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Discussion in 'Personal' started by yapyap, Apr 20, 2011.
Wow! Where did THAT come from?
Fine - I stand corrected. It is actually perfectly okay to marry someone who knows so little about you that they have never heard your oft-repeated description of the perfect ring, and who thinks popping into town and just picking something up is as much thought as a proposal needs for a romantic girl. It's perfectly reasonable to marry a man who promises to plan a day out and then doesn't and who fetés his efforts at breakfast in bed (this being two slices of toast and a mug of tea) as a great deed. It is perfectly reasonable to marry a man who wishes to go and sit on a subs bench for two hours (after spending communal petrol money travelling quite some distance there and back) instead of being with you when it is your birthday and he has proposed.This is all perfect given that she's known him all of two months. Silly, silly me. #I just rather thought that marriage was to be entered into thoughtfully, or if you can't manage that, at least in a whirlwind of romance and joy!
Like I say, I'm psychic, dz.
Mystic manny also senses that you may spill spaghetti sauce on your shirt sometime in the next fortnight.
They sound like the perfect candidates for Don't Tell the Bride...
(crappy tv show, for those who don't know..)
It is NOT crappy! I love Don't tell the bride.
Don't get so worked up about it all yap. It is her decision, not yours. Just because you wouldn't be happy with him going to play football doesn't mean that she isn't.
I am a bit strange about things like this.
We went out together and bought the ring My husband told me at the time, that there was no real budget just to pick what I wanted. I could have spent a fortune, but I chose a reasonably priced ring, not because of the price, but because it was the one I liked.
However had he chosen to surprise me with a ring, I would have expected him to put some thought into it, and pick something which he would know I would like.
Tbh, I would prefer not to have a ring than have a ring I did not like and have to look at it everyday and think how little thought went into it.
As I said however, I am a bit strange about these things and attach a lot of significance to gifts, but not necessarily from a materialistic point of view.
I don't particularly actually Doom, I do disapprove of the life-partner decision after two months though. And he isn't without baggage. I just think that ultimately, this wasn't the proposal for her, or even close, and it might be wise to get to know someone well enough to know things like that before you do it. I wouldn't say it if marriage was a secondary thing in her life, but wife and mother is her career goal, it is much discussed! So either, they haven't got round to it, in which case !!!!, or he isn't listenening, or he is disregarding her thoughts/feelings, none of which are good!
It is interesting that you cannot separate these things out
But all of them depend entirely on your sister's view of them
Ring = would not bother me
Promise broken = would bother me
Basic breakfast in bed = would love him
Football = why not if it is a regular thing for him = would not bother me at all
Engaged after 2 months = not my style
All of them = your sister will have her own views
You chose the ring as the primary example and it smacked of snobbishness rather than anything else
Crappy in an, um, good way...
He might not have heard - Mrs Zebra's choiuce of ring did not crop up much during our courtship
None of which has the least thing to do with the ring (the ostensible subject of this thread) and none of which you introduced into this petulant little post.
Why not just admit that it is your sister's paramour that you have issues with, not his choice of ring?
RE : Footie, she's not actually, but she wouldn't say as much.
Ultimately I know it is her choice, I just get sad when I watch her walking into brick walls with wide open eyes.
I am not materialistic, but I do value myself in relation to a man enough to expect a real effort when he wants to make his love for me clear (last year I gleefully accepted five second hand books priced at a pound each and a bar of galaxy from my **** poor husband - he knows what my favourite past time is, and each and every book was a perfect choice). I give the same back. Maybe I'm wrong, but I really think that is what marriage is about.
Ah, but you see Doomzebra, the ring is symbollic!
And I think what I really have the problem with is the idea that you would accept a marriage proposal from someone who simply doesn't know you that well.
There is no need to separate things resource finder, that is the man as a package. And while I love a bit of toast and a cuppa in bed, I really don't think it should be the culmination of a weeks worth of being promised breakfast in bed!
Aw yap, I'm sorry you're so worried about your sister. I can understand that you view the ring as a symptom of a wider problem rather than just dismissing it because it's not very pricey and not very pretty (IMO). The rational "you're both grown ups so leave her be and keep your nose out" approach is probably right, but I don't think you're the only one out there to find it hard to switch off your emotions when it comes to a loved one.
Mr Pan proposed to me after a couple of months and he couldn't afford any sort of ring but things are fine here. Conversely I know people who've been together for a decade, had the proposal, ring and wedding of their dreams and split after a short period. While you have your reasons for being concerned, it doesn't follow that doom is inevitable. I really hope all this works out and you don't end up collecting the shards of your sister's heart and trying to fix it again.
Firstly - thank you Bauble for reminding me that Midsomer Murder's is on tonight!! Secondly, each to their own and I don't know enough about yapyap's sister to comment on her circumstances. BUT, and maybe I am shallow, I would be HIGHLY offended if my boyfriend proposed and produced a £40 cubic zirconia ring! Maybe when I was a teenager I would have been thrilled but now I'm in my thirties, with a decent wage of my own, I can't imagine being with someone who was not prepared to splash out on something as special as an engagement ring! And if £40 to them was splashing out then he is DEFINITELY the wrong guy for me!! Hence the reason the ex Mr Plum IS now the ex as no doubt that's what I would have ended up with, if the thought of getting engaged ever crossed his mind!! Haha!!
Different strokes for different folks
The OP is clearly on your side of this divide but not everyone is
Only the OP knows her sister ... I think that she is more worried that her sister is of the view that this is not good enough but is scared to say so for fear of losing him ... that her sister is actually hiding her feelings and this will out later
If that is the actual worry then I think the OP has every right to be concerned
I didn't have an engagement ring and didn't even think tbh. I think, though, that if my (now) husband had chosen a ring for me I'd have treasured it regardless of cost/style or anything else. This is because I know he'd find it really difficult to know what to get and the symbolism (if that really does exist in a ring) would have been so much greater.
As it happens he ended up giving me, via his mum, his grandmother's engagement ring. It's a lovely ring but a) too big and b) too expensive for daily wear. Can't have it resized because it's got names and a date inside so it just sits in the safe all alone. What the point in that!
At it's most basic, an engagement ring is only a bit of metal and a bit of carbon isn't it? Doesn't make a relationship work whether it's worth £40 or £4,000,000.
For heaven's sakes - what an awful post I just did!!
Erm,insert "I didn't think to want one..."
Perhaps the thoughtlessness and tightarsedness of the Ex Mr Plum has left me somewhat embittered to this engagement lark! Probably by the time someone DOES ever ask me to marry them I'll be happy with a twist of aluminium foil!! LOL xxx
I'm sorry you're so worried about your sister yap
I'll admit, in the past I was very much a believer in 'Wrong ring, wrong guy' - but I'm older and wiser now and it might be the perfect ring and STILL the wrong guy.
It sounds very much like you're sister is a bit....flighty, and that's the main reason why you're worried. You're concerned that she adopts the persona of whatever man shows her affection (Anybody remember the 'favourite eggs' bit in The Runaway Bride?)
I think that's what you're worried about the most - but the ring is a symbol of your worries.
Holy ****! And I'm an English teacher!