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Would you be offended?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Guest, Feb 28, 2016.

  1. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Hi, just wanted some objective opinions on this.

    Earlier, my little girl, who is nearly eight was not listening and I got cross and raised my voice. She threw herself down to her knees in a typical strop when I said that she wasn't having any TV today and started crying. My partner came running up the stairs and asked me if I had 'slapped' her. I have never, ever raised a finger to my daughter and I never would. He says he heard me shouting, a bang and her crying.

    I am really hurt and offended that he would think that and tried telling him this and asked him how he would feel if the situation was the other way round. He says, he wasn't accusing but was just 'looking out for' her. He is refusing to apologise and I am both bewildered and hurt. Would you be offended? Am I blowing this out of proportion?

    Alena
     
  2. Flere-Imsaho

    Flere-Imsaho Star commenter

    Yes, I think I would be offended but I also think what he heard must have sounded like you had hit her and that it would have been quite shocking and that he also is feeling a bit bewildered.

    I would leave it for just now. No point talking when feelings are high.
     
  3. Guest

    Guest Guest

    This happened this morning and I have just asked him if he feels he should apologise and he has said, the comments above and gone to bed. I am furious and really hurt. He has once before accused me of pushing her down the stairs when she fell down 3 stairs and I happened to be behind her. He obviously has some issues and doesn't trust me, which is what is probably what feels hurtful. I don't think I could ever have jumped to the conclusion that he had hit her if I had heard the same. Thank you.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 28, 2016
  4. Dunteachin

    Dunteachin Star commenter

    In a quiet moment, you could calmly ask him why he thought you might have hurt your daughter. Is there something in the way you react that might make him think that? Did something happen to him as a child that makes him very protective of your daughter? You said you were 'furious' - does he think you have anger management issues and that's why he needs to 'look out for her'?
    I don't know, but it's something you need to clear the air about.
     
  5. cuteinpuce

    cuteinpuce Star commenter

    No. His concern is for your daughter.

    What you're doing is making the issue about your partner. In fact, the issue is about your behaviour towards your daughter.
     
  6. xena-warrior

    xena-warrior Star commenter

    Is she his daughter?
     
  7. xena-warrior

    xena-warrior Star commenter

    Have you given him any reason to think you might hit her? (I should point out that I slapped my kids for defiance and don’t have the modern attitude to physical discipline, sorry violent child abuse)

    Do you lose your temper with him, for example, or slam things on the counter- that sort of thing? Otherwise I think it sounds like a very peculiar over-reaction on his part, and I would indeed be offended.

    Did you not talk this through after the stair incident? I would be horrified to think anyone could even imagine I’d shove my kids down the stairs. What was his reason for thinking that then?

    Could this possibly be some kind of controlling tactic?
     
  8. TEA2111

    TEA2111 Established commenter

    My children were brought up with a spanking when we felt it necessary. I know that it is not 'fashionable' today, but we have no regrets, and in fact my sons have thanked me for the way they were brought up. That aside, I would be offended and angry since it is obvious that you are both in agreement on how to discipline your daughter, and therefore he should not have jumped to conclusions so readily. I doubt the problem is your behaviour towards your daughter, but something else (his insecurity, or like xena-warrior says "controlling tactic", or......??) It is a difficult one to know exactly the 'right' thing to do. I would suggest to try to remember to not say anything that would make him feel judged and causing him to go on the defensive., but to express your feelings of disappointment that he would doubt you. Good luck. Relationships are always complex 'cause people are complex.
     
  9. Alf58

    Alf58 Established commenter

    Do you really want to be in a relationship where your partner has such a distrustful attitude?
     
  10. dumpty

    dumpty Star commenter

    I don't think I would be offended as I know I could never hit a child so would either laugh it off or just say 'no, of course not'.

    You do admit to raising your voice - we do not know what that means, but your partner does. He experienced it and reacted how he did out of concern for the daughter.

    I see nothing to be offended about.
     
  11. FrankWolley

    FrankWolley Star commenter

    Re: OP -

    I think you need to seek help for your partner/your relationship. If you are telling us the truth (sorry, but that point has to be made) then he clearly has significant issues, and one day you may find yourself with trouble from the police/social services because of something he says you have done - and, be certain, your daughter will soon pick up on his attitude to her and you, and she will play the two of you off against each other.
     
  12. lindenlea

    lindenlea Star commenter

    I was a smacking mum - not proud, it's just the way it was in "the old days". If this is one problem among several others you might need help here - counselling, that sort of thing. if it's been this one issue of not trusting you to treat your daughter appropriately, assure him that you don't believe in smacking and never would do that, if that is true. Don't make the conversation about you and him, as someone else said, make the conversation about how you both treat the child when she behaves badly, The issue of trust is there of course but you've got to be able to have a conversation not just a slanging match.
     
    grumpydogwoman likes this.
  13. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    "She was being an absolute pain about the TV and had a tantrum. I think I handled it OK. Do you think that, after your reaction, she might increasingly start to play one off against the other? Please trust me to do no more than shout. Please let's have another chat about behaviour."

    However:

    1 TV upstairs? In the bedroom? Her room? That's a no from me.
    2 Temper tantrums at 8?

    NB I don't advocate smacking. I don't advocate shouting although I did both those things all those years ago.
     
    InkyP and lindenlea like this.
  14. coffeekid

    coffeekid Star commenter

    To answer your question, I'd be really taken aback and shocked if my husband asked me if I'd hit my daughter - never hit her in her life. As for pushing downstairs... eh, what??

    That's MY relationship though. Was this out of the ordinary for you/him? Has your daughter been more 'difficult' than usual, lately? Maybe he's projecting his own feelings, ie. maybe he's been sorely tempted to give her a smack lately himself.
    Dunno. If it's come from nowhere, I'd try to have a talk about it. Calmly. Like @grumpydogwoman suggested. Good luck!
     
  15. coffeekid

    coffeekid Star commenter

    Don't think there was any need for that, grumpy. The woman's looking for a bit of advice, not a superfluous telling off.
     
  16. poltergeist

    poltergeist New commenter

    I would be shocked, but not offended. I'd be concerned that he might worry about my treatment of my daughter (who is also 8, and 'Temper tantrums at 8?' - absobloodylutely!); I would want to talk to him about it and find out whether he felt my reactions to the children were disproportionate or that I was at times out of control when angry. And I would want to reflect on the incidents myself, taking his perspective into account. I wouldn't expect him to apologise for expressing a concern.

    I don't mean to sound critical - I am in no position to be, no parent is perfect, certainly not me! - and I recognise that you know you would never hurt your children. But he clearly doesn't have total confidence in this and I think as a parenting team that's something you need to explore, so that you can present a united front in future. It's probably quite a difficult conversation to have, and would need you both to approach it openly and at a time when you're both able to be calm about what happened - so not immediately after the incident.
     
    Flere-Imsaho and coffeekid like this.
  17. Guest

    Guest Guest

    I'm not a smacking mum and I have never hit my daughter. I've never even come close. She was being a pickle about tidying up her room, so I told her she wasn't having any TV that day (not in her room). I rarely even raise my voice but on this occasion I did. I'm cross at how he jumped to conclusions and I am cross that he doesn't trust me. I would understand him jumping to that conclusion if this was a babysitter we had not used before or someone he didn't trust but it was me and I am not angry usually and have never given him any reason that I can think of to believe I would do this. I'm really hurt that this is the conclusion he jumped to. To be honest I am done with him. I can't stay with someone who thinks that way of me. Thanks everyone.
     

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