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Worse week ever!!

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by Tattyted, May 29, 2012.

  1. Hi
    This is a very diffcult post for me to write and I really would appreciate some words of encouragement and support from you all.
    I have just found out that my husband that I have been with for 17yrs is a transvestite and has been on and off since puberty. I knew he was 'quirky' and liked tights and short skirts but I sincerely thought it was a 'fetish' for legs,,, i was sorely mistaken.
    I found out completely by accident when I saw some pictures of him on his new laptop. I aksed him and he panicked completely. Then events unfolded and I became very suspicuiois so I checked his email and he had booked a hotel for the weekend in London...I confronted him, thinking it was an affair (previously I had found womens kickers that werent mine after being on a course in sheffield). Only to find no, he had planned a girly shopping expereince. As you can imagine lots of questions were in my head and a hell of a lot of hurt and uncertainity. He said it was something he needed to do and explore to see if it was something he wanted to do more often!!
    After two or three days I calmed down and moved on, but then he recieved a text from a TV and I read it... he was meeting up with 'her' over the weekend and were going clubbing and out for lunch etc... again he tried to bluff his way out of this and lie even more....I feel my whole world has collapsed around me. I contacted his friend only to find out that he/she is a lovely person and has been a 'friend' for a number of years... everytime my husband went away he was exploring his femine side, hes lied to me and his family for the past 4yrs!!
    Ithen find out he is on a social network site and has been posting for some time... reading about lunch dates, clubbing and shopping is bliking hard to do, there are even pictures of him (he does look convincing). I just dont know what the future holds...
    To add to all this deceit and lies I am recovering from a hysterectomy and he went away 2 wks after my surgery! I was meant to go back to work last week but my gp saw me and said she thinks I am grieving after my op (Im 36yrs). Everyone thinks my emotional mess is due to my op... when I want to say no its not its my TV husband.
    I cant help but feel I am a complete mug but I love him so much, gp sending me for counselling and school referring me to occupational health... Im worried this is all going to come out and both our lives will be destroyed.
    I want to move on but I hjonestly dont know how.
    xx
    sorry for the long rant x[​IMG]
     
  2. Hi
    This is a very diffcult post for me to write and I really would appreciate some words of encouragement and support from you all.
    I have just found out that my husband that I have been with for 17yrs is a transvestite and has been on and off since puberty. I knew he was 'quirky' and liked tights and short skirts but I sincerely thought it was a 'fetish' for legs,,, i was sorely mistaken.
    I found out completely by accident when I saw some pictures of him on his new laptop. I aksed him and he panicked completely. Then events unfolded and I became very suspicuiois so I checked his email and he had booked a hotel for the weekend in London...I confronted him, thinking it was an affair (previously I had found womens kickers that werent mine after being on a course in sheffield). Only to find no, he had planned a girly shopping expereince. As you can imagine lots of questions were in my head and a hell of a lot of hurt and uncertainity. He said it was something he needed to do and explore to see if it was something he wanted to do more often!!
    After two or three days I calmed down and moved on, but then he recieved a text from a TV and I read it... he was meeting up with 'her' over the weekend and were going clubbing and out for lunch etc... again he tried to bluff his way out of this and lie even more....I feel my whole world has collapsed around me. I contacted his friend only to find out that he/she is a lovely person and has been a 'friend' for a number of years... everytime my husband went away he was exploring his femine side, hes lied to me and his family for the past 4yrs!!
    Ithen find out he is on a social network site and has been posting for some time... reading about lunch dates, clubbing and shopping is bliking hard to do, there are even pictures of him (he does look convincing). I just dont know what the future holds...
    To add to all this deceit and lies I am recovering from a hysterectomy and he went away 2 wks after my surgery! I was meant to go back to work last week but my gp saw me and said she thinks I am grieving after my op (Im 36yrs). Everyone thinks my emotional mess is due to my op... when I want to say no its not its my TV husband.
    I cant help but feel I am a complete mug but I love him so much, gp sending me for counselling and school referring me to occupational health... Im worried this is all going to come out and both our lives will be destroyed.
    I want to move on but I hjonestly dont know how.
    xx
    sorry for the long rant x[​IMG]
     
  3. slingshotsally

    slingshotsally Star commenter

    Hi Tattyted,
    I am extremely sorry to hear that you are suffering so much emotional turmoil whilst recovering from a hysterectomy.
    My only advice for you would be to as for counselling and go to relate as a couple as I feel that you need professional help in these matters. Although I am sure there could be many other TESers who may have experience of either hysterectomies or husband's who are TV's, I fear that few would have a convergence of these situations at the same time.
    With all kindness, it is the illusion that has been shattered, but your world is still the same. Lies are hideous, but your husband has been hiding something he knew would upset you.
    I understand this compeletely- could it be that your husband loves you too?
    Is it your husband or the Transvestitism or the lying which has messed you up?
    In my experience it is keeping the secrets and lying to hide secrets that makes it worse. I finally told my siblings and parents a few secrets that I kept hidden for 20yrs- the keeping of them was making me ill. They didn't like what they heard and there was a huge family rift- they have not spoken to me for sometime. But now I can live a life which is true to myself.
    What do you actually want from your husband?
    Again I am very sorry that you are suffering such anguish- Please go to counselling and see Relate with your husband.
    BPG
     
  4. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    There was another poster on here a while ago whose husband was a transvestite. I wish I could remember her name so that you could confer with her. Grayson Perry's wife doesn't seem to mind him dressing up in girls' clothes and he isn't at all convincing and looks completely daft.
     
  5. Just read this and can not offer advice but send hugs- you need them
     
  6. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    It's not that uncommon - some men do feel the need to express their feminine side and in this world, it is very very hard for men to do that. I don't think anyone understands really why it happens but your husband is still your husband and I hope he still loves you. There are plenty of women whose husbands go to clubs or safe places to express themselves, then return to their wives. It is an outlet for them. It sounds like it's been going on for a long time so I should imagine he's pleased it's out but worried as well.
    There are organisations like the Beaumont society who can provide support. It must be a shock but families can work through it.

    Robyn
     
  7. andersoncouncil

    andersoncouncil New commenter

    I have never been in your position so I can only say how I think I would feel. It must be a lot to take in. On the negative side there is a whole aspect of your husband's life that has been hidden from you. On the positive side these meetings don't sound like there is any cheating going on and are not an affair, but are an opportunity to spend time with a like-minded friend, an activity most people wouldn't have any objection to if you look at like that. I think I would be most hurt about the secrecy, but I think I would be able to live with it. You must be feeling worn out from your operation and the stress of the situation, but I'm sure your husband is feeling pretty terrified right now. Good luck trying to work things through, only you can decide what is right for you.
     
  8. lindenlea

    lindenlea Star commenter

    I think we kid ourselves if we think sexuality is cut and dried. it's a complicated buisiness and many people, maybe the majority, have less than simple straightforward feelings. You need time to think about this - counselling would probably help to work it through. It's easy to understand why your husnbad hid this from you but now you have to think about it and decide how you move forward and he will need to acknowledge how he feels now that you know. It's very complicated but it's life. He certainly isn't dul!! But he isn't exactly who you thought he was, that's the hard bit.
    Get some professional help - I think you need and deserve it.
    Good luck!
     
  9. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    I've sent you a PM.
    [​IMG]
     
  10. There are organisations like the Beaumont society who can provide support. It must be a shock but families can work through it.[​IMG]
     

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