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Why am I so upset?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by myweedyallotment, Jul 19, 2012.

  1. myweedyallotment

    myweedyallotment New commenter

    Just split from OH - was thinking of it for some time but then found out he's being having an affair - relationship over - living seperately for a few weeks. Just dropped child off at OHs house for contact to find the woman he's being having an affair with sitting outside the house waiting for him. Obviously child and her are meeting tonight. I am devastated about this. I can't stop crying. Can't rationalise these feelings at all. Never seen her before and it turns out she's everything I am not. Slim, pretty, younger. I'm in bits.
     
  2. myweedyallotment

    myweedyallotment New commenter

    Just split from OH - was thinking of it for some time but then found out he's being having an affair - relationship over - living seperately for a few weeks. Just dropped child off at OHs house for contact to find the woman he's being having an affair with sitting outside the house waiting for him. Obviously child and her are meeting tonight. I am devastated about this. I can't stop crying. Can't rationalise these feelings at all. Never seen her before and it turns out she's everything I am not. Slim, pretty, younger. I'm in bits.
     
  3. And he'll soon find out that she's a diet bore, doesn't like to laugh for fear of wrinkles- and we ALL get old.

    I was dumped for slimmer, prettier, etc- she's now trapped in a verging-on-abusive relationship with my ex, who has only got worse, and cheats on her, whilst I'm free and loving it!
    It's fresh and raw. The fact that he'd introduce your child to her so soon and without consulting you serves only to illustrate how inconsiderate he is.
    Just think- WHY is she outside waiting? Doesn't seem brilliantly organised, does it?
    Consider this a lucky escape- but allow yourself time to be upset; it's only natural.
     
  4. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    Presumably you are upset because you have been treated badly, betrayed, and made to feel second class?
    I can't think of a single reason why that would cheer you up.


     
  5. myweedyallotment

    myweedyallotment New commenter

    Thanks for the reply
     
  6. I am sorry. It must have been a shock for you. That is partly why you are upset - the shock of the unexpected.
    The ending of a relationship, even if it is for the best, always involves some grief.
    Gather your friends round you.
    All the best.
    ........ dont worry about what she looks like........ looks mean nothing in real terms.
     
  7. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    Part of blokishness is answering the question. We can't really help it,
    sorry
     
  8. dozymare1957

    dozymare1957 Occasional commenter

    MWA, what a tough time you're having. After such a short time since your marriage was finally over you will naturally feel raw and vulnerable.
    You don't need to rationalise your feelings. Have a good cry, it does help. You are grieving for your marriage and you need time for this.
    She may be everything you aren't but you're everything she isn't. You didn't have an affair with a married man and she did. You aren't sitting outside anyone's house waiting for him to let you in - you have to chuckle about that [​IMG]
    If you ex is going to be with this woman (and it sounds like this won't last long to be honest) your child will meet her eventually. If he continues to have different women, your child is going to meet them all and will not have a very good opinion of his/her dad. Hard as it is, please try to be positive about dad. Don't let your feelings show. He is the dad after all and your little one loves him. If you let your child know how dad has hurt you, he/she will be torn between you. This will hurt your child and I know you don't want this to happen.
    ((((((((MWA))))))))
     
  9. myweedyallotment

    myweedyallotment New commenter

    lurk much - I was thanking the previous poster - happy to have your blokeish reply too.
     
  10. myweedyallotment

    myweedyallotment New commenter

    Thank you for all your replies.
     
  11. learningyoghurt

    learningyoghurt New commenter

    Aw, mwa, absolutely sickening situation :( I'm so sorry.
    My first response to this is that It Should Not Have Happened. You have to hold it together to look after your child, it's already a foul and awful situation and there is no reason why you should be bumping into this woman at all - inconsiderate of him/them to allow that to happen, especially so soon after everything.
    Morally, imo, you've a responsibility to a) let your child see their father b) facilitate their relationship and c) keep your emotions about your ex away from your child. And, quite frankly, that's entirely enough to be going on with for now. I fail to see how meeting/interacting/seeing the new woman comes into any of that and there's no way that you can forge any sort of positive relationship under the circumstances right now.
    If he wants to see his child, then he needs to organise a way to make that happen without making you feel worse about it. I find that it helps to be very clear about your responsibilities and boundaries in a situation like this, you've a clear responsibility to look after yourself emotionally and actually, so has he, in that you're the mother of his child.
    Fwiw - insofar as there's any point speculating and I know anything about anything (which I don't, first time on the boards for a long time) - I'd say that their chances aren't good. It doesn't sound like he's got oodles of respect for her (from the sounds of it he was quite happy to have her on the side and eat his cake until you found out - also, who makes someone sit outside?), also he's a cheating g!t. Slimness/prettiness/whateverness doesn't come into it, and anyway remember that your perception of yourself is going to be skewed towards the negative anyway right now.
    It does - and believe me, I know this - feel horrible knowing that your child is meeting the 'someone new'. The way that I dealt with it was to say "I trust him to see Son = it's his responsibility to deal with these things sensibly = if he doesn't, that's his lookout and I know that I've got the chutzpah to help Son process/deal with the fallout = no point ruminating on it". And then I go and do nice distracty things (or sleep) when I know that it's happening.
    Screed! Dunno if any of that helps, but (((hugs))) anyway. xx
     
  12. As always, Learningyoghurt hammers it on the head. MWA - that's sh*t and I hope you feel better today. LY - nice to see you and I hope you're doing fine. Also MWA - can you have a discussion with the Ex to lay some proper ground rules about this sort of thing? I'm not experienced in this stuff, but that might be a good starting point to avoid the kind of upset you just described.
     
  13. What a great name. Get onto that allottment and take it out on the weeds.Rip those weeds to pieces !
    Best advice is to catch up with friends or better still get over here and help me with my garden. The raspberries are rotting whilst I sit and write" to do" lists ("to do someone time in the future but probably not for a while" list).
    (((((((MWA)))))))
     
  14. aspensquiver

    aspensquiver Star commenter

    You are missing the point. (Or are you?)
    The OP was thinking about splitting up with her partner before she found out about his affair. In her place, you would expect not to feel much - but she does. That is why she is upset. It's about complex and unravelling emotions.
    But then you know that, don't you?
     
  15. aspensquiver

    aspensquiver Star commenter

    I must learn to read the thread before commenting x 100.
    [​IMG]
     
  16. bizent

    bizent Star commenter

    Why was she sat in car?
     
  17. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    My first husband is still with the woman he left me for - they've been together now for over 20 years, longer than we were together. It's not easy but it will, if you allow it to, get easier.
    I remember the absolute fury and devastation I felt when I found out that my ex had been playing "happy families" (as I perceived it) with my replacement and my son. I made a huge fuss about it.
    Once I got over the initial trauma (and it is very, very traumatic) I learned to put a brave face on it and was able to be civil to all concerned...I did my wailing in private and pretended to all and sundry that I was doing fine until that finally became the truth.
    Eventually I was able to cope and all these years later we are all friends (it did take a while). It was worth it - something like my son's wedding last year brought it home to me that the hard work, gritted teeth and feigned positivity was worth it as everyone was there and it was a happy day for us all.
    Be kind to yourself. These are things you cannot change...she may or may not be around for a while and torturing yourself by comparing yourself to her will only make you feel worse. Hopefully she will be kind to your child and that, in the long term, is the most important thing.





     
  18. I honestly believe that the response to this sort of betrayal is like grief. It is so unfair, and so painful that any rational response is difficult. I hope the OP has a good friend who will listen and be supportive. If this isn't possible, I suggest a visit to the GP: not for tablets or medical intervention, but because most surgeries have a counselor who can help with these feelings. Look after yourself, OP. This too will pass.
     
  19. myweedyallotment

    myweedyallotment New commenter

    Thank you for all your replies. I think it was such an unexpected thing. I wasn't expecting to see her - I recognised her from a photo. I certainly wasn't expecting her to be meeting my child - teenager- after such a short amount of time. It was a shock. My stomach is still churning at the thought of it.
    I have been seeing a counsellor for some time due to other issues but this will certainly fill up my next hour quite easily.
    I wasn't expecting such a gut wrenching reaction to this. Such a feeling of rejection and utter devastation when it was something that I had wanted anyway. The split - not the new woman. Even when we were struggling in our relationship I would never have had an affair. I spent till about 4 this morning sobbing into my pillow. Still very confused as to such an emotional reaction. I was utterly out of control. Now I am utterly exhausted - thank god its the holidays.
     
  20. myweedyallotment

    myweedyallotment New commenter

    She was sat in a car waiting for my OH to come home from work presumably. My child is a teenager - he has a key to the house - old enough to go on own.
     

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