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Whose retirement is it anyway?

Discussion in 'Retirement' started by ada_nuff, Nov 16, 2015.

  1. ada_nuff

    ada_nuff New commenter

    At 65, I'm retiring. Mr. N and I have achieved our dream of a small house by the sea, in the sun. My kids (not his), however, are not happy that we are not retiring in their town, so that they will have a babysitter on tap. I am full of guilt because one son and his wife are having a struggle with a large family and a large mortgage. I plan on flying to see them 3x a year (they live 800 km away), but this is apparently not enough. I am also moving away from my 92-year old mother in a rest home - we just can't afford to buy in that expensive area. It's very difficult trying to please everyone...but after teaching for 42 years and raising three children single-handedly, it seems reasonable to have some time and space of one's own ... doesn't it?
     
    Dragonlady30 and catmother like this.
  2. Yoda-

    Yoda- Lead commenter

    You both deserve your time in the sun by the sea.

    We have a retired neighbour that has her daughters young children every week day. She is on her own and in her seventies. You don't want to be the unpaid child care. A retired colleague moved to Devon and away from his children. One of his reasons was to avoid this scenario.

    They need to sort out their own self made issues. You are there to give moral support now. Visits either way to keep in touch and see their kids grow up is enough. You can't buy in the rest homes area. No doubt you will visit, phone or skype when you can. Perfectly reasonable.

    Do not feel guilty you have nothing to feel guilty about.

    Enjoy your retirement while you can.
     
    Dragonlady30 and katechb like this.
  3. Morninglover

    Morninglover Star commenter

    I don't have grandchildren (yet), but I can assure you the last thing I would do is offer myself up to be free childcare so my children can enjoy better holidays abroad, a new car etc. Rather point out to them the holidays they will enjoy when the grandchildren come to stay with you once or twice a year.

    NB I recently read the obituary of a former colleague, a year younger than me, who died this year - he retired only a few months ago due to ill health. He had no retirement. He was a much loved teacher and good colleague who deserved a long and happy retirement.

    Carpe Diem, OP....
     
  4. lindenlea

    lindenlea Star commenter

    All families are different. I love being close to my son and his family and they only rarely make use of our offers to babysit and child mind. But we did move here first and foremost because we thought it would be where we could have a good life for us. I was also very glad I moved close to my very old parents but again it was a benefit but not the main reason to move. So, your move indicates that you have different priorities and I don't judge you for that, and wish you a very happy retirement but I'm not at all surprised you're feeling guilty.
     
  5. Jolly_Roger1

    Jolly_Roger1 Star commenter

    I would echo what Folkfan said. I have known two ex-colleagues who died within a year of retirement and another who fell seriously. Take what you can, when you can because you never know when the Man with the Scythe will have representatives knocking on doors in your area.

    You have got to make a break at some point and retirement seems a natural time to do it. Don't entertain the thought that you might 'hang around a few more years, to help out your children' before going because once you start being unpaid childcare, it will be very difficult to stop.
     
  6. jacob

    jacob Lead commenter

    I have taken phased retirement and three day working so I can go to my mother's one day a week. She is 87 and has been in and out of hospital four times this year, and is fiercely independent in so much as she only wants me to help. She lives about 60 miles away, and it is very difficult, as I am now older than she was when she "retired". I feel I have been involved in helping her for at least 25 years and it is a drag when they don't get better. At the other end my grandson is 2 and a half and will probably start school Sept 2017, what then? My ex is useless(as in very unreliable with time so would be NFU for schooltimes) and still in full time work.
     
  7. Jolly_Roger1

    Jolly_Roger1 Star commenter

    @jacob: At the risk of sounding harsh, someone who needs so much help is only 'fiercely independent' in the sense that they are dictating from whom they get it. You are either able to live independently, or you aren't. My mother is 'fiercely independent' in the same way; she rejects offers of help from outside agencies (and feels proud of it) while she would have me run around after her like a blue-ar$ed fly. If you don't draw the line, you will spend increasing amounts of your retirement running yourself into the ground looking after your mother; especially at a 120 mile round trip each visit.
     
    rosievoice, katechb and AdmiralNelson like this.
  8. ScotSEN

    ScotSEN Senior commenter

    ada_nuff you certainly do deserve some time. Grab it with both hands and enjoy. Harsh though this might sound your children will just have to get on with it. Would it be possible for your mum to move nearer you?
     
  9. jacob

    jacob Lead commenter

    Granted, and understood, but there are reasons.
     
  10. Piranha

    Piranha Star commenter

    You have every right to move to where suits you, and I hope you enjoy your retirement. I wouldn't mind doing the same thing. However, remember what was said in this thread if you get to the point of wanting support from your children - you can't expect them to be visit often if you are a long way away. (Sorry if this sounds harsh - I am going through this with the in-laws at the moment.)
     
  11. ScotSEN

    ScotSEN Senior commenter

    Equally you could move to be near your children and then they have to move. Go where you feel happiest.
     
  12. Lindaminh

    Lindaminh New commenter

    I agree with Scotsen... Your children may move in the future so you may as well choose for yourself. My cousin has two children but both have emigrated, one to Australia and one to Japan . Your mum is perhaps more of a problem but if she is happy and secure in her rest home then she will be settled. One never knows what lies ahead. My father put many of his plans on hold thinking he would do things after my grandmother had passed but then he died prematurely. best wishes with your plans for a happy future by the sea.
     
  13. ada_nuff

    ada_nuff New commenter

    Thank you SO much for your wise replies. In the looong time since my original post, we've retired, moved house to our little cottage by the sea, and spent a quiet Christmas in the sun, barefoot, wearing shorts and tee-shirts. No regrets. Carpe diem.
     
  14. Piranha

    Piranha Star commenter

    Great. Long may it continue!
     
  15. Lindaminh

    Lindaminh New commenter

    Enjoy...sounds wonderful
     
  16. ada_nuff

    ada_nuff New commenter

  17. heldon

    heldon Occasional commenter

    Have you moved to northland , nz?
     
  18. ada_nuff

    ada_nuff New commenter

    Sure have, holds!
     
  19. heldon

    heldon Occasional commenter

    Beautiful country, we have thought about it but the frozen state pension is a pain. How does access to healthcare work?
     
  20. ada_nuff

    ada_nuff New commenter

    You need to marry a Kiwi, holds! Or -become a resident and your UK pension is transferred to the NZ Govt - you then get the NZ Super (currently around $580 a week for a couple). Bring your TP and you're laughing, with the current conversion rate. Healthcare - as a resident, you are entitled to access the state system, which is not entirely free, but pretty good on the whole. My Mancunian husband thinks he's died and gone to heaven each night, looking at the brilliant night sky with more stars than you ever thought possible, and breathing the pure, clean air of the Pacific.
     
    FrankWolley and ScotSEN like this.

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