1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.
  2. Hi Guest, welcome to the TES Community!

    Connect with like-minded professionals and have your say on the issues that matter to you.

    Don't forget to look at the how to guide.

    Dismiss Notice

Who to talk to if you're not the ill person?

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by all_heart, Apr 18, 2012.

  1. all_heart

    all_heart New commenter

    Hope the subject makes sense. A family member I'm very close to has been diagnosed with depression and is on the (2 month) waiting list to see a counsiller. He talks to my Mum alot which helps him but she obviously has lots of worries (he's talking about what has he got to live for and can't get out of bed to go to work. Is going through a very traumatic time at the moment which I can't see and ending to this trauma therefore can't see and ending to the depression. My Mum passes all her worries and concerns onto me which is lovely for her she has me but now I'm left with concerns for him, worries about seeing my Mum so sad and I'm left upset after every conversation (but not to their faces) and worry about this every night about whats going to happens and if there's no ending how can this end? My OH for some reason doesn't take this as seriously as me so doesn't really understand why I'm upset, or he'll give me a cuddle but the next day wonder why it's still getting to me (why has a cuddle not solved it? he wonders) I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in the same situation, there is lots of help for people who are depressed but as happy as I am to be there for them and want them to share with me, where can I express my concerns without airing my families dirty laundry too.

    By the way, those of you reading this who are are suffering form depression, please still talk to who every you talk to, I just feel I'm the person at the end of the chain and maybe feel over loaded as got 7 month baby too.
     
  2. all_heart

    all_heart New commenter

    Hope the subject makes sense. A family member I'm very close to has been diagnosed with depression and is on the (2 month) waiting list to see a counsiller. He talks to my Mum alot which helps him but she obviously has lots of worries (he's talking about what has he got to live for and can't get out of bed to go to work. Is going through a very traumatic time at the moment which I can't see and ending to this trauma therefore can't see and ending to the depression. My Mum passes all her worries and concerns onto me which is lovely for her she has me but now I'm left with concerns for him, worries about seeing my Mum so sad and I'm left upset after every conversation (but not to their faces) and worry about this every night about whats going to happens and if there's no ending how can this end? My OH for some reason doesn't take this as seriously as me so doesn't really understand why I'm upset, or he'll give me a cuddle but the next day wonder why it's still getting to me (why has a cuddle not solved it? he wonders) I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in the same situation, there is lots of help for people who are depressed but as happy as I am to be there for them and want them to share with me, where can I express my concerns without airing my families dirty laundry too.

    By the way, those of you reading this who are are suffering form depression, please still talk to who every you talk to, I just feel I'm the person at the end of the chain and maybe feel over loaded as got 7 month baby too.
     
  3. jonowen

    jonowen Occasional commenter

    Dear All Heart
    I think I understand your worry for your depressed friend, it's only natural to feel as you do when you really care. Can this person go to see a doctor or if he can't get out of his bed, can the doctor visit him instead? Your OH is maybe worried about you - the Mummy to your lovely new baby - and is a bit resentful of his mother-in-law stressing you out - I think you should have an honest talk; put yourself in his shoes - how would YOU feel if he was very stressed about a family member who he felt he was unable to help in any way? Can you have an honest talk with your Mum too?
    Congratualtions on your new baby! That's wonderful news but are you getting enough sleep? New Mums need TLC as well - hope you are feeling better about your situation and I've been of some help.
    Joni xx
     
  4. NellyFUF

    NellyFUF Lead commenter

    If you can get yourself some counselling do so.
    Listening is very hard work, it leaves you tired - but it is also a great honour so give yourself the credit for that. In turn you need to talk. Husband's do not understand sometimes and friends, doctor's and other professionals do.
    Having an ill relative is a major cause of stress.
     
  5. jonowen

    jonowen Occasional commenter

    How are you today All Heart?
     
  6. Hi All heart,
    I have depression and am struggling at the moment, lots of the symptoms you describe I can completely relate to.
    I live with my Mum and the best thing she does when I'm in 'The Pit', as it were, is she talks about anything but how I am feeling. She doesn't ask questions or make a fuss. What I need from the people who love me is to almost ignore me, talk about the TV last night or what you might have for tea. I can't make decisions when I'm depressed so she doesn't expect me to.
    I can highly recommend you and your OH read 'I had a Black Dog' to get an insight into the world of someone who has depression, I would also suggest you give it to your loved one who is struggling with the illness, it has helped me. You should also read 'Living with a Black Dog' about caring for someone who you love who has depression and the signs they might show. There's also lots of information online, have a look at this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=426RPll-9qI it's ruby wax explaining what it's like to live with depression.
    Also, I know it's really hard but do try not to worry. Depression is not a fatal illness, I'm not dying when I'm ill, I'm just not myself. In that respect, there is no reason to worry. I would also suggest your loved on goes to the doctor again.
    I think the best thing you can do in the short term is learn about depression, find out as much as you can about it from books, NHS online and Mind have a lot of information here: http://www.mind.org.uk/blog/4767_its_time_to_talk_its_time_to_change so you have the knowledge (in theroy at least) to help to know what to do.
    I hope that helps in some way.
     
  7. Red wine fan

    Red wine fan New commenter

    Dear all_heart

    5 years ago when we were on holiday in the USA, my husband was taken very seriously ill, was airlifted to a specialist hospital and spent 5 days on life support, a week in ICU and a further week on a ward. I had 2 primary age girls with me and our holiday was *interesting* to put it mildly. SLT in both the schools I worked were amazing. I was not back from the trip until a few days into September but they could not have been kinder and encouraged me to take as long as I needed. DH is now absolutely fine apart from a wapping scar all the way down from his chest to his pants!


    On my return, one Head asked to see me because she was concerned about how all this had affected me. I spent so long being brave for DH and the girls that I hadn't really dealt with my own demons. She offered me counselling through the LEA if I felt I wanted or needed it. I only had to drop her an email and she would sort it immediately. As it was, I was stroppy and tearful for a couple of weeks, but once DH went back to work, life returned to normal and I didn't feel I really needed it. My stress was obviously not school-related, but the school recognised that I was better able to do my job if I had the right support and made that available to me. Could yours do something similar perhaps? All the best anyway.
     
  8. all_heart

    all_heart New commenter

    Thank you all for your lovely and ever so helpful replies - I was a bit worried I might get some rude replies saying I'm being selfish.

    I had a little cry to OH this morning, he was lovely gave me a hug and cuddle but I know he'll forget and when I'm stroppy have to ask what the matter is! I haven't looked at it from his point of view I guess he's feeling similar to me being off loaded on with no one to pass his worries to. The man in question is seeing a doctor, I'm shocked at the waiting list for the counceller, all the doctor does is sign him off work so he's going to find it harder getting up to work. There is a very messy custody battle going on so my family are feeling the worries to that we might lose a grandchild/nephew and the man involved will lose his son. I'm not back at work yet, I start in a few weeks after maternity leave (it all happens at once doesn't it) and if I'm 'off' at school my head will put it down to coming back, she has NO sympathy.

    i will look at the books and websites and pass them on to my family too. My Dad doesn't understand he keeps saying if he can go tot he gym then he's fine why isn't he at work (he goes to the gym to help release frustrations and anger). My Dad's old school despression wasn't a word used when he grew up. I guess I'd have to book a private counceller, the doctor won't see me over this will she as I'm not depressed just incredibly overloaded, if I don't talk I could end up in a bad way. This is helping though, thank you, just writing it down and having kind replies. I can see why people write journals, it's quite therapeutic.
     
  9. NellyFUF

    NellyFUF Lead commenter

    If you talk to your GP he or she will refer to CBT which will help you to cope with the demands being put upon you. At the very least you can expect some info and maybe self help questionnaire to get you on the way.
     
  10. all_heart

    all_heart New commenter

    It's no better. It breaks my heart to see people I love in so much pain. My mum is looking 10 years older and so sad in the eyes. There is one person causing all this pain and it's tearing my family apart and a poor child is so unsettles due to all this. I want to help them so much but there is nothing we can do. His councilling appointment still hasn't come through but I don't thinki it'll help anymore, he fine until she says or does something horrible and we know at one click of her fingers she can legally make everything worse we're all on edge waiting. She can't stand us being happy so makes our lives difficult and we can't stop it. I want to talk to her shout at her let her know what she's done but it'll make things worse. I feel so helpless right now.
     
  11. ROSIEGIRL

    ROSIEGIRL Senior commenter

    Could you talk to your Health Visitor? Their role is to offer you support and your health (physical and emotional) is crucial to your baby. Just a thought.
    And I know a bit about caring for someone with mental health problems - it's draining and exhausting. Sending you a big hug.
     
  12. Does anyone know of a dedicated site for people who live with people who live with depression? I'm in this situation too - my man is a lifelong sufferer, and one of my stepdaughters has suffered in the past. I've just Googled 'depression carers website' but not really found anything suitable.
    Most of the time we're fine, but there have been times when I've really struggled to cope with him, and it's really tested our marriage.
    Seriously, if there was a website dedicated to friends/family of depression sufferers, I would use it (I don't see myself as a 'carer' - he's in a well-paid and responsible job, I'm his wife, not his nurse.)
    Maybe we should set one up?
     

Share This Page