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Where is he?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Fierygirl, Dec 17, 2010.

  1. Fierygirl

    Fierygirl New commenter

    Hi everyone,

    I'm not usually one to post on here about problems but this one has got me stumped and I'd be interested in what people think...

    I've been seeing a chap since August - we're not kids, I;m 37 and he's 34. All seemed to be going well until around two weeks ago when he stopped making quite as much contact. He was renting a room in the same city as me but has a house near Manchester.

    Anyway, after being a bit quiet for a while, he called me last weekend and said he was in Manchester as his job here had finished. He said that we would still see each other and wanted to come down this week to stay with me - all good. He was to arrive on Monday.

    On Monday evening he called and said he was still in Manchester but would come on Wednesday. Wednesday arrived and no message until he texted in the evening and said he'd been trying to call but couldn't get through. Other people had called me without problems so I thought something might be wrong with his phone. He then called and seemed to think that it was all 'really bad' and that he was sorry and would make it up to me. I then got some texts saying that he likes me a lot and would come over on Thursday - and he repeated this in the morning.
    I got home yesterday evening and ... nothing. No calls or texts. No response to any texts and when I called the phone rang then went to voicemail. At first I thought he was standing me up again but as today went on without any contact I got really worried.
    This evening I got a text from his number saying it was his friend and that he'd left his phone there when he left yesterday morning and that if I saw him could I tell him.
    The question is, if he's not there, and not here, where is he? I've tried his number in Manchester and it just rings. No further contact from the friend.
    Am very confused and worried. Can only think of the following:
    A) He's had an accident and is unable to give details to any emergency staff
    B) He's gone off to a third party and never intended to see me
    C)He never intended to see me, is with his friend and has sent the text so I'll stop calling

    Sorry for long post but am also trying to get it straight in my head. Any thoughts?
  2. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Star commenter

    Sorry: I think he's invented the friend and the lost phone and he's just found a creative way of dumping you without facing up to it.
  3. There has got to be something going on to keep him away like that. He could have put you off by saying he had ann appointment in the middle of the week he intended to come down another week, but things were a bit up in the air and would be in touch... Is there any other mutual friend you could ask? Write a letter to his home so that if something bad has happened someone might find it and get in touch with you or he might get in touch and properly break up with you. I would be worried, but I am a worrier! All the best.
  4. Oh dear, I thought I'd post as I've just posted a relationship stress too so I feel for you - it's horrible to have all kinds of thoughts whizzing through your mind.
    It doesn't sound good. The contact throughout the week has been odd and sporadic which sets little bells ringing - he seems to have been disappearing/reappearing which makes me think that something has been panicking him / happening to make him withdraw from you, change his mind, withdraw etc. What is his relationship history? Could someone have come back into his life or is he panicking about how fast things might be moving?
    I don't suppose for a minute he's had an accident as it's not a sudden lack of contact, it's been rippling away all week.
    Does he talk about your relationship? What are his thoughts about it? You can't contact him which is horrid as you just have to sit it out. He's being quite cowardly. I have come to the theory than men who are single in their 30s (speaking from experience) are single for a reason. Maybe we need to aim at the silver foxes?
  5. Fierygirl

    Fierygirl New commenter

    Yes, I had that feeling too. It's just that I hate to think he was the sort of coward who would rather I was worried about him that just tell me it was over. I mean, he's not 15 and I'm not the sort of person to make things difficult.

  6. Fierygirl

    Fierygirl New commenter

    Also, why bother saying he was coming in the first place? Seems a bit twisted to me.
  7. I think he said he was coming as it's the cowardly way of dealing with it. The fact that you're both grown ups is not relevant when it comes to matters of the heart - men (sorry but it IS true) are sometimes really poor at communicating.
  8. Fierygirl

    Fierygirl New commenter

    Hi Beestoni,

    I was reading your thread after I'd posted which is why there was some delay in replying to Coffekid. You have my sympathy - so sorry you're having a hard time.

    We don't have any mutual friends and I've been quite laid back about the relationship - just enjoying it when we see each other. He does have two children by two different women and seems to have issues with them - not a good sign, I thought.
    Hmm, silver foxes... unfortunately my previous boyfriend was quite a lot older than me and I found out he was seeing two other women at the same time so I'm not seeing the older man as much different!

    i think it must be me.
  9. Fierygirl

    Fierygirl New commenter

    Sorry, I meant I was replying to Ilovsooty. Didn't get much sleep last night so brain is even less effective than usual.

    Thanks also to you, sideshow, for your response.
  10. learningyoghurt

    learningyoghurt New commenter

    That is momentously depressing but I suspect true :(
    fierygirl - I don't know, I would also be panicking a lot and, if it is a manky coward's trick then he's the lowest of the low.
    I think that perhaps you need to put a time limit on your worrying - set a date and if you haven't heard from him by then, assume that he's either a gitface, married or dead.
    If he does get in touch then try not to melt at his feet (although I should point out that I probably would, am a hypocrite) and accept the state of affairs as being okay. It's not. You're worried and you have a right to be. Even if it's a genuine mistake then he's been quite rude and thoughtless in not making huge efforts to stop you from worrying.
  11. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    He is probably snowed into some pub high up on a moor near Manchester digging frantically but the drifts are mounting and the wind is blowing, cold, cold, the dark rushes in and he has to retreat to the log fire and sip his whisky, toes toasting as his boots steam but the lines are down, down, for days now and his battery has died, the same battery that has stood him in good stead as he rang you desperate to soothe your worried heart, or I reckon you have been pathetically dumped.

  12. It isn't my advice, it is what Denise Robertson would say on This Morning!
  13. There seems to be a theme developing on personal recently. Men who want out and who aren't man enough to say so.

    I hope it works itself out for you.
  14. and it's so horrible being the woman who is giving all the understanding and thought into their useless blimin' actions. I do think taking a 'lesbian pill' is an appealing option.
    I do think that this one is being rubbish about ending it. So rude, childish and cowardly. Two children by two different women isn't a great sign - but if he's a loving, present father and is respectful of their mothers then that aspect of this could be salvagable.
  15. It's over but he hasn't got the balls to say so. Much easier to keep making plans with you and constantly cancelling them/not showing up/disappearing so that you 'dump him' and think that it is your own decision.
  16. Fierygirl

    Fierygirl New commenter

    I thought that too - wouldn't be the first time that has happened.

    Anyway, it get's wierder - he's just called from Manchester and was talking to me as though nothing had happened. Obviously I asked where he had been and said how worried I'd been. He says he went for an interview for a new job and had lost his phone (have told him it's at friends) and then had to go back to Manchester. Said he didn;t think I cared enough to be worried about him (?????) /also said that if he was dumping me he would tell me.

    All seems a bit strange to me. He now says he's coming down tomorrow. He'll be lucky, heavy snow forecast for London all day tomorrow.

    Think I might give up and become a nun - do you have to be Catholic for that?

    Thank you so much to everyone who responded - I really appreciate it. Now I need to decide whether to tell him to stick it up his ****.
  17. Fierygirl

    Fierygirl New commenter

    Aaargh - a rogue apostrophe! I must be tired!
  18. Sounds like the behaviour of a player to me. Mess you around, then act as if nothing has happened and even try to make you feel as if it is all your fault.
  19. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Star commenter

    I wouldn't think it would take too long...
  20. Fierygirl

    Fierygirl New commenter

    Yes, I don't know why I'm confused really - not like I haven't met game players before!

    Think the **** option might be the best one.

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