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When will he propose!!!

Discussion in 'Personal' started by rainbowdrop86, Aug 9, 2011.

  1. rainbowdrop86

    rainbowdrop86 New commenter

    Ahhh im 25 and have been with my OH for 6 years. We live together and have a cat! Lol! He keeps going on about having kids, but i keep telling him that he's not getting kids until we're married!!! I thought at first he was putting it off whilst i was at uni but i finished over a year ago!! I know he wants kids, but i really dont want any until we're married. Ive made that very clear!! He keeps making little quips about marriage not being necessary, it wont make any difference etc etc Could this just be a cover up? We;re going away this week for 2 weeks, but i dont think he'd do it anytime obvious like that!!! I really want it to happen this year!!!
     
  2. rainbowdrop86

    rainbowdrop86 New commenter

    Ahhh im 25 and have been with my OH for 6 years. We live together and have a cat! Lol! He keeps going on about having kids, but i keep telling him that he's not getting kids until we're married!!! I thought at first he was putting it off whilst i was at uni but i finished over a year ago!! I know he wants kids, but i really dont want any until we're married. Ive made that very clear!! He keeps making little quips about marriage not being necessary, it wont make any difference etc etc Could this just be a cover up? We;re going away this week for 2 weeks, but i dont think he'd do it anytime obvious like that!!! I really want it to happen this year!!!
     
  3. Have you sat down and had a proper discussion about whether or not he actually wants to get married?
     
  4. I hate that "bargaining" approach to relationships.
     
  5. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    Well it's not is it? Marriage might be nice (icing on the cake or holy padlock, depending on your viewpoint) but it's not necessary to pro-creation and a happy family life.
     
  6. bnm

    bnm

    If he wants to marry you he'll ask you.
     
  7. doomzebra

    doomzebra Occasional commenter

    If you want to marry him, ask him
     
  8. marmot.morveux

    marmot.morveux New commenter

    Taking away the lovey doveyness out of the situation - marriage is a legally binding contract and offers valuable protection to both parties with shared goods. I imagine therefore, it would be sensible to marry, if you were planning to have kids.

    MM
     
  9. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    He doesn't think it necessary, she does. One of them will have to compromise on their stance. A long engagement perhaps?
     
  10. doomzebra

    doomzebra Occasional commenter

    No, one of them will have to completely abandon their stance - that is NOT a compromise, that is capitulation
     
  11. Agree. This would be more than just a 'compromise'. This is a scenario that has the potential to lead to resentment if not careful.
     
  12. It seems like rather a major fundamental thing to have such opposing views on.
    You have to talk about it. Marriage isn't necessary but if he knows it's what you want, he needs to explain why, knowing it, he still prefers not to; and he needs to know why you want it.
    And don't even think about rigging an "accident" to force his hand.
     
  13. fantastischfish

    fantastischfish Established commenter

    Have you actually had a discussion about where you both want your relationship to go and if you both want marriage?
    If he doesn't want to be married, is that a deal-breaker for you?
    It sounds a little bit more as though you like the idea of marriage more than you like the relationship.
     
  14. I have recently been having similar issues with my OH. It's not that I am desperate to get wed but I just wanted to know that some sort of stable future was in the offing. But for a long time we have ignored the situation which has lead to problems, indeed me nearly walking out last week... luckily we did manage to talk and sort out a couple of issues. We are still on shaky ground and I have said I don't want a proposal while we are still not 100% stable but I feel much better having talked about the situation.. especially now that I am not guessing whether he will or wont! I really sympathise with the OP but try not to get too wrapped up in waiting for a proposal there is more to life.
     
  15. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    A long engagement may buy time . . . . . . . for both to adapt to changing circumstance and feelings about marriage to change/mellow. I have known couples to stay engaged for much longer than many marriages last.
     
  16. I'm genuinely interested in why a man stays with a woman long-term if he isn't prepared to marry her. In case something better comes along? In case he gets stung for half a house and child support if he fails to maintain the grade? Because he doesn't love her but likes the fringe benefits of living together? Because he's afraid he might look old? What's going through their minds?
     
  17. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    Because she doesn't want to get married either?
     
  18. Would certainly be a factor!
     
  19. I agree! Try it, or are you too afraid that he might say 'No'?
     
  20. doomzebra

    doomzebra Occasional commenter

    Whether they abandon their stance through changing circumstances or through expediency, it is still a capitulation. I am not saying that such a change of stance is a good or bad thing but, with a fundamental difference on an either/or situation (you can't be partially married) then such a solution will not be a compromise.*




    *doomzebra's Aspie character can lead him to an excess of pedantry.
     

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