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When is the right time to have the 'relationship' conversation?!

Discussion in 'Personal' started by teacherfairy, Jan 8, 2012.

  1. I think there are different definitions of relationship here. I've never "dated" and so I'm not really sure how one moves from "dating" into something different.
     
  2. catmother

    catmother Star commenter

    I don't get that "dating" either. Is it a new thing that has come from America? They always go on about it in American movies and it looks as if one is allowed to "date" more than one person at the same time.
     
  3. marmot.morveux

    marmot.morveux New commenter

    ...I must confess, I don't understand the difference between 'dating' and being in a relationship either. Especially, as dating can quite often have similarities with being in a relationship. Personally, I think you need to keep your feelings secret for the moment..you can usually tell when it's right to say more. Men being men often end up like a bunny caught in the headlights. ....scaredycats.... :p
     
  4. Yeah, all the chat about being "exclusive" and such.
     
  5. bnm

    bnm

    I'm so glad I never did the dating thing. I got to know him. I liked him. We got married. Living happily ever after.
    I do remember we had one date. He was late and I was on my way home when I saw him and decided to give him a chance. I think he asked me to marry him about that time.
     
  6. harsh-but-fair

    harsh-but-fair Star commenter

    [​IMG]
    txt me if u luv me bb
     
  7. 74p at WH Smith.
     
  8. learningyoghurt

    learningyoghurt New commenter

    I agree with this. Regrettably it no longer goes without saying (if it ever did) that if someone is sleeping with you then they aren't sleeping with other people as well. Also regrettably, there are plenty of people that see nothing wrong with killing time with you and reaping the benefits of knowing you without being emotionally committed or intending to contribute anything to the situation whatsoever.
    Personally (and I'm speaking from the OnceBittenTwiceShyAndBitter end of the spectrum here) there is absolutely no way in hell that I would sleep with anyone and take the risk, however slight, of disease, accidental pregnancy, oxytocin overdose or a long drawn-out heartbreak without establishing that we were on the same page and that they had my best interests at heart.
    I might need a conversation to find out, I might not, but if they intentionally left me feeling unsure in any way then I'd be off.
    Life's too nasty brutish and short to invite further calumny, imo.

    (OP - I'm not referring directly to your situation here - I don't know enough about it. This is just a General Dire Rant)

     
  9. Then ask him. None of its unreasonable and if he reacts as though it is then you're better off out of it. Yes, you open yourself up to a potential rejection but if he's seeing other people or thinks he can then is that not a rejection of sorts too?
     
  10. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    I don't half feel blessed by having had thirty years of certainty. Threads like this remind me of being a teenager again. Mind you, I could make life changing decisions without blinking back then. Now it takes me at least ten minutes to decide which pizza to get out of the chill cabinet.
    OP I reckon you should throw some questions into the pot.
    Good luck.
     
  11. Mrs_Frog

    Mrs_Frog New commenter

    When MrL and myself were heading towards the 'this is likely to be going somewhere road', it was actually him who brought it up. Out of the blue, and he did apologise for it, but his line was that he needed to know that he was not wasting his time. I'd had a few issues (sorted after talking to someone for an hour a week for more than a wee while) and he knew all about this, although never asked me what was spoken about at my 'rent a friend' meetings. The way in which he brought it up was after a pint or two in the beer garden, I asked him to stop taking the mick about something, because it actually hit a nerve with me, and then he asked. (No, we were not drunk)
    I am a lucky lady, and after a number of years trying the internet dating thing (really not the most successful plan) and then accepting that I was moving away from that area, went to the pub with a mate to watch the rugby, and there you have it!
    If you need answers, you need to ask questions. You must also be able to handle the answers, whether they are what you want or not. If they are what you want, great, if not, at least you know and time to move on.
    Good luck
    B x
     
  12. I've read through all this again and it strikes me that the question you want to ask isn't really about the longevity of the relationship and where it's going but simply, "Can I trust you?"
     
  13. I guess so...I often put my trust in people way too easily and get burnt! I started getting bored of the cycle and got to a place where I was extremely happy on my own! Then he came along...typical! So its taking a lot for me not to just run away which would be the easy option!
     
  14. This is what all my friends keep telling me too...and that men (especially as he's in his mid-20s) often panic when the word 'commitment' or 'relationship' is mentioned!!
     
  15. Hello! I know that this thread kind of disappeared into the realms of the internet, but after all of your kind words of advice I wanted to update you all on my situation!
    We eventually had the 'where are we going' conversation (turns out he brought it up, not me!) and it all started to come out and make sense. He told me that he likes me a lot but he didn't feel he could let himself get any closer to me because the chances are he's going to be moving away with work within the next couple of months, back to be nearer to his friends and family.
    We discussed whether it would work long distance between us but it's a 6 hour commute, and then his parents are another few hours from that so I can see why he wants to go. He'd be stupid not to take the promotion as it is an amazing opportunity for him and before we met it had always been his plan to move back there.
    So now I'm debating whether to enjoy spending as much time as I can with him before he leaves or just cut it off with him as seeing him will probably make it harder. Instead I am currently trying to distract myself as much as is humanly possible so I don't have to make that decision!
    Kind of sheds some light on everything though! Grrr, why are relationships never simple?!
     
  16. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    As harsh as this will sound, I would say cut your losses. He has openly said he doesn't see it going any where once he moves away. 6hrs is a long commute, which neither of you is likely to keep up if either of your hearts are not really in it at this point.
    If you spend as much time with him as you can before he leaves it will be very hard for you when he does leave. You are better off ending it now whilst things are still good between you and just have happy memories of it, rather than waiting until he leaves and possibly then feeling bad that he didn't stay etc.
     

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