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When do you start feeling normal after miscarriage?

Discussion in 'Pregnancy' started by nawoods, Jan 3, 2011.

  1. nawoods

    nawoods New commenter

    The title says it all. I miscarried early December with my first. Was signed off until christmas holidays started. Christmas helped as a distraction but now I feel awful again. Can't help thinking about how far along I would be now. Still cry at thought if it / sight of babies etc. Not even sure I can face going back to work yet which is what everyone expects me to do. Any advice would be great. Thanks.
  2. Oh nawoods, Was wondering when we'd see you again.
    A lot of us on here have been through this and of course all had slightly differnet experiences. it is very painful imagining what could have been. There is no definite timescale for when you will feel 'normal'. You may need to take time out. Don't apologise for this as you are grieving.
    When i miscarried it was August and went back 3 weeks later on first week of Sept as normal but really found it tough going. i found it helped me to be very open with people about why i was very low and tearful but i appreciate that many people prefer not to share this sensitive news.i found friends and colleagues were incredibly kind and thoughtful which was a huge support.
    I asked a sympathetic colleague the exact question you are asking and her answer was very honest but i have never forgotten it. She said the truth is you won't ever feel exactly as you did before because this experience changes and moves you, but you will reach a point where you don't feel sad all the time and can talk about it without breaking down. Even after that point things will upset you from time to time. it is normal to feel that way.
    Sorry for long post. Am still sad about my own miscarriage and tend to go on a bit. Thinking of you and your OH. hope he is able to talk about it too xxxxx
  3. I miscarried two and a half years ago and, due to relationship break down and moving on, I have not had a pregnancy since. I felt quite elated immediately after my miscarriage as I was so delighted that I could actually get pregnant and told myself it would only be a short time before I was again. Of course, it wasn't and as time went on the sadness is just lodged in me. I am not tearful all the time or anything and generally I think it's a good thing to have happened to me as it enables me to be more empathetic with people in similar situations (most women you speak to will say they've had at least one miscarriage). I find it hard when miscarriage is talked about on tele etc. (Upstairs Downstairs over Christmas was hard)
    For me it was important to be honest with people. I couldn't bear stupid comments like 'cheer up' 'are you ever going to have children?' So I tell people quite upfront 'I had a miscarriage' it soon shuts them up and makes me feel oddly better. I didn't have any time off work, I was back in straight away after the weekend it happened and I think that this was the right thing for me to do as it didn't give me any time to dwell. You might find you pick up quite quickly after going to work as your life will be moving on. If you are in the lucky position to be trying again you'll probably find you're pregnant again quite soon. You'll never forget the little life that you held for a short time but life does move on.
  4. Oh nawoods I also miscarried in July and as Ladymarm
    says there is no definate timescale. I had the
    summer holidays and only felt ready for work
    at the end of them. You must take as much time as you need.
    I found that I'd be ok for a few days and then
    would start crying (nothing needed to set me off)
    and I wouldn't be able to stop for ages. When I
    was younger I used to bottle things up and what
    helped me was allowing myself to cry and cry
    and feel sad when I did and not put on a front. Not sure
    how I would have coped at school. Ladymarm
    your friend is right I don't think you ever will get over
    it, it changes you. But you do cry less and have
    less bad days. I'm so sorry nawoods... This forum
    really helped me to get through it. Talking to
    others who have experienced the same. Please
    keep talking if you need to.
    Sending you love and hugs xxx
  5. tortuga

    tortuga New commenter

    So sorry to hear your awful news, I also miscarried in July 2010 and can sympathise with the way you are feeling. As others have said there is no time limit, but it is really important that you give yourself enough time to grieve. If you need more time off work take it, you have to look after yourself. Whatever you do, please do not go back to work before you are ready.
    I still think about the baby I lost every day and sometimes cry still, both my husband and I often talk about the baby and although time helps to deal with the loss (definitely doesn't heal) that tiny baby will never be forgotten. Do whatever you feel like doing. I found that writing poems or just writing about how I was feeling helped, my sister also lent me some miscarriage books, which were hard to read, but did help. You will find that lots of people will say, 'at least you know you can get pregnant,' which doesn't help when you feel so low. Also, the more people you tell, the more will tell you they have been through the same thing, listening to their stories helped me somehow. Everywhere you go, TV programmes and adverts seem to be saturated with babies, which doesn't help you.
    Have you thought about doing something to remember the baby by? We bought a special plant in a pot in the garden that has beautiful white bell flowers.
    Do not give up hope, you are in an awful place right now, but it will get easier although you'll never forget. There is light at the end of the tunnel for us as I am now 20 weeks pregnant, we weren't going to try again so soon, but didn't know how long it take to conceive and I have been petrified with this pregnancy, so there's lots of 'keeping fingers crossed' and 'touching wood'!
    The loss of our first baby still cuts like a knife and no child will ever replace the one we lost, but please just keep talking to people about how you are feeling. x
  6. I agree with ladmarms colleague - had a miscarriage 7 years ago
    'you won't ever feel exactly as you did before because this experience changes and moves you, but you will reach a point where you don't feel sad all the time and can talk about it without breaking down. Even after that point things will upset you from time to time. it is normal to feel that way.'
    I agree completely with this
    do whatever is best for you - I can't really say how long it will be before you feel better as everyone is different
    big hugs
  7. Dear nawoods,
    The lady in the picture (my mum) lost five babies. They were always part of her. But not in a painful way when time had allowed the aching gap to be filled. When we were losing her it seemed to comfort her that she was going to be with them.
    Do you have an inset day or are you straight into teaching? Could you 'try' going back? Could you talk to your line manager and make them aware that you may need to leave, that you may need a little more time?
    You need time to grieve, but grieving can't be done all at once. It's best to try and stay busy but to plan time out when you allow yourself to be 'not okay' and you plan to actively grieve for your child.
    Bucket loads of love to you nawoods and to all the others in the same position reading this thread.

  8. Paradoxicalgirly

    Paradoxicalgirly New commenter

    nawoods, I don't think I can add anything more useful than what other have said. There's no timescale for you to feel better, you'll get there in your own time. If you don't feel ready to work, then don't go back yet. After my first miscarriage, I had four weeks off and then had a phased return to work for another four weeks - and that was much too soon. With my next two, I had less time off (although physically these last two weren't as bad as the first, and I was emotionally better able to cope).
    Take care xxxx
  9. Nawoods,
    I really can't add anything either. Just wanted to send you my love as it is so, so tough. Don't feel bad about taking more time , they can cope. I had one mc in summer and with other 2 had 3 weeks ish off and a phased return with 3rd. School were brilliant.
    I never forget my babies but it does get less painful. They will however always be a part of me and who I am. xxx
  10. nawoods

    nawoods New commenter

    Thanks for all the replies and support. Have been to see my GP and they have signed me off for a week. Completely broke down in front of them so I guess they realised I wasn't ready to return to work. I do feel guilty about not going back at the beginning of a new term but I need to do what is right for me. I am hoping that this extra time will help me to come to terms with it a bit more.
  11. I can't really add anything to what others have said here. Someone told me that while you don't feel normal, you learn to live with what has happened and that becomes, in time, the new normal. You suddenly realise that you have made it to lunchtime without thinking about it and I now can go for weeks without it coming to mind. I'm glad to see that you have been to see your GP and have some extra time to begin to come to term with what has happened. I returned to work, after an August miscarriage, at the start of the Autumn term and with hindsight, this was too soon. Unfortunately, I had told people at 12 weeks before we finished for the Summer and had to go back not pregnant. Quite a few people at work told me that they had been through the same thing and in some ways that did help as I could see that they seem to have coped. It was a few years ago now and isn't ever really mentioned at home or in work - my husband refuses to discuss it. One thing that I do, that I have never really explained to anyone is sign cards etc with 3 xxx, one for each of my children (born after the loss) plus the one that I lost. It does help me in a strange way!
    Take Care xxx
  12. Hi nawoods, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. There are so many sad stories when you talk about miscarriage and other baby loss. I had surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy in November and was undoubtedly the most distressing thing I have ever had to deal with. I returned to work today and had been dreading it, absolutely terrified. I sobbed on the shoulder of every colleague this morning when they asked me how I was. My Head let me hide in the staffroom and do admin. Tomorrow I have PPA all day so will hide then too. I thought the children would forget me, it's been so long. Luckily I declared myself "fit for work" on the Friday we broke up but my Head postponed the training day and we all stayed home. It is really hard for me as I teach Nursery and all the parents arrives babes in arms. There are two pregnant staff, plenty of pregnant Mums and a few newborn siblings. I find it really hard to cope. I hope that other women's stories help you although nothing can heal you any faster. It is so depressing. Today I received a letter about my counselling referral. I asked my GP to put me on the waiting list and I can't wait to talk to a professional. My husband is very sympathetic but also very broody. He wants us to try again soon but I miss our baby SO much. I think I could weep day and night and still feel like I am not expressing enough. Urgh! I hope you are feeling okay and that you stay off work for as long as you need to. They will have to cope without you. I now know life is too short to put work first. Those children have their parents to care for them and you have to look after yourself xxx PS Welshlizzie - I have started writing 3 kisses but used to be 2. I hadn't thought of it as representative as a "new addition" until you mentioned it :eek:)
  13. redz

    redz New commenter

    As everyone else has said there is no right wrong to how you feel, cope and deal with period of grief Nawoods.You must allow yourself to grieve and then try to heal. Life changes and it is very hard. For Foundation stage my heart goes out to you and you must take time to cry, scream weep, do whatever you need to do. I admire you going for counselling
    After my first I blocked it out, it never happened, the second time I told a few close friends as they were concerned by my tears for no reason...had to explain after colleague brought new baby into staffroom and I left in tears. The third time was the most traumatic and the hardest,previously my oh and me were the only ones to know I was pregnant but this time I was 16weeks and had scan and announced it to the world! I had to go in and have baby taken after which I hid away and wouldn't go out, terrified meeitng someone and having to state it out loud. I took week off and was going back as I was made to feel I should but realised that there was no way I could face anyone, so I was signed off for almost 4 weeks, returning just before summer hols. I felt I needed to go back by this time as I didn't want the thought of speaking to people and seeing their faces of pity hanging over me for 7 weeks. This way I was able to deal with everyone then go off on hols again. For me, I had a little rose bush which I have added to and I do find myself talking to it, I am lucky as hubbie is very open and will talk hug cry with me when I need it but sometimes it is so very hard to be happy for close friends who have bumps or have just announced yet another pregnancy. But smile on the surface and cry underneath

  14. Hi nawoods, How are you?
    Bexs, So sorry to hear about your miscarriage. It is a scary prospect to think of it happening again but remember that after a miscarriage, doctors are insistent that you are no more likely than anyone else ( who has never miscarried) to miscarry in your next pregnancy. it is very hard to accept that I know as you just feel like the most unlucky person in the world at the time.Wishing you strength to try again when you feel ready x
  15. nawoods

    nawoods New commenter

    I am getting there thanks ladymarm. I ovulated this week - which was a surprise as it was cd35 and I was expecting af to be here. At least I know that my body is slowly getting back to normal. It is just the thought of going through all the ttc again that seems so unfair.
    I still have days when I will cry and the silliest of things can set me off. I can't help the jealously feeling of hearing about other people's pregnancies and announcements, I guess this is normal. This forum has been great to talk about it. When you hear other people's stories you know you are not alone. It is definately a good source of therapy.
  16. Yes, I found it so helpful to be honest about how i was feeling on here too! In real life sometimes you feel like you have to say you are feeling better when actually you aren't.
    The jealousy thing- I know it's horrible and you feel like an old cow- but of course it's normal to feel like this and to feel like a cry over small things.Your cycle coming back can be a huge relief.
    A few of us back in August wrote on thread called sometihng like' Miscarriage- when to start trying again?' . You might like to search for and read it if you haven't already. It was a lifeline for me and the women on it were an amazing support.
    All the best nawoods xx
  17. Hello nawoods, so sorry to hear your news. I can't really add to the good advice given here, but just wanted to say give yourself time and don't feel bad about feeling bad (if that makes any sense at all!). I had 2 mc's last year, one in Feb and one in May (both in half term strangely). For me being back at work helped and it was times when I was alone when I felt sad. 'Milestones' are hard too - it was a year ago that I found out I was pregnant and I've found the last week or so quite difficult. You do go through a grieving process after a miscarriage so just take care of yourself and allow yourself the time you need xx

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