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When do you finally give in and admit you need a divorce?

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by all_heart, Jun 22, 2012.

  1. all_heart

    all_heart New commenter

    We've been arguing on and off for a few years (only been married 5) and it's got so much worse. The other day he said some personal things, not spur of the moment things but things that must have been in his head for a while. It was horrible, he came and said them right in my face (no violence at all) and swore - he never swears. we've recently had a baby and i know that doesn't help things but if it wasn't for her i think i would walk away tonight but it's not about me anymore i have to think of her. when we met he wasn't confident, i boosted his confidence and he really came out his shell, as i encouraged that i became quieter to give him a chance to have his time and turns - now he's just become arrogant, i wouldn't have chosen to marry an arrogant man - i chose to marry a quiet, lovely, kind man. i'm struggling to live like this i almost wast to go through life now with him in the house for our daughters sake but get on with my own things and not rely on him for anything, not feel like i'm waiting for him to say something nice - with no expectations i can't be disappointed anymore. he stormed off to bed an hour ago saying i shouted at him while he was shouting at me. I've just returned to work after maternity leave and have a bag full of work and reports to write, i asked him to clear up the kitchen and put LO to bed so i could get on with it - he expected a medal, but when i said yes you did the kitchen but you did it when she was awake so i couldn't do work i had to look after her (the idea was i would do as much as tonight so i could enjoy the whole weekend with her and not feel work pressure) i said you could've cleaned the kitchen after putting her to bed - this is how the major row started. I'm down stairs i may as well try and finish as many reports and i feel like sleeping down here thats how upset i am. to others this is a silly row but i can't do this for the rest of my life. When do you give in an say divorce? i don't think i could ever be with someone again after this, trusting someone and loving them with your all to have it all gone is too heartbreaking and draining, i could never put myself through these feeling again
     
  2. all_heart

    all_heart New commenter

    We've been arguing on and off for a few years (only been married 5) and it's got so much worse. The other day he said some personal things, not spur of the moment things but things that must have been in his head for a while. It was horrible, he came and said them right in my face (no violence at all) and swore - he never swears. we've recently had a baby and i know that doesn't help things but if it wasn't for her i think i would walk away tonight but it's not about me anymore i have to think of her. when we met he wasn't confident, i boosted his confidence and he really came out his shell, as i encouraged that i became quieter to give him a chance to have his time and turns - now he's just become arrogant, i wouldn't have chosen to marry an arrogant man - i chose to marry a quiet, lovely, kind man. i'm struggling to live like this i almost wast to go through life now with him in the house for our daughters sake but get on with my own things and not rely on him for anything, not feel like i'm waiting for him to say something nice - with no expectations i can't be disappointed anymore. he stormed off to bed an hour ago saying i shouted at him while he was shouting at me. I've just returned to work after maternity leave and have a bag full of work and reports to write, i asked him to clear up the kitchen and put LO to bed so i could get on with it - he expected a medal, but when i said yes you did the kitchen but you did it when she was awake so i couldn't do work i had to look after her (the idea was i would do as much as tonight so i could enjoy the whole weekend with her and not feel work pressure) i said you could've cleaned the kitchen after putting her to bed - this is how the major row started. I'm down stairs i may as well try and finish as many reports and i feel like sleeping down here thats how upset i am. to others this is a silly row but i can't do this for the rest of my life. When do you give in an say divorce? i don't think i could ever be with someone again after this, trusting someone and loving them with your all to have it all gone is too heartbreaking and draining, i could never put myself through these feeling again
     
  3. kittylion

    kittylion Established commenter

    Maybe he will think better of it in the morning - or maybe not. The thing I found when we had a baby (years ago) was that there was a time lag for the father which biologically the mother cannot have.
    He thinks he can go on as he did as a single man and then as a newly married man with no kids - ie get up late, have a leisurely weekend or holiday, leave the washing up till tomorrow, go to bed when he's tired - even if the LO is bouncing around and you have school work to do. Is he a teacher too - this could be another factor? My OH's evenings and weekends were his own.
    If he is still stubborn and sulking today, then I think you should go to your desk and write these reports and leave him to it. Tell him that the deadline is Monday and you had wanted to finish them last night but ...
    If he continues to feel ill-done-by and continues to be abusive, then have this discussion - tell him that bit of your OP
    Tell him that you would rather be married to nobody than to an arrogant bully and that you don't want your daughter to grow up thinking that's how people treat and speak to each other.
    If it comes to the crunch you would be happier (eventually) without him - I am, although it took a long time and we divorced for all sorts of different reasons, but one of my reasons was his default treatment of me - he would improve a bit after a row/discussion and then revert as soon as something annoyed him.
    If it continues, have the discussion and see how he reacts. If he doesn't care, then I think it might be time to call it a day, if he takes what you say on board, then maybe there's hope.
    Also be prepared for him to air his gripes too - there are two sides to every story and it is all about co-operation.
    Have you thought of posting this on the Personal forum?
     
  4. if he hasn't apologised today then i'd think about walking out or asking him to leave. fighting is one thing, throwing personal insults and character assassinations is another.
    does he think he's perfect? does he realised you're not happy with him or does he just think he's the only one putting up with an imperfect partner?
     
  5. When you know in your heart that you can be a better parent to your child on your own than you can as part of a couple.
    When you know that there is no love, friendship, fondness, care or respect for each within the relationship.
    When you know that if you continue to remain in the relationship you will reach a crisis point in your own (mental) health and wellbeing.
    The first couple of years of being married are hard work and take a lot of adjustments and compromises, on both sides. If only one party was making those adjustments and compromises in the honeymoon period then the relationship was becoming/became unbalanced. Again it takes adjustments and compromises when you have a baby... if the same one person is having to make all these adjustments and compromises again, then it can lead to resentment and anger, frustration and bitterness. One partner feels that they are doing all the hard work within the relationship and the other partner is doing nothing. But maybe that partner doesn't know or realise what s/he is supposed to do or how to make changes?
    Having children can magnify the worst parts of a relationship if there are already some cracks and sometimes it's easier to pull apart than pull together. Sometimes things like this are temporary, but that doesn't mean that they will be sorted out in a matter of hours or days. It takes weeks, months, years to build a solid marriage and lots of time, effort and commitment from both partners. It doesn't just happen by magic, it takes work.
    Also, as an aside, don't get trapped into thinking that you cannot live your normal lives with a young baby or child. Life doesn't stop because you have them! Having a baby doesn't mean that you can't sit and do your reports while the child plays on the floor or whatever. Household chores shouldn't be put off until the child is out or asleep. Parenting is not about taking turns with the child so each parent can have their own bit of time to do their own thing. That's not real life and it immediately turns your parenting into a divisive, task-based activity that's ripe for tit-for-tat bickering. You are setting yourself up to fail.
     
  6. McCahey

    McCahey New commenter

    You have so much going on in your life, not least of all a baby! You will both be exhausted and 'fragile'. You say this has been going on for a few years. Has it escalated? Without demeaning anything you have said, is this a very bad patch? Do you see yourself working through it? You actually describe your husband in lovely terms. Would he respond to a letter from you? Be prepared to take some it back. Changes often happen on both sides in a relationship. Perhaps counselling if he would agree?
    I will be thinking of you.
     

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