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What would you do?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by captain oats, May 14, 2011.

  1. captain oats

    captain oats New commenter

    My mum has always had a rough time. She left us (me, my bro and my sis and my dad) when we were young to live with another man. She was very unhappy in this relationship and got herself into a lot of debt, she left him a few years ago to live alone in a horrible council flat.

    She is having real money troubles, something which she says she is trying to get on top of/is getting help with but every few weeks she emails or rings to ask for money, £100 here and there. Most of them time I am more than happy to do this for her, but having received another email today asking for money after only giving her £200 at the beginning of the month I am starting to get a bit fed up. I could give her the money, but once again it will be money I know I am not going to get back.

    What would you do?
  2. littlemissraw

    littlemissraw Occasional commenter

    Does she say what its for? Maybe you could take her some food instead of giving her money x
  3. captain oats

    captain oats New commenter

    She says it's to pay her bills as she doesn't earn very much. She lives 3 hours away so taking her things isn't always the easiest option.
  4. Are you not in the slightest bit bitter that she is YOUR mum and whilst she should have been looking after you, she left and then proceeded to get herself into lots of trouble that she expects YOU to get her out of?
    I know she is your mother and you will always love her, but it sounds like she needs some help to help herself, and I think a heart-to-heart, some tough love and a demand she seek professional help would be more helpful than just bailing her out time after time.
  5. missmunchie

    missmunchie New commenter

    NO! You've had a rough time, your mother was an adult when she abandoned you as a child and has made her own (bad) decisions.
    Why does she not call to ask for help? Email seems a very cold and odd way to ask for help (money) from a family member. Maybe she sends these emails out to a few other people as well.
    Please don't give her any more money, she is old enough to look after herself. Don't feel guilty for saying NO!
  6. Totally agree.
  7. Offer to go round and help her sort out a budget she can afford.
  8. captain oats

    captain oats New commenter

    I know you're all right and that I shouldn't be the one looking out for her... I have to say no but I know she will make me feel really guilty, but I am going to be strong this time.
  9. clear_air

    clear_air New commenter

    Ugh, guilt trips from the parentals is a nightmare! Parentals behaving like your own child is a triple nightmare.
    No more money. She is a grown up. You run the risk of getting yourself into financial trouble if you continue to bail her out.
    Sounds like there are big problems here, but, from what you've said, sending money isn't going to fix them. xx
  10. Captian oats, if I remember rightly and haven't confused you with another poster, you have been living with your boyfriend's family and are trying to set up together with him on your own. You were saving for ages weren't you to get your own place? Seems to me you need the money just as much as your mother.

  11. captain oats

    captain oats New commenter

    Almost me, I have been living with my dad and my boyfriend was living with his parents, we are saving to buy a place but this month we have actually started renting a place together so yeah I do need the money. Money that is mine and I have earned.
  12. chicabonita

    chicabonita New commenter

    I know lots of grownup children keep going back to their mum and dad for handouts- this might be in reverse but you mustn't feel guilty. You've helped her out and it can't keep going on forever.
  13. captain oats

    captain oats New commenter

    Oh god, and to make matters worse my sister has just text me to say that mum had got in touch with her. When I said I wasn't going to give mum any money I got a reply saying 'I send her £50 a month, the least you could do is help as well.'
    Grrrr... now I will get a guilt trip from her as well. Not too bothered about the fact that she sends her money, it's her choice, but makes me more angry that mum has had to ask both of us.
  14. chicabonita

    chicabonita New commenter

    "I have helped out, to the tune of £xxx over the last...months. I can't afford it this month/any more."
    Surely no-one could guilt trip you on that basis?
    Incidentally, are you close to your mum or in touch regularly apart from these begging contacts?

  15. clear_air

    clear_air New commenter

    Perhaps you ought to have a get together as a family (your siblings) and find out how much money between you you ahve been giving your mum. Perhaps you could take a chance then to discuss what you think is reasonable, and necessary. ?
  16. captain oats

    captain oats New commenter

    I see my mum quite often, maybe once a month if not more. When I see her she doesn't mention the money problems, I think she wants to put a brave face on things.

    Something I didn't mention earlier was that last year when I decided to get a new car I gave my mum my old one instead of selling it... I think I have done my bit.

    If my sister wants to carry on that's her problem. She's always felt as though she has to be the hero, she will probably give me more of a guilt trip than my mum but I'm used to that. She's my older sister so I've had a lifetime of her saying I'm doing things wrong lol.
  17. Captain Oats I have had a very similar situation with my oldest sister. My two other sisters and I bailed her out of huge debt just over two years ago (after many times in the past sorting her out with money for shopping or the odd bill etc). The understanding was she would sell her house and any equity left (ha!) she would use to pay us back the thousands we gave her.
    In a nut shell she didn't put the house on the market although lied and said she had.
    However, all the money we gave her amounted to nothing as last October she was waiting to be repossessed as she is just useless with cash. This time I had no money to help her out and yet she was still asking (despite me having paid numerous bills for her over the previous year) knowing she would never be able to pay me back.
    I couldn't help her out this time and consequently haven't heard from her since October. She is selfish and is a user. She barely speaks to my other sisters either as again they couldn't afford to "lend" thousands of pounds without seeing a penny of it back.
    I guess why I am sharing this is because my sister grew to expect the family to bail her out and whilst we were able and happy to, she never dealt with her real problem (over spending, lack of budget, not facing the problem and seeking the help when she could have) and this meant she constantly kept coming back for money.
    CO, I would suggest you tell your mum you will help her to sort her finances out but that you can't keep giving her money. If she genuinely wants to sort out her problem she will accept your offer. If she doesn't want the help then it's clear she is just a user and has no regard for you and the money you have given her in the past.
    I hope this horrible mess gets sorted out soon for you. x

  18. Spanakopita

    Spanakopita New commenter

    I would suggest to your mother that she gets some financial advice but I wouldn't give her another penny.

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