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What would you do if...

Discussion in 'Personal' started by captain oats, Mar 7, 2011.

  1. captain oats

    captain oats New commenter

    ...you found out your sister's boyfriend had cheated on her? (Possibly more than once).

    I know this is probably going to sound like a teenage problem page letter, but it honestly isn't. My sister's friend rang me the other day because she has found out that my sister's boyfriend has cheated on her. She isn't sure what to do. I don't want to tell her because my sister knows how much I despise her boyfriend anyway (that's another very long story!)

    Would you tell her or keep quiet? (They have been together 4 years and are living together.)
  2. mickymilan

    mickymilan New commenter

    must tell
  3. I would make sure you know as much as possible first.
    Has he cheated more than once?
    How reliable is the information?
    Did it happen recently or a long time ago?
    It's not always black and white so you need to know what you are talking about if you do say.
  4. Speak now, or forever hold your peace. Either way, it's a poisoned chalice.
  5. I think you need to tell her. At the end of the day, regardless to your opinion of her boyfriend, good, bad or indifferent, she's your sister.
    Would you want to know if you were her? I certainly would.
    Good luck x
  6. bombaysapphire

    bombaysapphire Star commenter

    It is indeed.
    I agree with the post about being very, very sure about the reliability of your source. If you are not 100% sure then don't say anything.
    There are so many variables about your relationship with your sister that only you can decide. Some things to consider:
    • If you tell her will she leave him or just stay with him and be unhappier for the knowledge?
    • If she leaves him then will she be better off?
    • What will it do to your relationship with your sister? How will that affect her life?
  7. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Star commenter

  8. captain oats

    captain oats New commenter

    My source is reliable and has said she will come forward and talk to my sister if she doesn't believe who tells her.

    It happened a few months ago, they had sex while my sister was away for the weekend.
    Other incidents include:

    He has kissed a girl before, which my sister knows about. He bought her flowers to say sorry so she forgave him.
    The other week she rang him while he was out at a nightclub, she was supposed to pick him up and couldn't get hold of him. She rang him and a girl answered his phone. She couldn't get hold of him for the rest of the night because he 'fell asleep in his friend's car'.
    I honestly believe my sister is in denial about what he is really like. I don't know if her finding out this most recent piece of information would actually change anything.
  9. I would be careful then about discussing this with her, maybe she is 'happy' to turn a blind eye to his behaviour. Perhaps she already knows. Other people getting involved may result in her turning to him even more and pushing others away. It is difficult to understand why people tolerate different behaviours, but sometimes its only through our own mistakes do we learn.
  10. Let the friend do the telling, keep out of it. The friend doesn't want to do it (maybe she also thinks your sister is in denial and will shoot the messenger?) and is probably hoping that you will take on that responsibility. I wouldn't do it.
  11. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    Life can be very messy when people start decieving and lying. This guy is taking the proverbial. What a chinless wonder!! Treat your sister like an adult and let her make her own mind up. She needs all the facts in order to do that and just now she is being kept in the dark. There's also the issue of her health. If he is playing around, whilst drunk, it's unlikely he is using condoms. Would you wish for your sister to catch Hep C or some other STD? No.
    I have been the messenger in the past and done the telling. I have also been the receiver of unwelcome news. The truth will out eventually. It nearly always does. Better she know early on that this man is not worthy of her love, rather than in years to come. There's so much more at stake than a (temporary) broken heart.
    I might even be tempted to somehow get photographs proving his indiscretions, if I suspected that my sister was the kind of person who would require hard evidence (not gossip or hearsay).
    You need to be clear within yourself that you can deal with the various, potential outcomes.

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