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What to do...........

Discussion in 'Personal' started by dogcat, Apr 28, 2011.

  1. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    This is probably goona look simple on paper and like maybe I hsoudl just cut my losses, but here goes (the shortest version I can muster)
    Been with my bf for 2yrs, moved 70 miles to live with him at his parents at Christmas. This was because we wanted to be in the same area and it was easier for me to move than him.
    I have a new job up here, and am starting my MA in September, semi funded by my school. His parent's house his huge and there is plenty of room here I give them money each month, but they won't take much off me. Living here is very helpful for my savings, as with the minimal amount I pay here I should have a house deposit by the end of 2012. I have joined a local social group and I have a friend that already lives up here.
    Here are the issues! My bf has lived at home always, he went to uni and then dropped out after his first year. Since then he has worked in the family business, a cafe owneds by his grandparents. He plays rugby semi-pro and gets about £80 a week ish from that. He is very intelligent, good education from a grammer school but has done nothing for almost the past decade in terms of education or other work.
    Since we met he has wanted to try and make his life better, and so has done a foundation year in Sciences (A levels are Russian, Economics and IT). He is looking to do a degree next year and has picked Nutrition. The problem is he has no real direction, one minute it is nutrition, then it is primary teaching, then it is not a degree but personal training course.
    Meanwhile I am left to wait for him to become an adult, live in his parent's house for 3 more years?! If I save a deposit he can't afford to move in with me and I can't afford to keep him. It means that i cannnot even think about kids for the next 3yrs, and I just don't know what to do any more.
    I feel so low about it all, and I feel trapped. If I move out then I can't afford to save anything towards a house, if I rent a room I also can hardly save and I'll live with a stranger in a strange area. I find it so frustrating, anyone else my age would be able to share the cost if living somewhere and he can't.
  2. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    Do you like him?
  3. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    Hahaha! Good post, yeah I like him. Wouldn't have moved 70 miles and taken a 5K pay cut on a whim!
  4. giraffe

    giraffe New commenter

    sorted then!
  5. littlemissraw

    littlemissraw Occasional commenter

    So flat share with someone else or get a small place on your own and you can rent it out and buy together when hes ready to play house?
    MY OH is on less than M1 and hes managing to support me as I try and start up my own business (or find another teaching post), I can understand you don't want to carry 'dead weight' if hes never going to get his act together career wise but surely he'll have figured something out by 2012?!
    Love is more important than money... xx
  6. PlymouthMaid

    PlymouthMaid Occasional commenter

    Perhaps you need to have a bit of a chat over a glass of de-inhibitor or three about where you both see your lives going in the next 3 or so years. Maybe he is a 'live in the moment' man, like a lot of them, and doesn't see an issue at all. Would be good to have an open but unthreatening and non-accusatory natter.
  7. jazz2

    jazz2 New commenter

    and yet you are considering moving out? Except of course for the fact that
    Don't think I'd want to continue living with someone who was only staying with me so they could afford to save up a deposit on a property I couldn't afford to live in with them.
    Nor would I want to subsidise the partner of my offspring while he/she saved up the money to buy a house my son/daughter couldn't afford to move to with them.
    But I guess that's just me.

  8. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    Dogcat, I'm giving you my most withering and stern teacher look. Is this not the same issue around and around again, with the the same funking bloke as the previous threads?
    Did I hear 'Yeah'?
    OMG!!! Sort it out. Have you any idea how annoying it is coming on Personal, fully expecting a new batch of wonderfully exciting problems to solve, only to be met with the same one, regurgitated, over and over???????? [​IMG]
    Ownlee joekin [​IMG]
    But sort it!

  9. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    I am not just with him for the deposit, and if he sorted himself out then he could afford to live with me. He has some savings, he would probab;y have about 4k to put towards a deposit by end of next year.
    If he wanted to he could earn more from rugby, buthe prefers to play at the highest level he can regardless of money (mainly because he has nothing to pay for).
    He could afford to live with me as a student, plenty don't live at home for free, but it seems daft to pay half bills with me when he can live at home rent free.

    He thinks it is all fine and I can live here for 3 yrs, and his mum has told me I am welcome for however long. But she also thinks that he will never change and that if I want out then she understands.
    If I leave I may regret it, and if I stay I may go insane! If I move out and stay with him I will be here all the time anyway, so I'll be paying money for somewhere I never am. I just want to be able to see into the future by 3 years and seee what will happen.
    Don't want to be an old mum if I have kids, and at 27 I am running out of good childbearing years. Just don't know what to do.
  10. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    Does he want children?

  11. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    Wrong. If you were 37 I might agree with you.
  12. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    When we met, neither of us did. But I have been thinking about it more recently, we have spoken about it and he says he does want them. But I don't think he fully realises what needs to be in place first, in terms of finances and accomadation for a start! I would not even try until that was sorted.
  13. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    He doesn't seem to be massively interested in your plan does he?

  14. NellyFUF

    NellyFUF Lead commenter

    you need to get "grandma" thinking about these things.
  15. I had exactly this problem with my ex [granted I did not move all that way to be with him. We lived at his parents and I went to work and grafted my **** off and he spent most of my money. He played at being a self employed joiner but never put any real effort in and would go months without working.
    We eventually split up and I moved on and found a new partner. 4 years on he still lives with his parents [he is now 29] and my mum saw him wandering out of the job centre last week so I presume he is still not working.
    Some men [and women] do not grow up. I'm not judging your fella by my ex's standards just sharing my experience [unhelpful as it probably is]
    Whatever decision you make, stick to your guns!
  16. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    He doesn't spend my money not any of it. We pay evenly for everything, he gets up at 6am for his uni course to get a free parking space. He is not lazy, if he is not in college in works at the family cafe, and two nights a week he drives an hr each way for rugby training, plus a game every saturday. He does his assignments and things on his free evenings or a Sunday.
    He saves what money he can, and has a couple of grand saved up. We always have a nice holiday etc, but this is all because he has no outgoings in terms of accomodation or bills.
    The problem is when he has only ever had his rugby career and worked in the cafe it is difficult to just get a job without experience, especially in this climate.
    He has tried, and going to college this last year to be able to do BSc was a big step for him. The problem is we are in such different stages in our lives, I earn an ok salary, with my TLR allowance despite the pay cut I took and I am ready to get a house in the next 18months and then think about kids. He is also ready for those things, and wants to do them but financially is unable.
    I feel like I should just leave and start afresh, but then I may regret it. there areplenty of people with jobs out there, but that doesn't make them decent, kind and loving. Ijust wish we were 23 and not 27, then it would all not seem so time bound.
  17. MayKasahara

    MayKasahara New commenter

    Do you mean he wants to go to university 'next year' as in September 2011 or September 2012? It could make a big difference to the ammount he will have to pay for his tuition fees.
  18. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    So his parents have a big house and a cafe?

  19. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    September this year. His grandparents have the cafe, his mum and stepdad have the big house. Stepdad is a solicitor, his mum does legal work too.
    If he had a plan then it wouldn't be too bad, 27 is not that old and I am unable to get my own place anyway until at least another 18months with or without him. Sometimes I think I should just enjoy being able to live so cheaply and stop worrying and just see what happens in the next 18months.
    That way I could concentrate on work and my MA and having an easy going relationship, instead of feeling like a constant moaning nag!
  20. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    yep. I think that makes sense.

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