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What advice can I give a friend whose Husband has announced he's leaving

Discussion in 'Personal' started by jayney27, Aug 21, 2011.

  1. Hi all,
    I wasn't even sure how to start this thread. Having returned just over a week ago I found out today that a very close friend has been keeping to herself the fact that two weeks ago whilst we were away, her husband has announced that he feels the marriage is over.
    Luckily we live very close and she has other friends around her as well but I want to make sure she gets the best advice.
    Unfortunately, he is acting a bit of an **** and hasn't actually left the house. Last night he stayed out all night not coming home until 7.00 am. He has refused relate and told her he will take her for everything she has. He still wants to use the family car which is in her name and told her as she doesn't work and he 'pays for her to stay at home' she should still do his washing (She refused).
    I am just worried he is playing mind games with her. She's been a housewife since the kids were born (17 years ago) and has no money coming in apart from his which I think she is worried he is spending irresponsibly. (Joint Account).
    She's got two kids (17 and 11). My advise was to start writing down everything he says and does and to look at getting to the citizens advise pronto. I also wondered about the solicitors. I've told her I'll go for support and to write things down.
    Is there anything else either she or I could do ?

    Thanks.

     
  2. Hi all,
    I wasn't even sure how to start this thread. Having returned just over a week ago I found out today that a very close friend has been keeping to herself the fact that two weeks ago whilst we were away, her husband has announced that he feels the marriage is over.
    Luckily we live very close and she has other friends around her as well but I want to make sure she gets the best advice.
    Unfortunately, he is acting a bit of an **** and hasn't actually left the house. Last night he stayed out all night not coming home until 7.00 am. He has refused relate and told her he will take her for everything she has. He still wants to use the family car which is in her name and told her as she doesn't work and he 'pays for her to stay at home' she should still do his washing (She refused).
    I am just worried he is playing mind games with her. She's been a housewife since the kids were born (17 years ago) and has no money coming in apart from his which I think she is worried he is spending irresponsibly. (Joint Account).
    She's got two kids (17 and 11). My advise was to start writing down everything he says and does and to look at getting to the citizens advise pronto. I also wondered about the solicitors. I've told her I'll go for support and to write things down.
    Is there anything else either she or I could do ?

    Thanks.

     
  3. He will find that quite tricky while she has the 11 year old! She needs to get to a lawyer - and remind him that he has children and should care what they think of him as his current behaviour sounds like he will alienate the children. She also needs to make sure that she doesn't try to turn the children against their father even though it will be extremely difficult!
     
  4. Today, whilst she was at my house, he has put stuff in black bin bags and took all his clothes.
    Her youngest doesn't know yet. He's currently at my house playing with his best friend my son. Her eldest (daughter 17) was in at the time and has turned on mum as she was the one who 'told him to go'
    She's been advised by relatives not to go for job interviews as she will be worse off.
     
  5. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    If she's a housewife what is the 'everything' he's going to take her for?
    She needs legal advice.

     
  6. Please encourage your friend to seek legal advice with a degree of urgency. Go with her if needs be. She must take steps to protect herself and her children and the roof over their heads.
     
  7. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    Think she needs to do something about the joint account as well.
     
  8. Incidentally, no matter how angry these two people are with each other, I am appalled that they haven't sat down and explained what is happening to the children - especially the youngest. I can't begin to imagine how he is going to feel when he finds out his father has left without saying goodbye and offering reassurance. Very selfish behaviour.
     
  9. She has tried to get him to talk and the kids are aware but at the moment it's a lot of anger coming from his part.He literally sat the kids down, told them he was leaving but then didn't. It's been a case of him stringing them along for two weeks until things came to a head about him staying out all night. Rather than argue, that's why she gave him space for a few hours today and returned to find him literally walking out of the door with his stuff. (His teenage daughter was in the house whilst he packed up, his son he actually didn't know where he was)
    He's being very blunt and matter of fact about it there doesn't seem to be any emtion at all from him.
    Must admint, I can't believe any dad would walk out and not say goodbye to his children.
     
  10. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Lead commenter

    She needs to stop.listening merely to.friends and make a solicitor's appointment at 9am on Monday. I'm astonished she hasn't already done so.
     
  11. Change the locks. Go to the bank and tell them what's happened. Lock the joint account. See a solicitor asap.
     
  12. inq

    inq

    You aren't allowed to change locks - - - but are allowed to add extra for your own security!! Banks tend to freeze joint accounts as soon as they know there's marital problems like this to save either party emptying account - this can make life awkward.
    Se a solicitor ASAP.
     
  13. fantastischfish

    fantastischfish Established commenter

    Firstly, I'd like to say how awful it must be to be in your friend's situation.
    However, we must remember that we do not know all of the details here. Her husband seems to be very angry from what the OP has described. To me, this would suggest that there is much more to the matter than that he simply wokeup one monring and made a decision. There is either something deep-rooted in the relationship, or he has some problems of his own that are causing him to be angry and behave irrationally (there is, obviously, also the chance that he's just an a*seh0le but I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt and assume that it's not as simple as that.
    I'd tend to agree with other posters and suggest she seeks both legal and financial advice immediately. I'd further advise her to ensure that she tells her immediate family (parents/siblings etc) as she will need lots of support.

     
  14. I would put money on there being another woman who is possibly getting cold feet now he is making moves to leave his family.

    it is rare for a men to threaten to leave his marital home without obvious provokation unless he has somewhere - and someone - to go to.
     
  15. dumpty

    dumpty Lead commenter

    Also agree there has to be more to this than a man 'acting an ar.se' like this and that we should believe that is just the way he is.
     
  16. doomzebra

    doomzebra Occasional commenter

    What a scrotum-tighteningly stupid piece of advice
    She should be looking to the future and working out how the hell she will support herself (and her family) in the longer term

     
  17. It would appear this has been in his mind for a little while and not spur of the moment.
    Found out his sports team (for which he plays every Sunday) were aware he was planning to leave before she did !

     
  18. This sounds so similar to the situation my friend is going through. Sometimes people spend a very long time thnking something over without the other party having a clue and once they have got the decision secure in their head they act on it in the wrong way. This man clearly either has something to be angry about or has turned his mind in on him and is temporarily (hopefully) ignoring anyone else's feelings.
    My friend's dad was very useful and took the husband for a drink, pointing out that he was being an **** and his wife and children didn't deserve to be dis-respected even if he did decide to leave. This worked to a degree. Is there anyone your friend's husband might listen to a quiet but firm word from?
    She definitely needs to see a solicitor too,even if only to pull her husband up sharp a bit and show him that just because she's spent 17 years taking care of him and her children doesn't mean she's a brainless pushover who is going to be kicked out of her home!
    Horrible. My friend is just about getting on track now. It's been a year since he said 'I'm not happy.' and they are starting divorce proceedings sadly but things are getting much better. Friends and family are very important at times like this.
     
  19. oliverferret

    oliverferret New commenter

    She should definitely go a see a solicitor asap but should also choose carefully. In my experience there are 2 types of divorce solicitor - the combative type that seem to inflame an already tense situation (this is the type that advocate screwing him for every penny) and those that work through mediation. My advice would be to choose the latter - its better for the children and he is more likely to willingly follow through on things like paying maintenance if it has been mutually agreed rather than forced

    Also as a friend I would also keep in the back of my mind that there is a possibility that they'll stay together so be supportive but don't run him down too much.
     
  20. When my husband decided to leave (and a wise decision it was, for both of us), he contacted the bank and they agreed to keep the joint account open for a while. It made that easier. However, having agreed that we would make joint decisions about what to have from the house, he came in one day and removed a load of stuff because he "didn't know what I might do". Married to me for years and suddenly couldn't trust me. I am afraid in these situations trust goes out of the window. She needs to do everything she can to protect herself financially, even if that goes against the grain.
     

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