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We're being treated like teenagers!

Discussion in 'Personal' started by anon2011, Sep 1, 2011.

  1. (Sorry, I know that people are suspicious of 'new' posters but I didn't want this thread associated with my usual username.)

    I'm really upset at the way in which my partner's parents have handled the news of my pregnancy. The pregnancy wasn't planned but we've been together for just over 2 years and have discussed having children, so we were both really happy.I'm nearly 18 weeks gone and we told his parents 5 weeks ago, as we wanted to have the first scan before telling anyone. My parents were a little shocked but are very excited. His parents reacted rather differently. They're both Catholic and are against sex before marriage. I didn't realise this until we'd been dating for almost a year! My partner isn't Catholic and neither of us were virgins when we met, so sex has always been a natural part of the relationship. They know that we've been living together for the last year and have never let on that they disapproved.

    When we told his parents that I was pregnant, they said that they're really disappointed in us and that they thought we'd want to do things the 'right' way. They said that I have no morals and called me a 'tramp', despite the fact that we've always got on very well up to this point!

    It has been 5 weeks now and they still haven't come round to the idea. They won't answer my boyfriend's calls and didn't even send me a birthday card last week. I could maybe understand if we were 16 but we're not - we're 31!
    We've tried getting in touch but we've also tried giving them space...I don't know what to do! I'm not going to apologise for being pregnant! This baby will be loved just as much as if we'd been trying for years!

    What can we do? I'm sick of feeling so stressed, I just want to sort it out!
  2. Cervinia

    Cervinia Occasional commenter

    It's not your problem to sort out. As you say, you're two adults in a stable (?) relationship. I could understand they may be a little upset initially, but 5 weeks is ridiculous: ignoring calls/birthdays is a juvenile way to deal with the situation.
    What right do they have to apply their religion's rules to your relationship? Be glad that you've found out about their interfering ways at this early stage. Time to cut ties. Keep them away from you and your future children. Your partner may need support in this.
  3. I don't really know how much you can do if they are so set in their ways. Try not to let it play on your mind too much, particularly what they said as it could have been an outburst of shock.
    Did you OH know about his parents views on having children before marriage?
  4. My mum had equally strict views on this until my son was born - when she realised everything that she would be missing out on she came round and is now the most devoted grandmother you could imagine. It took a very long time for us to be able to have a decent relationship but we have got there. Good luck, and try not to let this ruin your fantastic news or cause problems in your relationship with your partner. And congratulations!
  5. Eureka!

    Eureka! Lead commenter

    Get them on board if you can, within reason. You could humour them by saying maybe you will get married one day, who knows... etc. But for now this is the way it is, and we are going to make a good job of it.
  6. Smile until your face cracks.
    They might come round; they might not. If they managed to be civil if disapproving of your living in sin, then bringing a child into the world outside matrimony isn't that big a step further. Obviously I think they are a pair of mediaeval superstitious miseries but they are unfortunately your child's grandparents, and for his or her sake, you should try and keep the channels of communication open.
    I daresay they've put some pressure on the child's father to marry you. It can't be easy for him but his support should be for you, not them. He made his choice to defy his upbringing and have sex with you outside marriage and produce this pregnancy and he can't have it both ways. If you marry before the child is born, they should thaw a bit. But if you don't, they'll be cutting off their noses to spite their faces by freezing you out. In keeping with the Catholic belief in the virgin birth, I'm delighted to see that you, the tramp, are getting the blame for it singlehandedly!
    I don't know how much contact you have with them usually but if you can briskly rise above their rudeness to your face and always appear friendly and courteous, then they can never throw that back in your face. And if they do come round and an apology is too much to hope for, then at least you can feel smug in the knowledge that you were the bigger person.
  7. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    Never mind, just cross them off your christmas card list and move on.
    It isn't as if they are your mates is it?
  8. NellyFUF

    NellyFUF Lead commenter

    That is so sad for them - yes OK the old rules might be whatever but there is every reason for them to love cherish and care for their grandchild and their son and daughter in law even if marriage is not going to happen. If they wanted their son to marry (a tramp? dear me!) then this is not the way to go about it.
    Because people come first. Perhaps with time they will come round to accepting your moral values and learn to be loving people as well as Catholics.
  9. PlymouthMaid

    PlymouthMaid Occasional commenter

    Lily has said exactly what i would say but, as ever, way more succinctly.
  10. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

  11. doomzebra

    doomzebra Occasional commenter

    Stuff 'em - you are (presumeably) both adults, living your own lives.
  12. What Lurk said. What about you coming round to the fact that as far as they are concerned you are a tramp? Nice.
  13. lunarita

    lunarita Established commenter

    If you want to see feathers fly, ask them if they'd prefer you got rid of it and waited to try again once married.
  14. wordsworth

    wordsworth Senior commenter

    I don't think they realise how powerful you now are, OP. You are expecting their grandchild and you live with their son, if they upset you, you could remove these two people from their lives. They are risking two precious relationships - what fools they are. It reflects well on you that you are seeking rapprochement, but never forget that you hold all the cards. Congratulations on your news.
  15. emilystrange

    emilystrange Star commenter

    well, they can stuff themselves, can't they?

    how is your boyfriend feeling about both the rejection and you being called a tramp?

    congratulations. it's the baby that matters.
  16. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    and again
    (sorry for the omission first time round, I was distracted by the text)
  17. clear_air

    clear_air New commenter

    Families, eh?! They may, or may not get over it. If they are nearby, and you intend to carry on working, you may well need them, so I'd keep shtum, and keep smiling (!). The in-law relationship is a complicated one, and gets even more so when the grandchildren arrive....experience shows that speaking your mind and having a big ole barney rarely does anyone any good, and never makes a blind bit of difference... I'd also counsel you to be sensitive towards your boyf in this too - they are his mum and dad, after all, even if you don't like them.
    (and experience shows that it can be anything, not just religious/marriage ishoos, that can strain the mother-in-law/carrier of son-and-heir relationship - you've got a long time of getting it wrong in front of you!!) [​IMG]
    Anyway, what's wrong with being a Mr and Mrs?? Standing up in public and saying how much you love each other is a good thing! Especially when there is a little one involved? Just trying to be balanced...
  18. jubilee

    jubilee Star commenter

    My mother fell to the floor, beating the carpet with her hands and wailing "What have I done wrong!" when one of my sisters announced her pregnancy, outside marriage, when she (my sister) was 36.
    Mommy Dearest then did the silent treatment for months when in my sister's company.
    She seemed happy enough when the baby was born but has not exactly been a doting grandma since. My sister became pregnant again and married part way through that pregnancy (not in a church) . My mother is no closer to the second child and is very critical of my sister, even when sister is helping her out (doing household tasks for her now she's in her 80s).
    Basically, devout Catholics of my mother's ilk will always see a female who was not a virgin before marriage as'soiled goods'.
    My uncle married ina methodist church as his wife was a church-goer and my mother spent our childhood telling us that our cousins were still ba$tards as the RC church didn't recognise the marriage.
  19. emilystrange

    emilystrange Star commenter

  20. And people wonder what I object to about religion........

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