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Well I just got that wrong...

Discussion in 'Personal' started by NellyFUF, Jul 21, 2011.

  1. NellyFUF

    NellyFUF Lead commenter

    Now then, they have been courting since they were 17, often round our 'ouse and us wondering how it would end.
    Now at 20 after a year living together (I pay for that strangely enough) , she being thinking to part with him, him not hearing what she says.... much weeping in the small hours...
    My advice. Move back home and have a year apart. See what happens.
    Bear in mind he is a lovely boy and he will mayhap find another girl he can like as much as he likes you and will be satisfied, because some males are just glad to have someone to come home to...
    And that has annoyed her.
    Apparently that was the wrong thing to say.
    OK he is not a macho male. He is sweet and kind and can cook really well, and is dead clever also. And loves her. And is drop dead georgeous. But apart from that I am not biased. He is not that tall and his family have financial problems. But I think they are good for each other. But what would I know.
  2. Just steer clear. Teenagers and relationships, it's never good to be within 50 kms.

    cyolba, thinking of tellinh Nelly to get kids to pay their own way in life :)
  3. NellyFUF

    NellyFUF Lead commenter

    While they are at Uni it has become our tradition to pay for their accomodation.
    Bf pays his own way, part time job.

  4. NellyFUF

    NellyFUF Lead commenter

    I think he is a nice BF. Fine by me.
    I think she can do what she needs to do. Fine by me.
    But I cannot synpathise.
    He goes or he stays. Ending a relationship is not my field of expertise. I was just glad someone would have me.
  5. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    you r young daughter probabally doesnt want sweet and nice...seemingly young woman like men roughmscruffy and ar*eholes...then they learn when itto late and the sensible ones have baggesed them.
    Such is life,,,,,,,,,,i was that young man and now im old woman like me.but to late.ive been baggesed! lol

  6. Wrong thing to say.
    My mum absolutely detested the way my ex treated me and my dad wanted to throttle him numerous times. But they stayed well out of it and I am incredibly grateful for them keeping their opinions to themselves for those 5 years!
  7. That is a huge generalisation.
    She may see a different side to her boyfriend than Nelly does.
    She may just have grown out of the relationship.
    She may just want to have some fun before settling down too early.
    There is nothing at all to suggest that she wants a rough and scruffy ar.sehole.
    Perhaps - hey here is a shocker - she doesn't want a boyfriend at all at the moment?
    I would keep out of it Nelly - offer an ear if one is needed and let them sort it out themselves.

  8. I think oldsomeman has something there.
    When it's someone else, we can all sincerely advise Gabriel Oake, or even Farmer Boldwood if financial security matters.
    But when it's ourselves, most of us find it hard to resist the Captain Troys of this world.

    ROSIEGIRL Senior commenter

    Whatever you say will be the wrong thing!
    Stand back, put the kettle on and stock up on tissues.
  10. jubilee

    jubilee Star commenter

    Gabriel Oake appealed to me from the get-go. I studied Far From The Madding Crowd for O level in 1970.
  11. littlemissraw

    littlemissraw Occasional commenter

    People only learn from their own mistakes. All you can do is be a shoulder to cry on. X
  12. NellyFUF

    NellyFUF Lead commenter

    I have big shoulders, that is a given.
    However, somewhere in my old fashioned mind i do think that if you give yourself, you do it for life, not just until they get on your nerves.
    Otherwise I would not put up with him indoors!
    Just because they began at 17 does not mean they can avoid the rules.
    I put up with having boyfriend living at my house for at least a year if not more and it was not on the condition that he could be fired at will.
    And if she storms out of the room just because I suggest that he can find someone else then that suggests they are not "over".
    She's a gorgeous girl, not like her mum, and brainy too, not like her mum, but still, you get a mate and it has to be forever like, not just until they hit a bad patch.
    That is two of my daughters that have relationships but not a ring. Damn it, it's genetic....

    ROSIEGIRL Senior commenter

    What are 'the rules'?
  14. NellyFUF

    NellyFUF Lead commenter

    The rules oh I dunno
    like along the lines of to have and to hold summat like that..
    Or maybe until they get on your nerves
    I am old fashioned as I say.
    Dumping because male is too clingy does not seem the way forward.
  15. lrw22

    lrw22 Occasional commenter

    I fancied Gabriel Oake from the very first page of that book. Captain Troy never appealed to me.
  16. She is 20 years old. Not married. No kids.
    Were you never in love and then fell out of love?
    It happens.
    It would be a definite reason for me to dump. Sorry.
  17. mandala1

    mandala1 Occasional commenter

    They need to figure stuff out for themselves.
    well quite! Not your relationship, not your life.
  18. But Nelly, dumping him for WHATEVER reason, because the relationship doesn't feel right or good anymore IS the sensible way forward.
    If she were married to him I'd say go for counselling, talk, try to work things out if possible (but even then, it wouldn't be my business.)
    They are a young couple and young love, especially long term (and three years in your teens IS long term!) is special. However, at that age, we grow, our eyes are opened by other things, people and experiences and sometimes we doubt what we have.
    Why plod on if it isn't working?
    The opposite happened here. My lovely daughter was going out with a gorgeous, kind, athletic, handsome, fairly shy young man - they began dating at 17. He was part of the family (although he lived with his parents but stayed over lots) and I was VERY fond of him. he did absolutely nothing wrong when my daughter dumped him five years down the line.. I cried my eyes out because I felt I was losing him too. He'd become part of our lives over five years and really didn't deserve the hurt. I hurt for him too! I felt his pain.
    Daughter was in tears, for a whole week and had plucked up enormous courage to do it - because she had fallen in love with someone at work...way before she dumped him. It was the hardest thing she had had to do in her young life I think and it hurt her too. She and her 'new' man (they have been together since 2006) are well suited actually and have set up home together - they are probably better suited than she was with her shy ex.
    Your daughter may be crying for similar reasons. It hurts to move on sometimes, but why would we want to stay in a rut of our own making if we were free to change things?
    We are onlookers. As someone said, all we can offer really is a shoulder to cry on. It's not our place to interfere. I hope you and your daughter are able to talk things through at some point, but as a young adult, her relationships and the heart-aches and dilemmas they cause, really are HER business.
  19. clear_air

    clear_air New commenter

    Don't mean to be rude - but if you didn't like him virtually living in your house, why did you let him?
    It sounds to me as if you feel that living/sleeping with each other is a very serious step, akin to marriage, and that you are shocked/disappointed that your daughter doesn't? Am I reading you right?
  20. NellyFUF

    NellyFUF Lead commenter

    Thanks Arched eyebrow, that all rings true.
    He is a lovely boy and has been part of our family. This makes it all a lot more awkward if they decide to part. Lots of jamming music sessions and shared meals.
    And yes they have been publically committed to each other and drawn lots of strength and comfort from their relationship, both of them, doubly awkward to then part.
    Yes I will butt out of it and if possible not interfere. And yes us mums get to pick up the pieces and also put up with the debris flying around.
    It would make my life a lot more simple if they just carried on and were happy. I can well cope with that!
    I always thought they were too young to pair up. Thanks for the input/ range of views.


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