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wedding low

Discussion in 'Personal' started by hayleyanne2003, Aug 15, 2011.

  1. Hello all, Need some objective advice please, sorry to bore you tho but have noone else to ask. Its a massive story but basically in short... I ahve just got married and have been with bf for 10 years. We have always had, what I thought to be, a great relationship. There is history in his family of depression and he had a funny turn a couple of years ago suffring with anxiety, panic attacks and depression due to stress at work. For the 18 months he didnt work and I paid for the mortgage and everything, and we struggled through.

    Anyway he got better and he said he wants to go back to the job that made him ill, which I wasnt happy about, we got married and he told me whilst on honeymoon that I caused his anixety and it was my fault his recovery was so slow because I was against anti-depresents for a while! He resents me for this and saidthe reason he booked the wedding was because he was on tablets and wasnt in control of his actions.

    My dilemia is what do i do? He is acting like everything is fine but I feel heartbroken cos I stood by him and helped him through! he said our relationship will work as long as I just acept what he has said and that he is going back to the job. help? xxx
     
  2. Hello all, Need some objective advice please, sorry to bore you tho but have noone else to ask. Its a massive story but basically in short... I ahve just got married and have been with bf for 10 years. We have always had, what I thought to be, a great relationship. There is history in his family of depression and he had a funny turn a couple of years ago suffring with anxiety, panic attacks and depression due to stress at work. For the 18 months he didnt work and I paid for the mortgage and everything, and we struggled through.

    Anyway he got better and he said he wants to go back to the job that made him ill, which I wasnt happy about, we got married and he told me whilst on honeymoon that I caused his anixety and it was my fault his recovery was so slow because I was against anti-depresents for a while! He resents me for this and saidthe reason he booked the wedding was because he was on tablets and wasnt in control of his actions.

    My dilemia is what do i do? He is acting like everything is fine but I feel heartbroken cos I stood by him and helped him through! he said our relationship will work as long as I just acept what he has said and that he is going back to the job. help? xxx
     
  3. harsh-but-fair

    harsh-but-fair Lead commenter

    Welcome back to TES, hayleyanne
     
  4. hello.......ive been around but with the house mov, wedding and baby its been manic!

     
  5. I hope I'm not going to offend you, but I shall be pretty blunt here.
    The way your husband has spoken to you is unkind, verging on spiteful.
    He has a mental health problem. This, by definition, is going to make him feel angry, resentful, aggresive, etc at times. He has to deal with these feelings without taking them out on you.
    You have been doing your absolute best to support him. Of course you are not going to get everything 100% right, every time, I am assuming you are human like the rest of us? it sounds to me like you have done a brilliant job.
    Verbal abuse/emotional manipulation is totally unacceptable. If this becomes part of the pattern of your life you are setting yourself and your family up for a miserable future. You already say you feel "heartbroken" about what he has said, while he, having had his little tantrum, is just swimming along quite happily, regardless of how he has made you feel.
    Your mental health matters too. You must make sure you treat your own mental health as a priority, and that your husband does too. This has to be discussed, ground rules have to be agreed.
    Really hope everything works out for you
     
  6. NellyFUF

    NellyFUF Lead commenter

    He married you because he was on tablets?
    He is a rat.
     
  7. learningyoghurt

    learningyoghurt New commenter

    Sounds to me like he's dodging taking responsibility for his actions. You offered your opinion about the tablets, he decided to delay taking them. You're not his puppet master. Or an omniscient God. And what's 'not in control of his actions'? I'm sorry, and I've never been on antidepressants so I don't know for sure, but if they're able to force someone into doing something HUGE like getting married against their will then frankly they're dangerous and should be taken off the market.
    Likewise, though, you can't make his decision about his job for him, he has to come to his own conclusions about that one - all you can do is offer your opinion about it. Although if he's going to beat you around the head with it then I'd personally be tempted to offer no opinion at all.
    It seems a little bit as though he's trying to avoid facing some realities about himself - why should he, when he can palm anything uncomfortable or difficult off onto your head? He is responsible for his actions. The minute you start accepting responsibility for him you're in trouble, because actually you can't control him at all.

    That's all very glib and easy to say - I was in a relationship with someone who had MH difficulties for a while and while they lasted it was horrible and I couldn't win, everything was my fault and no matter what I did it was wrong. That's the tragedy of some illnesses, I think. However, if you allow it to happen then really all you're doing is facilitating an unrealistic and unreasonable view of the world and in the long-run it doesn't help. You are NOT helping him if you let him think that saying cruel and hurtful things is an okay way to treat your wife and mother of your child, and you are NOT helping him if you absolve him from any of his decisions that might not have been 100% right.
    Sympathy, sounds like a horrible situation [​IMG]
     
  8. DaisysLot

    DaisysLot Senior commenter

    I agree with crabapple..... I fear that long term this kind of emotional abuse will, if not nipped in the bud, result if your mental health suffering too.... Sympathetic as I am to depression, depressive illness can be quite viral like that on those who live in close contact with suffers who have yet to come to terms with the concept of managing it themselves.
     
  9. thank you allso much for you replies. TBH I was really scared to read them cos I was sure you would all say 'well actually he is right and it is all my fault'. We had another chat today and he doesnt get how the things he has said have hurt me so much and your right he is still going about as if lifes great!
    Im not trying to paint him as a bad person and Im sure ive made mistakes when trying to help him but all ive tried to be is there for him!
    I havnt told my family whats going on, I feel a little ashamed by it all. This should be the happiest time of our lives yet i cant stop crying and the honeymoon was pretty awful....

    the question is do i stay and carry on or just go!

    Thanks again xx
     
  10. he also said.... 'so what you paid for the mortgage and stuff for a year, u didnt lose anything did ya, you still have the house'! He just disregards it like it was my duty to stand by him! I love him very much but if he resents me so much then Im not sure this relationship is going to work. Just wished he said all of this before we got married. I said that to him and his reply was 'if i said that then you wouldnt have married me'!

     
  11. Hi. You have my sympathy, for what it's worth. I have experienced something similar and would say you need to think long and hard about this. Others are right, this is not an acceptable way to be treated and just because he has MH issues does not been he is absolved of all blame and everything is your fault. At the very least I would suggest couples counselling to help you both through this. Whatever you do, don't just put up with it and shut up- you will not be happy in the long run and he will think he can get away with it. If you want to chat PM me! X
     
  12. He has treated you awfully. It reminds me of what happened with my aunt-she got married to a man who also very possibly has mental health issues and their honeymoon was on a cruise ship. As soon as they had boarded the ship, he turned to her and said, "I've made the biggest mistake of my life marrying you!" They got divorced after 12 months. I agree with the others-while mental health problems are very hard for the person who has them to cope with, it doesn't mean he has the right to treat you like he has done. I hope you manage to get this sorted soon.
     
  13. its kind of reassuring that others have experienced similar, only becos that means that im not going mad and this is an issue! Its sad tho cos we are both only 27, and should have a long and happy life togetehr to be looking forward to! the advice you have all given has really helped me to get things into perspective in my mind......thank you all xx[​IMG]
     
  14. You need to separate his vileness from the mental illness. It sounds very much to me like he is using it as an excuse to use you as his emotional punchbag. Someone who loved and respected you would not say the things that he is saying.
     
  15. He is acting like a vile bully, and on no account should you put up with it- he is crushing you and on no account is MH an excuse.
    Anti-depressants making him marry you? What rubbish, emotional abuse plain and simple. I felt more in control when on antidepressants..

    Staying with someone with depression is hard work, every day I am thankful my husband stuck with me, it must have been damn hard- he was so good, your husband should appreciate how hard it has been for you as well.
     
  16. I agree with this completely. It was when I wasn't on ADs that I did completely irrational stupid things.
     
  17. You say you've just got married.
    Is the baby his and if so did he say anything about only wanting it because he was on tablets?
     

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