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Warning About Children

Discussion in 'Personal' started by dolly3900, Jul 11, 2011.

  1. For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
    For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
    For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
    For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
    A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4
    inches deep.
    If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
    blades, they can ignite.
    A 3 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
    If you hook a dog lead over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
    enough to rotate a 3 stone boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman
    cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint
    on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
    You should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan is on.
    When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before
    you get a hit.
    A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long way.
    The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a cricket ball hit by a
    ceiling fan.
    When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
    A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
    Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year old.
    Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
    Super glue is forever.
    No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
    Pool filters do not like Jelly.
    VCR's do not eject jam sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
    Bin bags do not make good parachutes.
    Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.
    You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
    Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
    Plastic toys do not like ovens.
    The fire department in Ceredigion has a 5 minute response time.
    The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
    It will, however, make cats dizzy.
    Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

    The mind is like a parachute...it only works when it is open!

    Something to make you smile at the end
  2. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

  3. At age 4, success is... not p***ing in your pants.
    At age 12, success is... having friends.
    At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
    At age 20, success is... having sex.
    At age 35, success is... having money.
    At age 50, success is... having money.
    At age 60, success is... having sex.
    At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
    At age 75, success is... having friends.
    At age 80, success is... not p***ing in your pants.
  4. Pre-Parenting Qualification Test
    Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
    1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a 60-pound beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out only 10% of the beans.
    Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the
    contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the very last time.
    2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
    3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room
    from 5pm to 10pm carrying a soggy bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Set the alarm for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2.45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Set the alarm for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
    4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter on the sofa and jam on the drapes. Hide a small fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

    5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy an
    octopus and a drawstring bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
    6. Get a corrugated egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube. Using
    only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
    7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter and stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down into the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There... perfect.
    8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front walkway. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the street for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbour come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
    9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
    10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
    11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy corn flakes and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue, until half the corn flakes are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
    12. Learn the names of every character from Barney, all the Sesame Street gang and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "Barney's Theme Song" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
  5. Lol! If only I'd known all that fourteen years ago! I'd do it all again though [​IMG]

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