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Using the facilities at work.

Discussion in 'Personal' started by jacob, Jan 26, 2016.

  1. jacob

    jacob Lead commenter

    Today I had to use the facilities at work. I am very regular and had been this morning, but this was a top-up poo, or poo number 2. I hate going at work for various reasons. Normally I like it to be a “surgical strike” like these bombing missions you see against ISIS. Get in, line it up, get out. From the feel of what was loaded into the bomb bay it was going to be a “bunker buster” anyway. But the College bogs are horrible. A nasty enclosed space, no windows, no proper ventilation and some weird thing that goes bleep and delivers a microscopic quantity of some fragrant pong every now and then that cannot cut through the accumulated fug of several peoples bombing runs. So, desperate as I was I had to go. I had thought I was going to get away with it as I had been letting out some in gaseous form and nobody in the staffroom had actually keeled over asking for oxygen, but no, it was time for the bombing mission. So what do I find to set things going? A floater, eeuw! Flush that then stuff some paper down to alleviate splashback, and would you know it, instead of a surgical delivery like those old films of U-boats launching a torpedo (turdpedo) its a Klingon! I then had to use about 200 metres of the rubbish bog roll they supply which is in pieces far too long, but not wide enough. This requires origami skills to fold and tuck such that it should not be possible to defile one’s hand, but it takes work. Then, of course, the bog is blocked when I flush, with the water ominously rising towards the lip as the water goes in, but luckily a second flush sent it all on its way for processing where I hope enough methane can be generated to run the National Grid for a couple of hours. Then there is the debacle of trying to wash hands. Two of those stupid spring loaded push down taps, one freezing, one scalding, no plug. Run the water and try to build up enough in the sink as it gurgles away to wash hands with the addition of some foamy stuff out of a squirty thing. Three goes at rinsing because the foam seems to not mix with water. Then the useless hand drier thing that screams so loud you can hear it three corridors away but delivers air like an asthmatic vole and keeps cutting off unless you jiggle your hands like a mime artist on speed.

    Apart from this it wasn’t such a bad day at work.
  2. Flere-Imsaho

    Flere-Imsaho Star commenter

    To be really effective you should contrast this with your experience of using the facilities at home.
    ScotSEN and sabrinakat like this.
  3. lanokia

    lanokia Star commenter

    Work is best... s*it on their time and their dime!

    Saves on loo paper too.
    ScotSEN, racroesus and sabrinakat like this.
  4. InkyP

    InkyP Star commenter

    Thanks for that! ;)
    ScotSEN and jomaimai like this.
  5. monicabilongame

    monicabilongame Star commenter

    That had me laughing. Thanks @jacob
    dljames2013 and ScotSEN like this.
  6. lmnop

    lmnop Occasional commenter

    Not to mention the utter shame felt as a male teacher leaving the toilet to find a queue of female colleagues waiting to go in after you.
    oldsomeman and lanokia like this.
  7. Jolly_Roger1

    Jolly_Roger1 Star commenter

    @jacob: You have my sympathies. For all the money spent on tarting and glitzing up my old school, when it became an academy, none of it was spared to improve staff lavatory facilities I shouldn't think that either the ladies or the gents has had more than paint slapped on the wall since the core of the old school was built, in the Thirties. The sanitary ware is so old that younger members of staff have never been confronted with a high-rise cistern and a pendant chain. Of the two cubicles in the gents, one was best avoided as the seat only loosely attached to the pan, causing the sitter to experience unexpected gyrations, often ending up riding side-saddle. Due to the unreliable supply of lavatory paper, you needed to carry a roll around in your bag.

    Congratulations on 'silently letting one go'. Once, I tried the same thing while sitting right in the corner of the staff room, not knowing the baleful effect on the pungency of my flatus of the antibiotics I was taking. Given my location, there was no chance of 'plausible deniability'. I didn't know how bad it was until I heard some exclaim, "Jesus!", when he was still a good ten yards away.
    knitone, oldsomeman and jomaimai like this.
  8. Jolly_Roger1

    Jolly_Roger1 Star commenter

    If you were sitting on the 'throne', waiting for your muse to alight, you could pass the time by exploring the 'vertical stratigraphy' of the cubicle walls by chipping off the layers of peeling paint. There was a competition to see who could find the most different colours.
  9. Dunteachin

    Dunteachin Star commenter

    I knew, just knew, before I clicked on the thread that it would be scatalogical in content. I shouldn't have opened it because I'd just eaten.:confused:
  10. Lascarina

    Lascarina Star commenter

  11. racroesus

    racroesus Star commenter

    About time we had a thread getting back to basics.
  12. colpee

    colpee Star commenter

    At least you didn't fall victim to the ultimate male toilet terror -the splashback!
    racroesus likes this.
  13. Camokidmommy

    Camokidmommy Established commenter

    I always think of my poor OH when I go at work, as he works at the sewage works not too far from school. I like to think of it as keeping his working day busy! :eek:
    racroesus likes this.
  14. aspensquiver_2

    aspensquiver_2 Senior commenter

    Facilities?! How very coy. Haha
  15. aspensquiver_2

    aspensquiver_2 Senior commenter

    Didn't read the OP.
    knitone likes this.
  16. jacob

    jacob Lead commenter

    Too delicate for your sensibilities, hen? Even the queen poops. Hence the term Royal flush.
  17. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    Something I've noticed since visiting numerous primary schools is the extra privileges granted to male staff. Not only is rapid promotion on the cards for many, but they get bigger toilets, as more often than not they have to use the disabled loo.

    I was in one in a very diverse urban area the other day that had obviously received a pile of pupil premium money - their loos were better than those of most hotels I've been in, and with it being primary I reckon I was among the first ten males to have ever used it. They were probably still on their first loo roll, unless jacob had been in there.
  18. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    and no air freshener to cover your tracks:(
  19. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    in one school you needed an access code to get in the loo.imagine you have to go asking for the number and all those around are females, as it mainly is in a Primary.
  20. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    Not sure about Men get the best.Usually those I go into are store cupboards,cleaners cleaning material,pe kit hung up and often other items.I once found a whole series of science textbooks in one along with science practical materials or the models for a show that was being got ready.......or you have loos side by side where you can hear folks urinating and getting rid of excess wind

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