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Unplanned pregnancy

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by rainydays2, Aug 29, 2011.

  1. I don't know how to explain this.
    Six years ago when I was 30 and we were expecting our first, I had a full time job in a school a good 45 minutes drive away, which just about killed me even before having a baby. We'd bought a beautiful home we loved with a large mortgage. My subject was a shortage and was in demand.
    Then we decided to have a second. I just have to stress, I love my second daughter more than I can explain here, but her arrival really put a huge strain on us (through no fault of her own) as she was born very early and was in SCBU for some time. Our first daughter wasn't quite two. I was in a constant state of anxiety even after she came out of hospital and decided after talking to my husband to give up work and be a full time mum for a while. We could manage on one salary although money would be tight, and I planned to go back when our youngest was at school.
    In that time, my subject went from one where teachers were urgently needed to one with a huge surplus of teachers, also coinciding with school closures in the area and merging with other schools to become academies. Living with next to no money was stressful and miserable for us both, I tried to find another post but couldn't. I ended up taking a job in Asda at evenings and weekends which has helped our finances but not our marriage, time together is rare. Our youngest starts school next September and I've just found I'm pregnant. It wasn't planned. Not keeping it isn't really an option but I don't feel happy or excited, just miserable. I feel so sorry for this poor baby. How will I cope?
     
  2. Some years ago an aquaintance of mine told me she was pregnant. She had only just found out, and bumped into me on the way home from the GP. She hadn't even told her family yet. She was distraught, and said she was telling me because she was so tempted just to sneak back to the gp and arrange an abortion, and she thought telling me would make it impossible to surcome to this temptation secretly.
    Like you she had 2 daughters, and her husband was the main wage earner, and they were struggling financially.
    We were not close friends, and I didn't see her again for over 5 years, then bumped into her recently. She has a delightful 5 year old son, who is adored by his sisters and I'm not even sure if she remembers how gutted she was on that day.
    it hasn't been easy for them, but in the end they are only babies for such a short time, and once theyare at school finances get easier.
    I know she couldn't imagine being without her sone now.
    Hope things work out as happily for you
     
  3. Might I respectfully suggest that after the birth of this baby you or your husband are permanently sterilised?
    There's no point in going over what you might have done differently. Overstretching yourself with a ridiculous mortgage when there are so many things that can affect your ability to repay is commonplace. I did it myself. There's no point in selling your house and moving somewhere cheaper at the bottom of the market. If you absolutely must have a teaching salary then you could consider relocating. Time together is rare for most couples with small children and two jobs and it's up to you and your husband to make the best of a difficult period.
    Otherwise you'll just have to suck it up and get on with it like you did last time. You survived being broke and doing a rubbish job before (as I did) and you'll do it again. Over a whole lifetime it's just a few years.
     
  4. Thank you for such supportive replies, I do appreciate them.
    I imagine I will be the same as the first poster's partner, I know we will adore the baby when he or she gets here but it is just worries keep creeping up on me. Financial, but also emotional - I had an awful pregnancy with our second daughter and am terrified of leaving three children without a mother, or losing the baby.
    Lily, you're absolutely right and it was certainly something we were considering - ironically, we couldn't afford it (in terms of time away from work!)
    The mortgage is afforable on my husband's salary as are basic living expenses. It's a worry though as our CB will stop in 2013 (I think) which will make a difference. We also want to put money aside for our children's future but we are struggling with the present! If we moved so I could find a job, my husband would struggle (aside from the disruption to the girls.) I feel stupid, I feel as if unplanned pregnancies that aren't really affordable are for teenage girls, not professional couples in their 30s.
    Thank you again, it helps to talk.
     
  5. My husband had an NHS vasectomy on Friday, went to watch Man Utd on Saturday (unwise in retrospect [​IMG]) and was back at work on Monday. One day off.
    Tell your husband to look sharp or I'll be round there to do it myself with a couple of bricks.
     
  6. AND we'd all like to put money away for our kids but here and now is more important than some uncertain future. We didn't save a penny for ours and were still able to help them out with deposits and University because our circumstances improved, as most people's do, in the intervening years. Stop worrying!
     
  7. I feel like I have to say something even though I wasn't exactly in the same position as you. Both my children were planned but I did decide to leave work and manage on one salary. I really wanted to be with them 24/7. It is many years ago now. My daughters are 18 and 22. It was very hard managing to cope on the one salary. I remember waiting for the child allowance each week. Knitting toys and making things for Christmas and generally living very frugally. In a lot of ways I saw it as a challenge and at times I enjoyed it. I too worried about how we would pay for university etc. Anyway obviously the children grew and went to school and I started working. My husband is now earning a lot more money and things are very comfortable. When I look back it was a lovely time in our lives the children appreciated things so much more. I spent lots of time with them, making things, cooking, baking. All these things I wouldn't have had time to do had I been working. I wouldn't change things for the world and I know you will look back in years to come and will appreciate the time you have had with your children and be proud of how you coped. I sometimes think that people nowadays want absolutely everything all at once. Society has made it that way. You will cope and you will have easier times in the future but try and enjoy these times too. Take care xx
     
  8. The more people I talk to about this the more common I find it. I am 26 weeks with my first child (bloke has had a tough time coming to terms with things so currently not together and things are uncertain about the future). I was using contraception and I still got pregnant, I sometimes think that sperm are like guided missiles (even worse for my sins I teach science so I had better stop peddling the myth that contraception is 100% effective!). My friend was on the injection and using condoms and has an 11 year old. These things happen, the only surefire way of not getting pregnant is abstinence or sterilisation. My mum was sterilised many years back and found it hassle free, short day case op done with camera and she has 2 tiny scars (about 2cm).
    As far as money goes, babies don't notice what they are wearing etc, 2nd hand is just fine (all of my stuff is coming 2nd hand, cot, pushchair etc). Have you considered private tuition? I charge £30 an hour which really helps and it's easy work, the kids are keen (I mainly do A-level chemistry) and it['s pretty flexible.
    Every pregnancy is different so please don't fret that you will suffer. Just look after yourself and your kids and see how you go.
    My parents put very little away for us when we were kids, they were too busy working to put food on the table and pay the bills. We're no worse off for it and we're both successful, resourceful adults. I stilll went to university and did well in life. Don't panic.
     
  9. Doitforfree

    Doitforfree Lead commenter

    We had a semi-planned fourth child a long time after our others. At the moment my friends from when the big ones were little are all working full time and have much more money than we have. But then I look at my son and all the joy he had brought us and I wouldn't want it any other way. It is hard when you haven't got a lot but I feel much sorrier for the people without children than I do envious of the rich ones with just a couple.
    And everyone is right, you do usually end up with more money later on and things work themselves out as long as you've got enough to manage with.
     
  10. I felt exactly the same when I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter. I cried and cried and despite being very anti-abortion (for myself, not for others) I actively considered it for a while, spinning between keeping and not keeping. It was sheer agony.
    I am so happy that I decided to go on and have my daughter, she is a constant delight (well, almost!) and I can't believe that I considered not having her, although I understand why I had to consider both options.
    Anyway, my heart goes out to you. I think a lack of happiness at a time which 'should' be happy feels twice as bad. I'm sure that you will go on to be happy, remember to talk to people and not bottle things up. Hopefully you can see from here that people won't condemn you for not jumping for joy at the moment.
    All best wishes xxxx
     

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