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Try for a family as a trainee or nqt?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Msn101, Jan 31, 2019.

  1. Msn101

    Msn101 New commenter

    hi all, I’m currently a trainee teacher doing my first year of BA primary Ed. I was diagnosed with 2 separate medical issues meaning it’s likely I’m infertile. I was told by my doctors to try for a family as soon as possible if I want to have any chance of having a family (I was 16!) I’ve held it off until now (I’m 20) but I’ve exhausted all treatment options, and it’s getting worse.

    I honestly don’t know what to do and it’s getting me so down. Do I try for a baby now, meaning I have a baby at uni (this is assuming I can have one) but deal with the stress of trying to navigate a full time course or decide whether to defer a year, or wait until I’m in my third year and let it run into my nqt year. Obviously the later I leave it the lower my chances are as this disease is constantly spreading. I’ve always wanted my own children, but I really worry that the work load will be too much and I’ll give up, which I really really don’t want to do.

    I have a boyfriend who is a teacher and can help me financially, my parents who have known I would be trying for a family Young have offered to support me, but I don’t know what to do and I am so torn, any advice would be so so appreciated.
    Thank you
  2. les25paul

    les25paul Star commenter

    Don't put off having a life for the sake of whats just a job.
  3. Lalad

    Lalad Star commenter

    It's a no-brainer. Try for a baby now, before it's too late.
    mothorchid, Msn101 and agathamorse like this.
  4. InkyP

    InkyP Star commenter

    It's do-able. My daughter took a year out to have twins. You can finish your degree any time.
    Msn101 and agathamorse like this.
  5. Pageant

    Pageant Occasional commenter

    Years ago when I was at teacher training college (I told you it was years ago) one of the students in my year was pregnant and had the baby. With the help of her family she managed though I'm sure it wasn't easy. By the time I had children I was lucky enough to be able to financially take time out which is rare these days.

    I always wanted children and had two. Our first child died age five from a very rare, genetic metabolic disease which was never actually named but we had a dire prognosis by the time she was two and I was seven months pregnant with our second child. Luckily our second child who could have also been affected, wasn't, but it took a year before we were sure - there were no tests or treatments available and may not be even now.

    My reason for telling you this is that the right to have children or even the ability is not a given. My mummy hormones raged until I was forty years old. Because of the faulty gene my husband and I passed on to our first child I decided not to risk the life of another child. The longing for another baby was terrible and only stopped when I reached forty. So my advice to you is:

    If you want a chance to have children as much as I did and there are people who are willing to support you including your parents and the father, go ahead. You can always go back to teaching later. I took eight years away from teaching because my first child became profoundly handicapped and then I wanted my second child to start school before I returned. As I say, I was lucky to be able to do that. I wish you the very best and hope you have a child one day.
  6. Msn101

    Msn101 New commenter

    I’m so sorry to hear about your firstborn:( thank you so much for your advice, I think reading the comments on here has put everything into perspective.
    Pageant and agathamorse like this.
  7. sockknittingtubes

    sockknittingtubes New commenter

  8. foxtail3

    foxtail3 Star commenter

    If you are able to have a child(ren) now and in the next few years, you will still have lots of working life to train as a teacher and work when they are older.

    You can train when you’re older, but you’ve been told you can’t leave it long to have children.
    Lalad, Msn101 and agathamorse like this.
  9. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    In a few years' time would you prefer to be spending the holidays with a family or with a pile of marking? If a child is what you want and you have a limited chance to achive that, put family first. You have endless options for earning money, and the rest of your working life to choose from them.
  10. Aquamarina1234

    Aquamarina1234 Star commenter

    All the above!
    Get conceiving!
  11. Vince_Ulam

    Vince_Ulam Star commenter

    Complete your education or have a child then, if you wish, do the other thing. For the next several years dedicate yourself to one or the other. Even with the support of your parents & your current boyfriend you will find yourself exhausted if you attempt to pursue both and your physical & mental health are vital whereas the other two things are mere goals.

    Good luck.
  12. racroesus

    racroesus Star commenter

    Get married and decide with your husband.
    border_walker likes this.
  13. curlcurlcurl

    curlcurlcurl Occasional commenter

    Are you in a relationship with someone who you would want to have children with at age 20 if you didn't have the disease that is causing the likely infertility? I don't mean this in a condescending way, but you also have to be certain that you're starting a family with the right person.

    That said, if you're sure that he is the right person then go for it. Getting pregnant isn't as easy as it's made out to be, you can work the finer details out when it all happens. It could take one month, it could take a year, it could take longer. No-one knows until you start trying, regardless of what doctors say. There are many a story where people are deemed to be infertile and then it happens quickly.

    If you're happy and ready then why not start trying? Don't feel you need to put your life on hold!

    Wishing you well.
    Lalad and Aquamarina1234 like this.
  14. Msn101

    Msn101 New commenter

    Even I we couldn’t have children I’d be happy with him:) you’re right, thank you
    Lalad, curlcurlcurl and Pageant like this.
  15. Msn101

    Msn101 New commenter

    Marriage isn’t a big deal for me I don’t think, maybe down the line, I’d like to save for a house first:)
    lilachardy likes this.
  16. Aquamarina1234

    Aquamarina1234 Star commenter

    Marriage is nothing now. The mortgage is the tie. I can't tell you how depressed money over emotion makes me but meh.
    If you think he's there for you, think really hard about what may or may not lie ahead, and decide if he's the person who will be of the same heart as you, whatever.
  17. racroesus

    racroesus Star commenter

    Easier to not be there at the crunch if there are no legal ties. Harder, I would imagine, if the father can stand aside but demand his say. A wedding doesn't have to be expensive.

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