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Time off after miscarriage

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by nawoods, Jan 4, 2011.

  1. nawoods

    nawoods New commenter

    I miscarried early December and was signed off work (about 8 days) until the holidays. Christmas was difficult but had lots to distract me. Now I feel reality has hit. I have been crying all morning and feel really low. Going to see the doctor this afternoon but not sure what they will do. I am due to go back to work tomorrow but at the moment cannot face it. I still feel an emotional wreck and don't want to break down in front of my class or staff. The problem is I will feel guilty if I have anymore time off. Should I still feel like this??
     
  2. nawoods

    nawoods New commenter

    I miscarried early December and was signed off work (about 8 days) until the holidays. Christmas was difficult but had lots to distract me. Now I feel reality has hit. I have been crying all morning and feel really low. Going to see the doctor this afternoon but not sure what they will do. I am due to go back to work tomorrow but at the moment cannot face it. I still feel an emotional wreck and don't want to break down in front of my class or staff. The problem is I will feel guilty if I have anymore time off. Should I still feel like this??
     
  3. You poor thing, can sympathise as have been there (many moons ago). If you are still feel weepy then you are clearly not ready to go back to work yet. You need to be kind to yourself and I don't hink you can underestimate the depth of emotions that can go with such an event.

    If you need more time off then I am sure your doctor would sign you off.
     
  4. How did you get on?
     
  5. gergil4

    gergil4 New commenter

    Hi
    I too have been there - a sh1tty place to be. I found the best medicine was to stay at home and cry. It worked for me, I felt NO guilt about being off. Would you mind if someone else was off for the same reason? If not then don't beat yourself up. If you don't take time out now, you may need more later.
    Take care
    xx
     
  6. I lost two pregnancies last year (second one was twins - I'd forgotten they ran in our family - eek!). First one I was ok with, second one just shredded me - first scan where things started not looking good was in August and I was still very very wobbly and just pretending to cope in December. It's taken me till now to finally claw myself back from the brink, and strangely - it was getting the dog that's been the cure I needed - just realised the other day that the pain isn't as bad anymore (plus it's impossible to come home sad when you're greeted with a completely bonkers display of bouncing, tail wagging and confronted with a ball to play fetch with).
    In short I guess what I'm saying is - there's no standard time and anyone who tells you "you should be over it by now" or any of the even more offensive phrases people come out with when they engage gob before engaging brain should be soundly slapped over the face with a wet bag of dog poo (joking before anyone takes offence). Some people bounce back and can get on with it, sometimes it does just absolutely steamroller over your entire soul - even within the same person, two different ones can make you react in two different ways.
    I also found it's not a nice neat progress curve to get over it - you can start to think the sun's coming out again... and then suddenly you find yourself crying yourself to sleep once more - and of course you've got the date 9 months down the line to get through as well (my first one is coming up, my second is the one I'm dreading since someone else will be having a baby right then). But sooner or later the balance starts to swing from the "**** days" to the "OK days" more and more and you realise that while your heart still aches for what you've lost - the searing pain is dulled and bearable.
    As for if people have issues with you being off... sod them. You're ill, you're going through what is, essentially, exactly the same stages of a grieving process that anyone who's lost anyone would do - because it's a less tangible loss to them, doesn't devalue what you've lost to you and your partner - so don't let it! I was utterly utterly unable to work for the first month, and very very much putting a brave face on it after that and surviving days rather than enjoying them (thankfully the summer holidays were around during the initial bits for me).
    And there's no shame in smiling through others' happy news then sneaking off to the staff loos for a quick cry. Long as you're not being homicial grouchbag over it all - you're allowed to hurt, and feeling jealous - blooming natural really, it's just handling it in the socially acceptable way that's the skill (my cat's heard more than once me venting off steam to her about how I really feel about stuff... cat's a lousy listener though so shoved her backside my face and then flounced off).
     
  7. nawoods

    nawoods New commenter

    Thanks for all the support. Doctor has signed me off for another week. They were really supportive. School has been great. I asked the deputy head to let the staff know why I am off. I'd rather be honest than try to make up some illness when i get asked what was wrong. I think it may help when I go back. At least everyone will hopefiully be more understanding.
    I am trying to be positive. 2010 was not a great year but I have my fingers crossed for 2011.
     
  8. I did the same as you nawoods and let my colleagues know what had happened. i really found it helped that people weren't expecting me to come bouncing into the staffroom as if i'd been off with a cold. It also gives them the chance to kind of think about how they will approach you. People were so lovely to me and, I'm not going to lie, it made me cry all over again! But in a 'God I'm glad to have a big hug, sympathetic smile and start to get on with things again' kind of way.
    I totally agree with Mister Flibble (Hi by the way. Your dog sounds like a great tonic!) in that sometimes when you are feeling a bit brighter, you suddenly have wobbly moment/hour. So don't worry about that, it doesn't mean you have to start getting over it all over again. it is just a blip.
    All the best nawoods. You are doing really well by the sound of things. x
     
  9. Glad you're taking some time off- don't rush yourself. It is a big thing to come to terms with, and will have a life-long impact on you- so be kind to yourself and only go back when you are ready.... No need for guilt, you need this time
     
  10. Glad work have been understanding for you and yes, I've never made any secrets of when I was going through mine - more than anything else it does minimize the explanation factor when you go back (a nursery kid giving me a big hug can make me wobble for a few moments and things like that).
    It gets easier - and yes, 2010 will go down for me as one of the most pants years ever - I don't think many people had a good 2010 though!
     

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