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Thinking of finishing the relationship

Discussion in 'Personal' started by thekillers1, Dec 28, 2018.

  1. thekillers1

    thekillers1 Lead commenter

    I’ve been with the wife for 5 years and, due to her medical condition, we cannot have children despite IVF x2. Adoption process is nearly completed but wife wants any child but I don’t want a child whose birth parent drank booze/consumed drugs whilst she was pregnant. Social services are pushy and said impossible to find a young child who hadn’t been exposed to this (don’t ask!). Wife hasn’t thought of the long term consequences. I’ve had enough and considered separating soon. Thoughts please x
    Vince_Ulam likes this.
  2. towncryer

    towncryer Lead commenter

    Whatever you do...please don't involve a child until you have sorted out your own problems.
    Be honest with your wife and put a halt to all adoption procedures. It would be cruel to carry on if you're not sure.
  3. monicabilongame

    monicabilongame Star commenter

    You asked for thoughts - these are mine.

    1. No child that needs adopting is likely to have an unblemished background, and the very fact that they are in the system points to parents who have put their child at risk through the sort of risky behaviour you outline.
    2. That background will not be the child's fault, and it does not mean they will automatically turn into their birth parents - although there may well be medical problems due to any substance abuse.
    3. If you feel you cannot offer the stable and secure home environment that a child needs then you'd be far better off not adopting. You do have to be a special kind of person to be able to adopt and take on that child and all its baggage. Maybe you are just not that person.
    4. When going through the adoption process, it's crucial that you and your wife are on the same page/have the same expectations. If you're not, then you both need to have some proper communication around your fears, hopes, expectations, and what you're willing to take on - and to proceed no further until you have.
    5. Has your wife had any counselling around being unable to conceive? Have you? Adoption is not a replacement for your own child; it's a thing in itself.
    6. There are no guarantees around having children. You have not said what your reservations actually are around whether the child's mother had any substance abuse before the birth. Health issues may be one factor; genetic predisposition may be another, but in my line of work I see many lovely, law-abiding, sober parents of children who are busy shooting up heroin, getting drunk, crashing from one disaster to another etc., and there is absolutely no obvious reason for it apart from the said parents doing their best to bring their kids up right. So background is not the whole picture of what makes a child grow up right.

    I think before you go any further you really need to talk to the SS, and your wife, and have some proper discussions. Will the SS let the adoption go ahead if you are not both onboard? Because it would be grossly unfair to a child already in need of stability and security to be adopted into a family where they weren't wanted and where there was already conflict around their existence.

    Talking of separating from your wife is running away from the problem. Or is it an attempt to 'make her see sense'?
  4. thekillers1

    thekillers1 Lead commenter

    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  5. thekillers1

    thekillers1 Lead commenter

    True but research Fatel Alcohol Syndrome.
  6. sunshineneeded

    sunshineneeded Star commenter

    I have nothing to add to the excellent advice from @monicabilongame. But, having a son who has adopted, I do know something about the process - before and after the event. Adoption is not a replacement for having your own child; it's completely different. For them (and our wonderful grandchild) it's been an amazing and life-enriching experience, but not without lots of bridges to cross along the way. You must both be totally committed to the plan. I think you need to halt the process for the moment and talk more with your wife, social services and possibly other parents who have adopted. Don't rush into any decisions. Good luck, whichever route you take.
    sabrinakat, nomad, Lucy2711 and 2 others like this.
  7. thekillers1

    thekillers1 Lead commenter

    Refreshing to learn about another teacher who has adopted. The process is intense and highly invasive. I’m having a chat with the misses when she’s on leave next week, so there’s little distraction and have further discussions on this topic. So refreshing to have met someone who also have adopted plus I’ve learnt about succcessful adoptions from friends of friends or coworkers’ friends or family. @sunshineneeded - could I PM you? Neither information about your son, nor elements of safeguarding will be discussed.
  8. Lalad

    Lalad Star commenter

    Social services are being disingenuous - of course it is possible to find children available for adoption whose mothers did not drink or take drugs while pregnant. However, there will also be many children whose mothers were exposed to physical or psychological violence or who experienced mental health problems during their pregnancies - how do you feel about taking on a child from these backgrounds?
    MAGAorMIGA and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  9. thekillers1

    thekillers1 Lead commenter

    Highly well actually
  10. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    You already have some excellent advice to which I can add very little.

    I will just say any child need as stable an upbringing as possible (appreciating monica's point that doesn't guarantee problem-free children) and please stop the adoption process now until you've sorted yourselves and had some really searching discussions.
  11. Lalad

    Lalad Star commenter

    In which case, social services know full well there are children who would fit your criteria. To have got this far in the adoptive process is no mean feat and shows a high level of commitment on the part of both of you, but you can't have a situation where one of you wants the other to take on a child you don't both feel you can handle.

    Is this the only reason you are thinking of ending your relationship? If there are no other problems, please don't let social services dictate your future together.
  12. lindenlea

    lindenlea Star commenter

    I'm very sorry to hear this @thekillers1 because I remember you've talked about the problems before and I get the impression you have tried hard. I can appreciate your reservations around the background of any adopted child and I think my husband would have felt the same and we wouldn't have done it. An ex colleague of mine was told it was likely that any child offered them would come from a background such as you describe but both him and his wife were up for it and went ahead. As far as I know it has been successful.
    Your wife needs to understand how you feel and perhaps she will be the one to say OK or perhaps she'll decide its time to split up and try again with someone else if she gets the chance. I think quite a high proportion of men might feel like you though. Are you really sure it's not something you would consider or is it just cold feet.
    When I was pregnant I used to lie awake thinking What the hell have I done!!! and we both really wanted children. We can all get scared of having a child.
  13. foxtail3

    foxtail3 Star commenter

    To be frank, I don’t think that adopting a child will glue your relationship together. Rather, it could tear you apart. You need to decide whether the two of you have a relationship first. Does she feel as uncertain about your marriage as you do,or would this be a total surprise?

    I’m concerned that you write that the adoption process is nearly completed. Please have some straightforward discussions before you finalise it.
  14. thekillers1

    thekillers1 Lead commenter

    So I’ve heard. Personally, I’ve met male heterosexual adopters and seem complete with their nuclear family.

    Choosing a child via the adoption process is difficult and, to a certain extent, make one feel inhuman. Also, I’m sick of hearing the same record: “It’s nice your giving a child a home” as if they’re a pet, whilst others are failing to understand that adoptive children have been removed from families with abusive backgrounds, eg not relinquished.

    A small number of teachers and staff have been quietly suppprtive whilst most seem to misunderstand or feel embarrassed by the adoption process, eg the ‘thank god it is not me having to endure this process’ look.
  15. thekillers1

    thekillers1 Lead commenter

    It’s the choice of child that we’re butting heads over rather than adopting itself; however, all points have been noted.
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  16. thekillers1

    thekillers1 Lead commenter

    It’s these stories that I’ve rarely met, yet social services have shown the doom and gloom so far in terms of adoption.
  17. thekillers1

    thekillers1 Lead commenter

    Thank you for stating the obvious.
  18. thekillers1

    thekillers1 Lead commenter

    I believe this is more likely to be the situation at the moment, yet I need to have a firm and frank discussion with the wife.
  19. thekillers1

    thekillers1 Lead commenter

    Thank you for everyone’s comments. I’ll be leaving the forum for now and return when the wife and I have discussed the concerns surrounding this issue. In the meantime, I would appreciate additional comments and suggestions to halt with politeness and respect please. Finally, hope everyone had a nice Xmas.
    lindenlea likes this.
  20. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    You stand a good chance of blowing out the wife if you come over as a demanding self-indulgent man whose concern is not the needs of you both, only your view!
    Since when did adoption concern only your opinions? Can you tell her what you want. My wife would give me divorce papers for showing the sheer selfishness you are indicating in your post.
    First and foremost Marriage is a partnership of 2 unequals. You marry for love and together face all that comes your way. In the discussions that follow, you win some and lose some..but you do hopefully discuss . not have a 'good telling' to of the partner.
    Children for adoption have often suffered a lot and do not need the control of having to conform to your wishes of avoiding this or that, including alcohol dependency of effect. They need love and security.
    Similar discussion entered our lives when I wanted to foster and the wife did not...but, in the end, we reached an agreed consensus even though my heart went out to such children in need. Yet it required open, honest and frank discussions to realise that it was not going to happen.
    Please, if you really fear for the future of the child then do not adopt as the future is one thing you cannot predict. Wanting a child is normal for most wives/couples but choosing a child based upon love is more important than based upon some fear of the future.

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