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Then he was gone...

Discussion in 'Personal' started by bigblueboo, Sep 29, 2018.

  1. bigblueboo

    bigblueboo New commenter

    Hi all,
    I’ve been with my other half 15 months, I have been separated two years and currently in the divorce process, my ex and I share a toddler. I’ve been very happy with my new partner, I suffered a lot of domestic abuse from my ex and I’m currently in counselling. This man helped to piece me back to life and I genuinely love him. He lives 50 miles away, which I’ve considered a good thing as I think sometimes in the beginnings of relationships you can get a big intense, I feel we’ve avoided that because of the distance. Anyway, from the beginning he’s always said he would want to move to Brighton (where I am) and we could start a life together. We’ve given it until January 2020 so we can both save, so people wouldn’t consider it ‘too soon’ and so I would be divorced by then. Anyway, the last few months he’s been very distant whenever I mention the move, he goes quiet and doesn’t really answer. I’ve questioned him directly a few times about if he’s changed his mind and he’s said no but it’s a big step leaving everything he knows having to get a new job etc. Things have been fine but I’ve had this niggly feeling in my gut. Anyway, we had a mini falling out about Christmas (where we’re spending, if he’s coming to me, am I going to his etc) anyway I ended up getting really upset and sending him a message at 4am asking him if our relationship was truly what he wanted or does he just go along with me not to rock the boat. To cut a long story short he essentially ran away to Wales. He just said ‘I’m riding to Wales, I would have gone to France but you’ve got my passport. My not dealing with the stress and anger from you’ I’m shocked. I didn’t think I was being angry towards him. I have a lot of issues due to my previous relationship which I am receiving counselling for. I’ve felt sick with worry all day. I’ve heard from him a few times (twice)and he’s told me he loves me and he’s ok. My initial reaction was to throw away everything he’s ever bought me, change my fb status etc (I know this is so dramatic!) I just feel really hurt that he wouldn’t speak to me and has chosen to run away. He’s done something similar once before when we had an argument back I. April about having future children, he literally just put his phone in his bag and wouldn’t talk to me for a day. If drove me mad. Maybe I expect too much, but we’re both in our mid 30s and being long distance communication is kind of key. Please just tell me I’m being a drama queen with some bad relationship experience and not that he’s gone for good. Thanks x
     
  2. Pageant

    Pageant Occasional commenter

    Speaking as someone who was in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship for far too many years and as a result of parental alienation lost my only child................

    If you've just come out of an abusive relationship you need time to find yourself first. IMHO and in my experience, two years is way too soon and risks ending up in an identical situation. If you're seeing red flags, take note because they are telling you something important.
     
  3. koopatroopa

    koopatroopa Senior commenter

    I think despite the distance, this is too much, too fast. Planning for 2020 is serious stuff.

    I've no idea if this is the end of your relationship. One way or another, I think you would do well to shelve the plans for 2020 and simply enjoy what you have for a while.

    I can see this from both sides. Your partner needs a bit of space (and has given you reassurance) but you want more communication and concrete action. I think you should talk to your counsellor about this too.

    Does your toddler still have contact with the abusive father? That must be a worry.
     
  4. mothorchid

    mothorchid Star commenter

    Apologies in advance.
    I'm going to sound quite rude, but really? The poor man needs space and you are behaving like a teenager. ("to throw away everything he’s ever bought me, change my fb status")
    I realise you have had a difficult relationship in the not too distant past and I applaud you for getting out of it and for taking the support offered through counselling.
    But this is not rational behaviour. A man in his mid-thirties has a well-established life 50 miles from you, and it will be a huge step for him to move (would you move to him?) No wonder he is struggling with it. You come across as very needy and (frankly) demanding.
    He has been in touch twice, you say, and yet you are wailing on here. You had an argument in April and he didn't answer the phone for A WHOLE DAY! Meh.
    You are describing a man who is feeling smothered by the relationship. If you really want it to continue, I would suggest you need to let him breathe. You would both gain from this. I don't get a sense that you trust him. If you really don't trust him, then get out now. If you do, then let him alone for a while. Neither of you is fourteen. Learn to love the life you have, not the one you think you should have.
     
  5. bigblueboo

    bigblueboo New commenter

    Thanks all. I am very hot headed and dramatic at times and this is something I’m trying to curb. Although we’ve been formally separated for two years we’ve not actually lived together since our child was 6 months old. Our relationship was dead then so this new relationship doesn’t feel too soon to me. My ex is sober now (which was the trigger for the abuse) he sees our child once a month with supervision and we actually have a very amicable relationship now.
    In my new relationship I fear I have done that awful thing of comparing what I have with others and then panicking for my age that I don’t have ‘enough’ which now in hindsight is ridiculous.
     
    monicabilongame and emerald52 like this.
  6. catmother

    catmother Star commenter

    I remember your thread about him not wanting any children and the OP being somehow obsessed with having another child. No wonder the poor man run away. If I were him,I would keep running.
     
    Lara mfl 05, blazer, nizebaby and 5 others like this.
  7. 7eleven

    7eleven Senior commenter

    Read every word of the above. Every word makes sense. If you don’t let him breathe you will push him away. Focus on you and your recovery. What happens in 2020 doesn’t matter for now.
     
  8. NellyFUF

    NellyFUF Lead commenter

    Can't advise.
    Hope things get better for you all.
     
  9. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Star commenter

    Why have you got his passport?

    To be quite honest I think you need to step back, give him some space and perhaps think about whether you're really ready for a relationship at all.
     
  10. catmother

    catmother Star commenter

    So he does not escape?
     
  11. FrankWolley

    FrankWolley Star commenter


    LOL :D


    (I wondered that!)
     
  12. sparkleghirl

    sparkleghirl Star commenter

    You're being a drama queen, you have some bad relationship experience. But noone could blame him if he's gone for good.

    IF he hasn't gone for good, learn from this and think a bit more about how he must feel when (if) he comes back.
     
  13. needabreak

    needabreak Star commenter

    Sometimes you have to trust your gut instincts.

    There is no need to do a character assassination on yourself, it sounds as if he was taking his time out over the past two months... while taking on a ready made family is a biggy he is aware of your desires so he has choices, comply, compromis or walk away. In any case other than compromising your desires yourself you can't change how he feels right now... except by pushing and possibly helping him decide that walking away is the right thing to do as others have said.

    It seems you had your futures planned out in front of you but life doesn't always go to plan, so as you like things organised perhaps devise a backup plan without him just incase, it will help you move forward if you like plans and this is permanent.

    Just out of interest do you have mutual friends? Have you met his friends and family? Been to his place?

    Edit
     
  14. bigblueboo

    bigblueboo New commenter

    We went away last weekend and he gave it to me after we got through passport control as he didn’t have a bag. It’s just stayed in my bag ever since.
    Catmother, I am very aware that I’ve not come across particularly well in this thread but I’m trying to repair myself and not be swallowed by anxiety that follows me everywhere. I have to say that considering all I’m doing is asking for some advice or even for people’s own experiences I’ve found your comments extremely hurtful and upsetting. If all you have to offer are snippy comments meant to make me feel worse about myself then can I suggest you just don’t comment anymore.
    Sadly, I’m an over thinker. I’ve been like it my whole teaching career, pregnancy etc. I still can’t receive an email from SLT without breaking into a cold sweat even though I know I’ve done nothing. I’m going to give it some time and if it’s meant to be then great but, if it’s just for this time and he’s helped me heal and grow from my last relationship then I will need to accept it and be grateful.
     
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  15. foxtail3

    foxtail3 Star commenter

    I wondered if I’d thought correctly and you’re the poster who possibly wanted another child, but he didn’t.

    I too, think you’re being a drama queen and I think you’re driving him away. Even the thread title is dramatic and probably inaccurate.

    You don’t need to be in touch all day, every day and I think he needs space. You should back off and give him space, before he decides that it’s all too much for him.
     
  16. bigblueboo

    bigblueboo New commenter

    Just out of interest do you have mutual friends? Have you met his friends and family? Been to his place?

    Yes, met all his family and friends. When I’m where he lives I stay with him. He’s only just met my child but met my friends a while ago.
     
    needabreak likes this.
  17. Lalad

    Lalad Star commenter

    You say he's been in touch a few times and says he still loves you.
    Talk to him, not to us.
     
  18. JosieWhitehead

    JosieWhitehead Star commenter

    It's not really surprising that he has gone. I would have done that too if, in the early part of a relationship, long-term terms and conditions and the feeling of being penned in, came before friendship. Back off a bit. Everyone needs space. This advice comes from someone who has been married for more than 50 years. I would suggest that you put more friends into your life and less pressure on people. Sorry. Your little child needs your time because it must be very hard for him having lost his Daddy.
     
  19. Aquamarina1234

    Aquamarina1234 Star commenter

    Under pressure, it's fight or flight.
    He flew.
     
  20. needabreak

    needabreak Star commenter

    This...

    I guess in our instant world lots of people are looking for instant relationships... often they simply get instant sex, relationships do take time, often longer than a couple of years lest you repent at leisure, at least he is taking it all seriously now and thinking things through so as to not invest in something he may regret later, if he does come back the OP will know he has given things some considerable thought.
     

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