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The rebound is on the rocks

Discussion in 'Personal' started by acertainsomething, May 30, 2011.

  1. acertainsomething

    acertainsomething Occasional commenter

    Well my ex (seems funny to refer to her in that way after such a long time) has been seeing her new bloke about a year now (4 months of which I was blissfully unaware) He earns around 70,000 a year and I did think that as she had moved on (away from me) that he would show more commitment, yet strangely the opposite has been true and he seems to be moving away from her (sometimes he can go 6 days without seeing her). I am still supporting my ex financially and in our conversations she says she is grateful and when I ask about his long term commitment I am met by a steely glare. We are probably getting on better now than we did when we were together, however I can't hope to meet someone else whilst financially propping up my ex because I feel someone has to (even though it was her decision to go she can't have forseen that the man she threw everything away for is not in a position to commit to her) I also know that if I continue to support her it does not help me in my emotional recovery. Anyway this is rambly even by my standards but if anyone can offer advice who has been there I'd love to listen. My family think she is playing the long game to eventually re-concile but I don't want that as I couldn't go through this again.

    Thanks ACS
     
  2. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    At least you know that. You have analysed it. Many people don't get that far and stay in a stuck place for a lot longer than a year. It's natural to feel fear and trepidation. We know we have to break a few eggs to make an omelette, but which egg to break first and then in what order. It sounds like a staus quo has developed and it's not good for you. By the sounds of it your ex still needs you and you are being there for her. She is in a no mans land of sorts too - her relationship with this guy has not developed the way she wanted it to. He his holding back. She is waiting. She is doing her waiting with you. You are caught up in her limbo and you have your own to contend with. Lines have to be drawn.
     
  3. acertainsomething

    acertainsomething Occasional commenter


    You are the first person to put it in such a way. I feel I am here as a fall back position, she doesn't say it, but my intuition does. Great post Kibosh, thank you.
     
  4. I think that's an individual thing - even talking about it is a step forward.
     
  5. ROSIEGIRL

    ROSIEGIRL Senior commenter

    Formalise and limit finances. Likewise contact with the ex.. And don't ask her about her love life/relationships!
    As for you - forget about starting again, just aim for a bit of distance and independence first.

     
  6. acertainsomething

    acertainsomething Occasional commenter

    I never ask her, I don't even know what he looks like. She sent me an email from his email addreess once and it was a kick in the nuts I'll tell you. I still feel punishing her would be punishing my little girl. I can afford financially but not sure what emotional damage it might be doing.
     
  7. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    How can she admit that you are all sitting around in the wreckage together, the wreckage she has caused/created.
    Yes. i agree, she is hedging her bets with you (as you are both getting on better now) as she now sees all the good that she has lost and her main deal (money man) has not delivered the goods.
    If you are very sure that you can never trust her enough to be with her again, then you will have to be hard and firm. She must get on with the situation that she is in without you. You have your own pieces to pick up, your own personal wreckage to sit in and sift through.
     
  8. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    yes. small steps at first.
     
  9. acertainsomething

    acertainsomething Occasional commenter

    I have tried to do that but when I see her all I see is the woman I loved for 12 years. Weak? yes, but it is the position at the moment. Maybe I should send you Kibosh.
     
  10. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    No. Not weak. You have mentioned this self denigrating stuff before. I seem to remember you were saying you were a fool for having loved, for having been deceived. It takes courage to love. It takes strength to hold back on the desire to lash out and hurt someone as much as they have hurt you. It takes maturity to rise above all the pain and confusion and see with clarity that you do not want your daughter to suffer any more than she has.
    It's easy for us to sit at our keyboards and chat away to you about this because we are not the ones in your position. We are not feeling what you feel. There's bound to be a famous quote about the benefits of objectivity, just can't think of it off hand.
    Anyway half the battle in dealing with issues is seeing them for what they are. You are seeing clearly. You seem to be very honest with yourself. Give it time and feelings will shift. New sprouts of emotions will start to poke their wee heads above the parapet. That will give you confidence. The sense of fragility will start to lessen.
     
  11. I vote for Kibosh as the new TES Agony Aunt.
     
  12. ROSIEGIRL

    ROSIEGIRL Senior commenter

    Hear! Hear!
    Wise words Kibosh !
     
  13. acertainsomething

    acertainsomething Occasional commenter


    I have re-read her post 3 times. Anyone who knows me will know I rarely read stuff on here once. I do appreciate your words of advice Kibosh.
     
  14. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    It's amazing how bossy I can be when I'm not being silly [​IMG]
     
  15. acertainsomething

    acertainsomething Occasional commenter

    what I did forget to say is that none of her family know about her affair and if they know about him now they haven't mentioned it. He seems like a dirty secret they are trying to bury.
     
  16. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    Could I charge enough to forget about teaching, d'you think? [​IMG]
     
  17. I can't believe she's done that. It smacks of not wanting to take responsibility for what she has done. Grr.
     
  18. Oh yeah. People pay a better hourly rate to tarot readers than child minder so you'd be fine.
     
  19. acertainsomething

    acertainsomething Occasional commenter


    at the outset she said this is about me, i know i am selfish and i am sorry i have hurt you but it is for me. In a way I am better off as I have grieved this relationship propely, she will one day have to do that when lover man has gone.
     
  20. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    They are bound to have strong and mixed feelings about what she has done and is doing. They may not be able to articulate this, they may feel very inhibited about saying anything at all. They may be sticking their heads deep in the sand, wishing the whole thing would resolve itself, become more defined, blow over. Have they expressed any regret or sadness to you, about 'losing' you from their lives?
    They will have to deal with their side of the wreckage. You have to deal with yours and I hope you have some close family of your own and some good friends.
     

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