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The \I can't have kids"Support Group"""

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by slippeddisc, Apr 19, 2008.

  1. lilachardy

    lilachardy Star commenter

    I'd think the opposite was true - counselling to ensure you are mentally "ok" with adoption would be a good thing!

    They want to know you are accepting of the situation... I think!
  2. slippeddisc

    slippeddisc New commenter

    Never thought of it like that. Does anyone have experience of adoption and know what they are looking for? I know I can't do it now as financially I'm not even secure enough for myself let alone for another but one day I want a child...somehow.
  3. lilachardy

    lilachardy Star commenter

    There's a thread on Personal about adopting a child rather than a baby... the people there would be able to help you.

    Perhaps you could PM them?
  4. Skyler

    Skyler New commenter

    Hi - I've just found this thread and hoped it was ok for me to jump in.

    I can't have children. My oh has a child, but he is now on medication which renders him infertile. That medication enables him to lead a normal life. Without it he'd be in agony and housebound. On top of that I have large cysts on one ovary and PCOS. The doc told us that it's a chance in a million for us to conceive.

    I've just started a new job - was told on my first day "You've got room 2. Just be careful because everyone who's worked in room 2 has got pregnant within six months!" I laughed, but it was hollow. I could work in room 2 for six years and it still wouldn't make much difference to me.

    My best friend is having her first child. The day she told me I held it together until she went home and then cried and cried. She's asked me to be there when the baby is born because she knows that she can trust me to be her support and strength if her husband crashes out (we've been friends for nearly 30 years). What could I say? I have sobbed for hours over it though and I will cry a whole lot more before the baby is born.

    My MIL has accused me of being career minded and stubborn. I think her words were "if you really wanted a baby you could have one." Yes, I could. But not with her son, and not without considerable medical intervention.

    So - that's me in a nutshell.

  5. slippeddisc

    slippeddisc New commenter

    Welcome Skyler. What an insensitive mother in law.

    Your post hit a nerve. I know exactly what it is like to hear that good friends are having a baby. I just heard that one of my best friends from uni is pregnant. 16 weeks. I went to her wedding 5 months ago. It's obviously so easy for some people. Just when I thought that things were going so well. I haven't smiled so much in ages and now I'm sitting here holding back tears of frustration...again.

  6. I'm a regular poster but using another name as this is a very personal admission.

    I can't have children. I have conceived once but lost the pregnancy early on and now can't carry past 4 or 5 days.

    I have been offered IVF but am not in a position to consider it with my 'partner', we are not in that place I'm not even sure we are together.

    I am heartbroken.

    This was my last hope and when I write and refuse the funding I will be closing this chapter of my life. I have no idea how to stem this grief.

  7. lilachardy

    lilachardy Star commenter

    There is nothing I can say that will help you feel better.

    Remember you can PM me or others on the thread if you want to talk more, or get more support.

  8. lapinrose

    lapinrose Star commenter

    We're trying to clear out a lot of stuff at the moment and I came across a folder with all the newspaper cuttings from when I was actively campaigning against the Bill Enoch Powell tried to introduce in 1985. At the time I was a patient of Robert Winston and waiting for my first try at IVF. Little did I know that it would be a 2nd ectopic. I was able to have another attempt at IVF but no luck. I was so hopeful that IVF would work but although 3 embryoes were transferred both times, nothing.

    The pain, mental and physical, of haveing an ectopic followed by tubal surgery to repair a fallopian tube damaged when I sustained a broken pelvis in an RTA, followed by a 2nd ectopic was just so huge. I still get the questions, do you have children and when I say no get told that I can always adopt!! No I can't, there aren't enough children around.

    We were turned down for adoption as I was over 35, I know the laws have changed now, but I still cry about never being a mother. Now my friends are becoming grandparents and that is something else I'll never be.

  9. Both my little rays of sunshine who are now aged 3 and 7are adopted. We adopted one at 2 and the other at 5 months. I know a couple of posts were asking if anyone had adopted, I am happy to chat about our experiences - is there a pm facility on here?

    Dont get me wrong, when my hubbies vasectomy reversal failed, I was devastated and we had a few hurdles to cross over not being able to be pregnant but these two children are now our world
  10. lilachardy

    lilachardy Star commenter

    Thank you, it's good to see a positive ending!

  11. lilachardy

    lilachardy Star commenter

    A random bump in case anyone new wants to join us!
  12. I found out in 1985 that my husband was sterile. We adopted two children and although they are great people. I still feel that not having my own children has ruined my life. I bitterly regret that I stayed married to him. Had I known then what I know now I would have divorced him.
  13. lilachardy

    lilachardy Star commenter

    That's sad.

    It shows how very deep the desire to have children is. I don't know if it's worse when you potentially could have changed something or not!

  14. Thanks lilac

    In 26 years I haven't discussed this with anyone, except my sister. But even she doesn't understand, when my daughter and I went to see her last year she said " her real parents would be so proud of her"

    My life has been an relentless chorus of "if only..." . The sad thing is I am becoming so bitter about it and I really don't want to because it will poison everything.
  15. lilachardy

    lilachardy Star commenter

    I don't know what to say to that really.

    I suppose it depends on your personal definition of "parent". I think discussing it with people in similar situations may help you be less bitter about it.

    Easy to say, I know

  16. I am not expecting you to say anything. I think someone listening and not judging me is more than enough. I have never met anyone in my situation, which reinforces my isolation.

    I hope you are ok

  17. lilachardy

    lilachardy Star commenter

    I dunno really - the cause behind your situation may be a bit different, but we're all in the same situation for different reasons.

    I suppose in a way you are seeing it from what is more typically the male viewpoint.
  18. Many years ago I remember that my husband said to let him help and I told him that he couldn't be the problem and the cure. I don't think we are going to be married for much longer.
  19. lilachardy

    lilachardy Star commenter

    What does he feel about the whole situation?

  20. It's the elephant in the room that we never discuss. He has said that he's sorry. Another time he said that he regretted that we didn't have kids. If I say anything he accuses me of living in the past. I don't want to make him sound heartless but this has been our lives for 26 years and it won't go away.

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