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The end of the road

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Iamtitanium, Oct 6, 2019.

  1. Iamtitanium

    Iamtitanium New commenter

    I have been married to my husband for 15 years and he's always been difficult to live with. I have justified putting up with his behaviour because when he's in a good spell we rub along quite well together. No drama, no fireworks. But a couple of times a year he has a bit of an episode where he's horrible to live with. He has no friends, no hobbies, a painful long term health condition and talks about killing himself a lot. In the past I've weathered the storms, put up with the verbal and emotional abuse, encouraged him to get help from the Crisis Team and come through the other side, emotionally battered. The current spell is particularly awful . He hates everyone.

    This time I'm thinking it's the end of the road. Do I really want to live like this, waiting for the "next time"? I tread on eggshells. Every time I go out (I have friends, family, interests) he thinks I'm having an affair. I am sick of it. I come home wondering if this time he'll be dead.

    But if we come to an agreement and he leaves I suspect he'll commit suicide . Or his health conditions will make looking after himself very hard. Rationally I know he has mental health issues and his chronic pain affects his state of mind. I can't be responsible for his happiness and well being but the idea of him leaving and me not knowing where or how he is feels awful. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

    Not expecting advice just needed to vent
  2. HelenREMfan

    HelenREMfan Star commenter

    Didn't want to read and scoot but am working in a while.

    My friend said to me many times when I wanted out of a 29 year marriage "We pass this way but once". She's correct. Keep this is mind.

    What help might you bring in for your OH? If he has always refused it.... needing to keep his mental health state away from family, friends. GP etc.... then he's not on. It is not for you to carry alone.

    The "eggshells' bit concerns me. I felt unable to relax and enjoy my own home and that played a large part in my decision.
    Know that whatever decision you take....it is your decision and maybe you have to give a good deal more thought to the next 15 years and more.

    Take care.
    agathamorse, pepper5 and FrankWolley like this.
  3. Doitforfree

    Doitforfree Star commenter

    I didn't want to read and run either. I think the very fact that you're venting is a an indication that you know things have got to change and you want them to. Married or not, you are not your husband's keeper. It sounds at if you've gone way beyond what is reasonable in accommodating his behaviour. Helen's advice is sound. Good luck.
    agathamorse and pepper5 like this.

    ROSIEGIRL Lead commenter

    Have you been able to access support, for yourself? Maybe some counselling would help you to decide what to do, and how best to do it?

    It really doesn't sound a good way to live and your need to change things is totally understandable. Good luck.
    agathamorse and pepper5 like this.
  5. SammyBear2016

    SammyBear2016 Occasional commenter

    It is easy for us to say that you need to think of yourself and your future happiness. Your post indicates that you would worry what would happen to him if you were to leave him and i suspect you are worried that if he did do something or couldn't cope you would feel guilty. At the moment you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. You aren't happy, but at the same time worried that if you split and something happened to him would you be even more unhappy.

    It sounds like he is not receiving the help he needs (that might be down to him not accepting it) but i would also question if you are receiving any support. Do you think a threat to leave may be the push he needs to get help?

    The key part for me in your post is "when he's in a good spell we rub along quite well together". You haven't said we get on great, have a wonderful time, make up for the bad times, etc.

    Ultimately you have to make the decision but if you are really unhappy then why should you have to live like that. If you decide that this is the end then what happens to him from then is down to him. If he has family they should be the ones going forward that need to support him.
    agathamorse and pepper5 like this.
  6. sbkrobson

    sbkrobson Star commenter

    You describe how you are confined in the role of carer to his illness and prisoner to his abuse.
    Now and then. You're a bundle of guilt and fear. I'm not interpreting.I'm just taking your words at face value.
    Strip back your post and leave only this sentence above.
    That isn't really the purpose of marriage, is it?
    Leave him.
    If you miss him, you can still visit each other.
    But only at times when you hope he is alive.
    Flowersinspring likes this.
  7. lindenlea

    lindenlea Star commenter

    Have you thought of talking to Samaritans. What feels like the best result for you
    a) he gets help and life settles down together, or
    b)you leave, he accepts it albeit unhappily, and you both move on separately.
    Either of those may feel unattainable at the moment but being honest with yourself about this might help you decide what you're going to do next.
  8. Aquamarina1234

    Aquamarina1234 Star commenter

    All of the above, ending with "leave". And move a long way away. Do you want this to be your life for the next 30 years during which time he might kill himself anyway?
    agathamorse likes this.
  9. knitone

    knitone Lead commenter

    Probably a silly question, but have you told him how you feel? Does he know how his behaviour impacts on your mental and physical wellbeing? Your talk of ‘weathering storms’, putting up with ‘verbal and emotional abuse’, and ‘treading on eggshells’ doesn’t sound like it. In an ideal world, I would sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel, and what you need for this relationship to continue. If he cannot, or will not, try to see things from your perspective, I think that gives you your answer. If you leave and he commits suicide, it is because he has taken that decision, not because of anything you have done.
  10. silkywave

    silkywave Lead commenter

    You are not his keeper. He may appreciate what you do for him if you leave . It might make him pull together if he has to do things for himself. I just worry that you will be ok leaving, as you will probably be worse off financially and will you have somewhere to live in the meanwhile that is not going to make you feel worse off?
    @knitone is right. If you can sit down and talk honestly about the way you feel? That is not easy either. It’s often the elephant in the room. Medication will help surely for his depression?
    Do you have children caught up in this?
    Good luck.
    agathamorse and pepper5 like this.
  11. mothorchid

    mothorchid Star commenter

    What a very difficult situation, I sympathise with both of you. Some very good advice above.
    @Orkrider2 may have some thoughts on this. I hope she doesn't mine me alerting her about your thread.
    agathamorse and pepper5 like this.
  12. Iamtitanium

    Iamtitanium New commenter

    Thank you all for your wise words, I really appreciate you taking the time to help. The phrase "you are not your husband 's keeper" is sticking in my head and that is something I'm increasingly aware of . Today we are talking about taking his name off the house deeds and him leaving with some sort of payout. I'll keep the house.
    Financially I know I'm going to be OK even with a considerable chunk of my lump sum gone. Emotionally not so sure but I know I can't go on like this.
  13. Ivartheboneless

    Ivartheboneless Star commenter

    Relationships require give and take and compromise, not all take. Takers, be it in whatever way, are generally control freaks. I appreciate that it maybe takes time to understand that, but hopefully looking back you will understand.
    agathamorse and pepper5 like this.
  14. mothorchid

    mothorchid Star commenter

    Goodness, @Iamtitanium things have shifted somewhat! Well done - it sounds as if he is being relatively sensible. Long may it last. The emotional blackmail ("I'll kill myself if you don't...") is not healthy for anyone.
    How are you doing? Emotionally I am sure you are stronger than you think. You have carried this burden for 15 years; that builds up the emotional muscles!
    caress, agathamorse and knitone like this.
  15. Pageant

    Pageant Occasional commenter

    Please get hold of a copy of Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? : Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Your husband will be in there somewhere (including the threats of suicide) and you'll recognise a lot of what's happening in your life. It was the best book I ever read (after I left my husband of 46 years) and answered so many questions when I was going round and round in circles.
    Iamtitanium likes this.
  16. Jude Fawley

    Jude Fawley Star commenter

    We come into this world on our own and we leave it on our own.

    Why mess with the structure?
    needabreak likes this.
  17. Pageant

    Pageant Occasional commenter


    Breaking up with an abuser can be very hard to do. In fact, leaving a non abusive partner is
    generally easier, contrary to what many people believe. Few abusers readily allow themselves to
    be left. When they feel a partner starting to get stronger, beginning to think for herself more, slipping out from under domination, abusers move to their endgame. Some of their more common manoeuvers include:


    Promising to change

    Entering therapy or an abuser program

    Not drinking, attending AA

    Making apologies

    Telling you that you will be lost without him

    Telling you that no one else will want to be with you

    Threatening suicide

    Saying that you are abandoning him, making you feel guilty

    (Lundy Bancroft)
    monicabilongame and Iamtitanium like this.
  18. mothorchid

    mothorchid Star commenter

    I see what you're saying, @Jude Fawley, but that rather limits the long term survival of the human race. Of course you (or others) may like that idea. ;)
  19. Jude Fawley

    Jude Fawley Star commenter

    I love the idea.
    mothorchid likes this.
  20. Jude Fawley

    Jude Fawley Star commenter

    Basically, the crux of the problem is that there's too much of this "monkey see, monkey do" stuff going on.

    That, and the cost of housing.

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