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Discussion in 'Personal' started by Dunteachin, Nov 17, 2016.
Jesus ruddy wept!
Duke!! A bridge too far!
It has come to my attention that some of you are taking advantage of my Stepping Back and are posting things of an Outrageous nature.
I have not relinquished my title and am still amongst you.
Have some couth!
P.B. Dunty (reigning Agony Aunt)
That there Gwinniff is ripping people off. Who needs a candle? I distinctly remember one of the dungeon sou...soiu...swar...parties, you were more than happy to waft yer aroma.
The Wonderful World of Snatcherel...
Health and Safety Executive HQ
Dear PB Dunty, proprietor "Dunty's Dungeons"
Following our recent surprise inspection, we have instructed the Lower Wittering Fire and Rescue Service to re-inspect the premises listed above.
As you will recall, your premises failed to meet the majority of safety requirements necessary when delivering services to members of the public, principally:
The welding shut of the fire escape doors towards the rear of the building. The keyholder, Mr Ivor Painswick, could not provide an adequate reason why people should be prevented from leaving the dungeon other than, "It's wot they pay for, guvnor".
The storage of bottles of flammable liquids in the kitchen area. The description of "Chef's hot sauce" did not fully explain why the liquid was starting to etch holes in the glass, nor indeed how the liquids were to be used / ingested. There were no HazMat signs displayed.
The absence of carbon monoxide and smoke detectors was a major concern, especially so as our inspectors discovered evidence of recent illicit indoor barbecue use.
Following the unseemly conduct exhibited towards uniformed members of the fire service during their last inspection of Dunty's Dungeons, the fire officers will be chaperoned by council security men on this occasion. It is to be hoped that molestation will not occur during this inspection.
Really ; if fire fighters don’t want to see unseemly conduct then they need to refrain from making uncalled for remarks and gestures to Diamond Lil and Ruby. Those ladies may be of advanced years but they were only giving their usual services to Stan and Lennie.
I suspect Aunty D's going to be doing more stepping back and stepping forward than a line dancer on Speed at this rate - give the woman a goddam break y'all.
Just to let you know that the Parish Council want their money back for the recent renovations of your Spa area and the upgrade of the waterfall and hot tub. Apparently, you were granted the money because you said you were opening the Dungeon to the elderly and infirm of said Parish. But there is no wheelchair access, hoist into whirlpool or disabled toilet.
Having a one armed masseuse doesn't count.
I heard all this whilst emptying the bin in the Council chamber. Just a heads up.
Ps I found my Speedos
Does your dungeon have a pervasive pong? Are the neighbours starting to complain? Do aromas waft about and escape from your premises? Is the ozone layer taking a bashing?
Yes? Then you need one of these to maintain prolonged dungeony freshness.
Pour liberally where pongs originate. (To avoid corrosion, do not permit this to come into contact with polished surfaces, latex, leather or handcuffs).
"NO POT POURRI !!! NO SURRENDER!! NOOOOOO!!!!"
That's very handy for long car journeys!
It is a catheter, is it not?
Aromas often escape from my premises.
But then I've an ileostomy so it's hardly surprising! And my ileostomy pouch DOES resemble a hot-water bottle.
I have a real life bonio fido problem! The cutlery drawer is an issue in our house. From left to right it should go spoons, forks then knives. Yet, Klutz insists on knives, forks, spoons.
How does your daily set yours out?
Front to back.......... teaspoons, forks, knives, spoons. Big spoons at right angles on the left.
but my drawer thingy goes left to right - so no biscuit Foxy
I can't abide them but this is where chopsticks would come in handy.
It goes LtoR: knifey, forky, spoony.
This reminds me of of Kermit's song to Miss Piggy.
"Bib and napkin,
knife and fork,
it's the only way that I'll touch pork."