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temper outbursts from OH

Discussion in 'Pregnancy' started by snappyshark, Jan 21, 2011.

  1. Hi,
    I am not really sure why I am posting this but I need to vent anonymously and wondered if anyone could advise me or tell me I am making a big deal out of nothing.
    My OH has had two big wobbly melt downs since christmas. One was when we invited friends round for a party and he burnt some food he was cooking as he got distracted moving furniture. This caused him to have a funny couple of minutes where he was repeatedly kicking the door in temper. I told him to grow up and stop being so stupid etc etc
    Last night we started bickering as we could not find a DVD which I had earlier in the day. He got a bit shirty with me as he gets wound up about stuff that can't be found. I got shirty back and told him to stop being such a ***. He shouts at me to F.... off and when I got up to leave the room he starts shoving me backwards. The fine detail is that I am 8 and half stone and nearly 11 weeks pregnant and he is over six foot and 15 stone. I went upstairs and he followed me up to carry on arguing and told me it was my fault for winding him up by calling him a ***!
    Afterwards he calmed down and there was a great deal of snivelling and apologising and a token bunch of flowers this morning. He promised not to do it again and I said if he did he would be out.
    There seems to be a few boxes being ticked here-blaming the pushing/shoving about on me as being my fault for winding him up and the OTT making amends-flowers, promises etc
    These two outbursts have happened within weeks of each other. Am I making too big a deal? Any advice would be welcome as I am feeling confused and a bit vulnerable at the mo. xxx
     
  2. Hi,
    I am not really sure why I am posting this but I need to vent anonymously and wondered if anyone could advise me or tell me I am making a big deal out of nothing.
    My OH has had two big wobbly melt downs since christmas. One was when we invited friends round for a party and he burnt some food he was cooking as he got distracted moving furniture. This caused him to have a funny couple of minutes where he was repeatedly kicking the door in temper. I told him to grow up and stop being so stupid etc etc
    Last night we started bickering as we could not find a DVD which I had earlier in the day. He got a bit shirty with me as he gets wound up about stuff that can't be found. I got shirty back and told him to stop being such a ***. He shouts at me to F.... off and when I got up to leave the room he starts shoving me backwards. The fine detail is that I am 8 and half stone and nearly 11 weeks pregnant and he is over six foot and 15 stone. I went upstairs and he followed me up to carry on arguing and told me it was my fault for winding him up by calling him a ***!
    Afterwards he calmed down and there was a great deal of snivelling and apologising and a token bunch of flowers this morning. He promised not to do it again and I said if he did he would be out.
    There seems to be a few boxes being ticked here-blaming the pushing/shoving about on me as being my fault for winding him up and the OTT making amends-flowers, promises etc
    These two outbursts have happened within weeks of each other. Am I making too big a deal? Any advice would be welcome as I am feeling confused and a bit vulnerable at the mo. xxx
     
  3. Hi snappyshark,

    Don't really know what to say but didn't want to read & not reply. It's really up to you-if you think it was a one off then it may be okay but as you say there are a few serious warning signs. Perhaps sit him down and talk to him in a couple of days when your calmer and explain that if he displays ANY aggressive/violent behaviour to you again you will leave-make sure he knows you mean it then it might be okay? Sorry I'm a bit useless but hopefully other people will have more to add-as you say you are vulnerable right now and maybe talking to a friend would help? hope your ok. T xx
     
  4. I'm struggling to give you a measured response really - shoving a pregnant woman about? What a *** - sorry but that's totally unreasonable behaviour. Was it a planned pregnancy? On the face if what you've said I'd suggest some time apart and a LOT of grovelling / proof of change on his side before you take him back. You do have someone else to think of now.
     
  5. GO TO RELATE.
    These things can be fixed but it needs a third skilled person to support you both as you address the issues.

    The most importnat thing you must know is
    THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. IN ANY WAY. AND IF YOU ACCEPT THE BLAME FOR IT YOU WILL MAKE THINGS WORSE.

    Big hugs snappyshark.
    The very worst case scenario here is that you could be a single mum.
    Better a single mum than in an abusive relationship.

    Weebecka is talking from experience.
     
  6. i'm with Weebecka on this - you have to sort it out now as the longer it gets left the harder it will be to walk away. Its hard to leave but worse to stay in this kind or relationship (I didn't have a child in one but had a relationship that started like this and got more and more abusive verbally and physically....)..be very careful and please take care of yourself xxxxx
     
  7. Tell people.
    Tell your friends, tell your family, keep talking to OH.
    Treat it as deadpan matter of fact - we're going to deal with this, we're going to get some counselling to support us both in making sure it never happens again.
    If you say it often enough to people it will become true, and if it doesn't become true that's revealing deeper issues which it's better to know about than not.
    If you are ever going to deal with this successfully together now is the time.

    TELL PEOPLE In the long run what can you lose? If you deal with it successfully people will admire you both and respect you for what you've achieved. If you don't deal with it succesfully it's better there is clear communication as to why this is.
    DO NOT ever blame yourself. EVER.

    And so long as he is doing his best and listening and facing this - keep up the loving girl. Plenty of DTD.
    Couples do get through much worse than this.
    [​IMG]big hug
     
  8. Hi snappyshark,
    I could really relate to this as OH and I have quite a tempestuous relationship to say the least. We have similar incidents where our arguments can lead to name calling, or telling each other to f off, and while they are not how I pictured life being I have also been able to accept over the years that some of this is just how we both are. I found it hard at first as my previous relationships were very different and my exes were usually quite placid and easy going. Neither I nor my OH are easy going and I think it is a bad combination of how we both handle upset, anger etc which leads to our rows. On the other hand it is better than with my previous partner where I would get angry, he would get silent and refuse to talk and nothing was truly resolved.
    The arguing style does not worry me so much as I believe that can be worked on by the two of you. OH and I have tried to bring in rules, i.e. cut down on shouting, no name calling, no bringing up each others parents in rows, I have to try not to list all his faults as a counter attack when I feel hurt etc. We can see our faults as individuals and as a couple and I hope we will work on them over the years - we still have fights, but they are getting less intense and we are getting better at resolving them and talking after the explosions! My biggest problem is that I grew up in a house where my parents rarely argued and so I found it hard at first to accept that a relationship can be a good and positive one, and still have periods of argument. I think it is not the arguments themselves but what you learn from them and a need to learn how to 'fight fair' which is important.
    What is obviously worrying here is the element of 'physical' fighting. I understand the size issue perfectly, as you could be describing me and OH there! While I truly believe he would never ever hurt me, I can sometimes feel that he has a very definite physical advantage over me and it is worrying to think what would happen if he ever used it. To be clear, nothing has ever happened, I am merely saying as a small woman with a big man you can be aware sometimes of that fact. What I would ask is, how hard was he pushing you? Was it aggressive and against your will, or was it putting out a hand to restrain you? Only you can say whether it was the kind of action which made you feel threatened and frightened.
    Finally, there is the pregnancy issue - I leave this till last as physical violence is not ok, pregnant or not. But what I would say is that early pregnancy is the hardest time emotionally, for both partners I think. There is a lot to come to terms with and I found that I really struggled to feel happy, positive and to think clearly at this time. What has to be clear is that you and the baby come first, and if you believe that there is any physical danger from this man, then you need to have your priorities straight and get help, or get away for a while. Nothing is worth risking you and the little one over, not even the father of your child. You say these two outbursts have both happended recently - is this out of the blue or have you always been a couple who argues like this? If it is a recent thing, then that would be a very good reason to sit down together or with a counsellor and talk this out and there would seem to be some new factor which is changing things, perhaps a reaction to pregnancy? If you have always fought like this, ask yourself is it getting worse, is this out of character for him, or is it that you are reacting differently not that you are pg, hormonal, upset etc.
    Only you know how serious these actions are, but please listen to the others and if there is any doubt seek help, and keep talking to people. Keep posting if you need to, there are always lots of people here willing to help, and we all know how scary pregnancy is and how vulnerable you can feel.

     
  9. I knew everyone else would say better stuff than me-very good advice. T xx
     
  10. You are absolutely not making a big deal. There's nothing much else to say as I agree fully with all the other posts.
    I just wondered, was OH like this before you were pregnant? Have you seen elements of this in the past? If not, then it seems a coincendence that he is suddenly behaving like this and maybe he is having difficulty coping with the pregnancy? Not at all is it acceptable that he is doing this but it's important to figure out WHY he is doing this. Has something else happened i.e problems at work or anything that might make him feel not confident in looking after you and baby? and he is lashing out on you.
    Just like the other posts, arguements you can deal with. Both me and OH are lucky as we're both very placid BUT we still have major rows, and we too try to put in rules etc to reduce the nastiness etc in rows. The problem with your situation here, is the violence and the 'extreme' temper. This is NOT ACCEPTABLE, and none of this is your fault at all! You need to tell close family members and friends (for your safety and emotional needs) and if need be seek outside help. Keep on talking to OH and perhaps stop if/when he feels uncomfortable, and then start again at another time. One step at a time until/if you figure out why he is doing this.
    Take care and reply soon so we know you're ok x
     
  11. Tigger1962

    Tigger1962 New commenter

    Sorry but this does not bode well
    If minor domestic irritations over cooking and locating DVDs result in verbal and physical metdowns - how will he react to the irritations and sleepless nights of a tiny baby crying?
    I think you should insist on some form of counselling
     
  12. I think notsomightymouse's post is excellent advice. Domestic abuse often rears its head for the first time during pregnancy and there is help out there for men if they want to accept it.
     
  13. I agree with everyone on here - look after yourself - you and the baby have to come first - nights with no sleep do become difficult at the best of times
    x
     

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