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Stillbirth Tragedy

Discussion in 'Pregnancy' started by kissykissy, Jan 16, 2012.

  1. HI
    I feel I need to share this raw, emotive and tragic story with others.
    Last Thursday at 12.36am I delivered our beautiful girl into the world. Tragically, she was stillborn and had died 2 days earlier.
    This truly has been the worse week of my life, never before has my heart felt such pain as if it has been plucked from my body never to return to it's previous carefree state. We are waiting for results from the post mortem: in essence there may be more contributing factors but I suffered with very high blood pressure at 28 weeks and had to spend 4 agonising days in hospital having all sorts of tests. As each day passed my hope failed, I was given steroid injections to build my babies lungs incase of an emergency C Sec but something inside me knew that this fairytale would have a tragic end - Mothers' instinct? I don't know.
    Instinctively, I knew last Monday that my baby had died: I hadn't felt much movement and I just knew the poor angel couldn't fight anymore. My husband drove us to the hospital where my suspicions were confirmed. I didn't need to look at the monitor to confirm my worse fears. The screen remained blank. A consultant was called, I presume a formal procedure to obtain a second opinion, it too confirmed what we already knew. Our baby had died. No heartbeat, no movement. Nothing. Surprisingly, I smiled at their condolences. Even remarking on the state of my chipped nail varnish on my toes - a definite coping mechansim later to be replaced by the utter devastating reality of overwhelming grief.
    The pain was compunded by knowing I had to complete the birth cycle. To be induced, labour and give birth to our sleeping beauty. I did it; god knows how but my body did what it needed and after returning home for 2 days, we waited for the onset of labour to begin. 48 hours later the pains began, nothing major, more period pain style.
    So, off we went as per instruction, back to the maternity ward. Balloons, cards and presents adorned the ward. There we were in a haze of utter disbelief and agony knowing we would be leaving empty handed. A void in our life never to be filled.
    As we were shown to a side room the gentleness and compassion showed to us by each midwife was touching. The sterile environment of the hospital where my baby would be born seemed so harsh but I knew I needed to stay focused on the reality of the task in hand. After inserting the labour inducing drug events progressed.
    Just 1hr and 15 mins later my body took control; the urge to push overwhelmed me. As I lay on the bed my tummy twisted with each contraction that helped ease my baby through the birthing canal; natures intended journey. So why couldn't I be rewarded with the shrill scream of my newborn? In one final push our baby was there.
    I closed my eyes - disbelief, shock and immense emotion. My body involuntarily shaking beyond control, there was nothing I could do to control my arms and legs from their movements. I held my husbands hand thoroughout the whole experience - my true rock of support. It's easy to become consumed in my own grief, afterall, It was me who had to give birth, who had carried our baby. However, he had to watch me give birth to his child knowing the inevitable outcome. He was powerless but he'll never know how much love and support he gave me when I needed it most.
    The midwife took away our baby and it was then we found out, it was a beautiful baby girl. We had resisted all temptation to find out the sex at our routine and healthy scans at 12 and 20 weeks.
    Our beautiful little girl, our first child.
    They took her away to be washed and dressed. Initially I was so overcome with emotion that I didn't want to see or hold our baby. I can never thank the team enough for allowing me time to think carefully about this decision. Afterall, once she was buried or cremated I would never have the chance to hold her, to feel her and to kiss her tiny hand. I reasoned that no matter how tragic it felt to cradle my sleeping baby it couldn't be as terrible as the haunting thoughts I may experience at a later date knowing she never had a loving cuddle from her parents - the very people whose job it was to keep her safe.
    She was brought back into the room in a moses basket, her tiny body nestled in a swaddle of blankets dressed in a pink baby grow my friend had kindly bought for us.
    She looked like me -she definitely looked like her mum god bless her. Fortunately, she didn't have my big, famous 'spooner' big toe; they were definitely a trait from her father. I lay her on my lap and absorbed her tiny features. We studied her tiny hands and toes - all there, perfectly formed, just 10 weeks short of perfect life - how cruel life can be! We kissed her tiny hands, whispering to her how much we loved her. After spending precious time with her we finally said goodbye - With a final kiss we placed a photo of us from our wedding day sharing a loving kiss - a small gift for her to be buried with and to keep her safe.
    I'm overcome with grief and guilt - was it me? How could I have changed the outcome? This, compounded by the juxtaposition of taking every pre-pregnancy vitamin on the market, folic acid, healthy diet, not a whiff of alcohol and regular exercise only to be greeted by the selfish expectant mothers outside the maternity ward happily chatting, fag in hand! How can this be fair? Why us?
    We have the task of arranging the funeral ahead, fortunately my husband (who I could not live without) has taken the lead in such formalities; the pain is just too much for me.
    If anyone else has similar heartbreaking stories please feel free to share. We definitely want more children - obvioulsy this is too raw at the moment but if anyone else out there can offer us any hope for the future please get in touch.
    Night night sweetheart - sleep tight
    x

     
  2. HI
    I feel I need to share this raw, emotive and tragic story with others.
    Last Thursday at 12.36am I delivered our beautiful girl into the world. Tragically, she was stillborn and had died 2 days earlier.
    This truly has been the worse week of my life, never before has my heart felt such pain as if it has been plucked from my body never to return to it's previous carefree state. We are waiting for results from the post mortem: in essence there may be more contributing factors but I suffered with very high blood pressure at 28 weeks and had to spend 4 agonising days in hospital having all sorts of tests. As each day passed my hope failed, I was given steroid injections to build my babies lungs incase of an emergency C Sec but something inside me knew that this fairytale would have a tragic end - Mothers' instinct? I don't know.
    Instinctively, I knew last Monday that my baby had died: I hadn't felt much movement and I just knew the poor angel couldn't fight anymore. My husband drove us to the hospital where my suspicions were confirmed. I didn't need to look at the monitor to confirm my worse fears. The screen remained blank. A consultant was called, I presume a formal procedure to obtain a second opinion, it too confirmed what we already knew. Our baby had died. No heartbeat, no movement. Nothing. Surprisingly, I smiled at their condolences. Even remarking on the state of my chipped nail varnish on my toes - a definite coping mechansim later to be replaced by the utter devastating reality of overwhelming grief.
    The pain was compunded by knowing I had to complete the birth cycle. To be induced, labour and give birth to our sleeping beauty. I did it; god knows how but my body did what it needed and after returning home for 2 days, we waited for the onset of labour to begin. 48 hours later the pains began, nothing major, more period pain style.
    So, off we went as per instruction, back to the maternity ward. Balloons, cards and presents adorned the ward. There we were in a haze of utter disbelief and agony knowing we would be leaving empty handed. A void in our life never to be filled.
    As we were shown to a side room the gentleness and compassion showed to us by each midwife was touching. The sterile environment of the hospital where my baby would be born seemed so harsh but I knew I needed to stay focused on the reality of the task in hand. After inserting the labour inducing drug events progressed.
    Just 1hr and 15 mins later my body took control; the urge to push overwhelmed me. As I lay on the bed my tummy twisted with each contraction that helped ease my baby through the birthing canal; natures intended journey. So why couldn't I be rewarded with the shrill scream of my newborn? In one final push our baby was there.
    I closed my eyes - disbelief, shock and immense emotion. My body involuntarily shaking beyond control, there was nothing I could do to control my arms and legs from their movements. I held my husbands hand thoroughout the whole experience - my true rock of support. It's easy to become consumed in my own grief, afterall, It was me who had to give birth, who had carried our baby. However, he had to watch me give birth to his child knowing the inevitable outcome. He was powerless but he'll never know how much love and support he gave me when I needed it most.
    The midwife took away our baby and it was then we found out, it was a beautiful baby girl. We had resisted all temptation to find out the sex at our routine and healthy scans at 12 and 20 weeks.
    Our beautiful little girl, our first child.
    They took her away to be washed and dressed. Initially I was so overcome with emotion that I didn't want to see or hold our baby. I can never thank the team enough for allowing me time to think carefully about this decision. Afterall, once she was buried or cremated I would never have the chance to hold her, to feel her and to kiss her tiny hand. I reasoned that no matter how tragic it felt to cradle my sleeping baby it couldn't be as terrible as the haunting thoughts I may experience at a later date knowing she never had a loving cuddle from her parents - the very people whose job it was to keep her safe.
    She was brought back into the room in a moses basket, her tiny body nestled in a swaddle of blankets dressed in a pink baby grow my friend had kindly bought for us.
    She looked like me -she definitely looked like her mum god bless her. Fortunately, she didn't have my big, famous 'spooner' big toe; they were definitely a trait from her father. I lay her on my lap and absorbed her tiny features. We studied her tiny hands and toes - all there, perfectly formed, just 10 weeks short of perfect life - how cruel life can be! We kissed her tiny hands, whispering to her how much we loved her. After spending precious time with her we finally said goodbye - With a final kiss we placed a photo of us from our wedding day sharing a loving kiss - a small gift for her to be buried with and to keep her safe.
    I'm overcome with grief and guilt - was it me? How could I have changed the outcome? This, compounded by the juxtaposition of taking every pre-pregnancy vitamin on the market, folic acid, healthy diet, not a whiff of alcohol and regular exercise only to be greeted by the selfish expectant mothers outside the maternity ward happily chatting, fag in hand! How can this be fair? Why us?
    We have the task of arranging the funeral ahead, fortunately my husband (who I could not live without) has taken the lead in such formalities; the pain is just too much for me.
    If anyone else has similar heartbreaking stories please feel free to share. We definitely want more children - obvioulsy this is too raw at the moment but if anyone else out there can offer us any hope for the future please get in touch.
    Night night sweetheart - sleep tight
    x

     
  3. Oh my gosh, I can't put into words how reading this has made me feel. I am sending you all the love and hugs and bestwishes through cyberspace. I am crying my eyes out for you that something so truely heartbreaking could happen.
    I can't say anything that will make you feel any better but I will be thinking of you.xxx
     
  4. I am sat here welling up after reading about your tragic loss.
    I have no experience of either motherhood or the loss of a baby, but didn't want to read and run.
    My thoughts, prayers and deepest sympathies go to you and your husband. Your little angle is with God - she'll be well cared for.
    xxx
     
  5. Unimaginable for those of us who have not been through it. My thoughts are with you and your husband and wider family at this terrible time.
    It must cause all kinds of soul searching and questioning, but I hope that you are soon able to process that this is not your fault. Not at all.
    I hope that the funeral helps you to say goodbye to your beautiful daughter.
    xx
     
  6. I'm so, so sorry for your loss.
    Although my experience is different, I have suffered the agony of giving birth to a child, our much loved and wanted first born, knowing he had already left us. Although I am now over 4 years on in our grief journey, reading your story I can recall the overwhelming grief, anger, guilt and gut wrenching emptiness as if it were yesterday. I spent hours trawling the internet, trying to find a reason. Why us?
    My best advice to you would be to get in tough with SANDS, the stillborn and neonatal death charity. They have a web site, bereavement group and forums which I found a huge comfort and support.
    You will get through this together. Losing our child changed my life in so many ways, surprisingly many for the better. I truly appreciate everyone in my life who is important to me, especially my precious OH. I am more patient, more tolerant and more empathetic than I ever was. Our son left me lots of gifts and I can now think of him and smile.
    I promise you that although life will never be 'normal' again, it will return to a different 'normal'. Light and hope will return and one day, you too, will be able to think of your precious girl and smile for the joy she brought you.
    I'm not sure you will want to read this but I've gone on to a healthy child and am expecting again - these are our blessings, our hope, looked after by a special big brother. I know your daughter will always be with you and wish you peace in the coming days, weeks and months.
    Take care x
     
  7. I know that there is nothing that can be said at the moment that will help your pain, but I didn't want to read and run. I too cried at your story.
    Your gorgeous little girl will live on in your thoughts, safe in the knowledge that you love her dearly.
    Thinking of you.
     
  8. Reading your story has been an overwhelming experience for me also. I have experienced the loss of a pregnancy but not at the same stage as yourself. It is very early days and your emotions will be very unsettled...remember this is not your fault....its good to hear that you have the support of your loving husband. You will probably not be thinking of this right now...but there are support groups out there so that you can share this with other people who have been through similar experiences. We have a annual Service at our Cathedral where other parents can come together and bless the children taken so early from us.

    I had already two children at the time of my loss and the feeling has to be the worst I have ever felt. I have since gone on to have a third child and I do believe it is the soul of the one I had lost...not many people will understand that but it is a coping mechanism for me.

    If I could send anything it would be strength to help you both get through this....the love of family and friends is important right now.

    Take care xx
     
  9. I'm not quite sure what to say - I'm just in floods of tears for you. I wrote a whole post and deleted the whole lot as I realised that what I was writing would do nothing to help you through your loss. Each time I think of what you have had to go through, I well up and before I know it, tears are falling down my face.
    You have an incredible strength to be able to write down the tragic events and your beautiful angel will know just how much she was (oh go d- crying again!) loved.
    Deepest sympathies to you all
    xxxxxxx

     
  10. I'm so deeply sorry. How you have found the strength to have so eloquently written about your experiences i cannot imagine.
    Wishing you strength for the hard times ahead and hoping you will find joy in your life again with your lovely husband.
     
  11. kissykissy - words cannot express the deep sorrow I feel for you. I don't know what to say or how to make you see that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel because what you've just experienced is awful and very, very unfair and cruel. I just hope you find comfort and peace one day soon. Sending many thoughts your way.
     
  12. ITA76

    ITA76 New commenter

    So so so sorry for your loss

    xx
     
  13. Nothing i can type can convey how truly sorry Iam for your loss. My heart ached when reading your story and you and your partner have returned to my thoughts all day. Please be kind to yourself xxxx
     
  14. I am so sorry for your loss.My thoughts are with you and i hope that you and your husband find the strength to help and supoort each other through this. Take care. xx
     
  15. toeinwater

    toeinwater New commenter

    What an awful thing to happen; such a sad story. I too have shed tears for you, though cannot begin to imagine what it must have been like or how you are feeling. Take comfort and support from each other and take each day as it comes. You are in my prayers.
     
  16. kissykissy, I can only echo what others have said. This is a truly awful thing to happen, and it is very brave and strong of you to share your story here so soon.
    I have a close friend whose little girl was stillborn two years ago - she still grieves for her, but has gone on to become a Mummy to a gorgeous little boy. I pray that the same will be true for you and your other half in the future.
     
  17. I am so so sorry for your loss. You're in my thoughts. xx
     
  18. sabby81

    sabby81 New commenter

    Absolutely heartbreaking. I am so so sorry for you and your husband x
     
  19. I am so very sorry to hear your sad news. x
     
  20. I am so sorry to hear your news. I second what someone said about contacting SANDS - I've heard they are very supportive (they helped a friend of mine who lost a baby late in pregnancy.) Take care of yourself and your OH. x
     

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