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Starting relationship within my department. Bad idea?

Discussion in 'Workplace dilemmas' started by Jb3498063, Nov 11, 2019.

  1. Jb3498063

    Jb3498063 New commenter

    I am a current NQT in my first term at a secondary school. I have grown close to a teacher in my department and he has been a real support to me, though he is not my actual mentor. He has made it clear he’d like to start a relationship with me. How bad an idea is this? I should probably also say he is older than me, and married with kids though he says he is currently separating from his wife. Could this affect my career?
    Pomza likes this.
  2. frustum

    frustum Star commenter

    I think you should be very wary. I'm pretty sure others have done this without it being career-jeopardising - I've certainly come across a few cases, although not NQTs. However, if he's still in the process of separating, I think it would be best to wait a good while yet before getting involved. Suppose he changes his mind. Suppose there's a lot of acrimony over the split. Suppose he's just on the rebound. Any of that is difficult to deal with, but if it's someone you work with then it's a lot harder to walk away if you need to. If it causes awkwardness within the department, it's probably not going to help you establish yourself. You've got plenty to concentrate on in your first year of teaching.
  3. 7eleven

    7eleven Senior commenter

    He’s married. Leave him alone.
  4. sooooexcited

    sooooexcited Occasional commenter

    Not with a barge pole.
  5. thebookyouwish

    thebookyouwish New commenter

    I bet he does.
  6. nomad

    nomad Star commenter


    Only very!

    But it won't half provide for some laughs amongst your colleagues in the staff room!

    Are you serious?
  7. nomad

    nomad Star commenter

    Not with barge pole attached to another barge pole even when wearing Marigold rubber gloves.
  8. Aquamarina1234

    Aquamarina1234 Star commenter

    I can think of lots of couples who met at school. I recall tearful breaktimes in the loo when they didn't work out, and endless ribaldry over new relationships.

    But I recall nothing but disapproval for adultery. Let him be off with the old relationship before on with the new. And to watch his step. If he's in any position superior to you he could be accused of taking advantage of a daft new girl.

    No fence.
    blazer, caress, tall tales and 12 others like this.
  9. starlightexpress

    starlightexpress Occasional commenter

    Only consider it when he is single and single for duration. You know he’s married with children so the judgement will be on you also. Likely on you more than him if people know him as a family man. If people know him as a player, despite being married, there’ll be bets on his next target.

    Relationships or suspected relationships (sometimes even non relationships) in schools become the gossip of the staffroom and playground (parents). In secondary you’ll have the students talking. This adds on pressure. School communities can become nasty places, particularly if there is view on you being young, attractive and talented as envy triggers in.

    This would taint your reputation in school and thus could affect your career.
  10. HolyMahogany

    HolyMahogany Occasional commenter

    Separated from his wife? He's a liar. He will make a fool of you.
    You can make friends with other single teachers of your own age group in the school and build a social life around them if you want to.
    blazer, caress, tall tales and 6 others like this.
  11. Lalex123

    Lalex123 Occasional commenter

    My friend dated a fellow teacher in our school. Not as messy as your situation but it still ended badly. It was awkward When they broke up because everyone around them felt they had to choose who to sit with at lunch etc. My friend wouldn’t come to any work events after it all finished and then he got a new girlfriend. My friend left teaching after that.

    As his ‘break up’ with his wife is still fresh, you’ll be the talk of the town if you date him and this gets out. Do you really want that negativity in your NQT year? Not only will it affect how people see you, it may even make staff less likely to socialise with you and then who do you turn to if you need help at work?
  12. Flowersinspring

    Flowersinspring Senior commenter

    Other brands of rubber gloves are available. I believe. Well, that's what I hear.
  13. Jamvic

    Jamvic Star commenter

    I remember my NQT year vividly and am amazed you’ve got the time or energy to even contemplate having an affair with a colleague.
  14. princesslegend

    princesslegend Occasional commenter

    If you REALLY believe he is leaving his wife and kids then more fool you.

    Oldest trick in the book.

    Leave it alone and get on with your career. Work is for working.
  15. wrldtrvlr123

    wrldtrvlr123 Occasional commenter

    What could go wrong? :confused::D

    Hopefully it's a wind up post.
  16. Corvuscorax

    Corvuscorax Star commenter

    If he is sincere, he will still be interested after the dust has settled on his marriage, in a year or two.

    personally, I'd put the chance of him being sincere as slightly less than 1%.
  17. minnie me

    minnie me Star commenter

    With my husband of 37 years .I was an NQT @ his school but it was a part time contract( maternity) and I moved on after a term and had lived abroad for a while and he was married with children ( unhappily ). Worked out for us ? Just sayin '
    BTBAM85 likes this.
  18. Corvuscorax

    Corvuscorax Star commenter

    so you hardly know him

    except you know he's a shag bandit


    manipulative, taking advantage of young, easily flattered , isolated, vulnerable, woman at a time of her life when judgement may be impaired

    no no no no no n o no no no no no no no no no no

    proabably lying

    yes, and your whole life.

    You are new in your career, you have not yet experienced the way teaching staff circulate within an area.

    I have worked in 6 schools in my borough. so have many of my colleagues. The network of local teachers means you will ALWAYS be working with someone who knows him, or knows his wife in ANY school within a hundred square miles.

    And he has children. And they will go to school. And that might be your school at some stage. And in the future, he will have grand children. and ditto

    You will be the one who eventually has to uproot yourself and leave the area to get away from the whole stinking mess.

    And where is your conscience, regarding his wife and children, anyway?
    Dodros, parseltongue, caress and 15 others like this.
  19. Piranha

    Piranha Star commenter

    The OP has other priorities.
  20. Corvuscorax

    Corvuscorax Star commenter

    And if you do settle down with him and start a family, how are you going to be feeling sat at home on maternity leave, up to your eyes in nappies and washing up, while he is out at work being a "real support" to other NQTs?
    blazer, Dinay, steely1 and 7 others like this.

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