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Starting a relationship with a former student?

Discussion in 'Workplace dilemmas' started by Anonraven1994, Jul 4, 2016.

  1. Anonraven1994

    Anonraven1994 New commenter

    Hi there, I'm actually the student here, and i'm wondering if I should just leave the man in question for the sake of his career/sick of sneaking around like there's actually something wrong here. I don't want to go into too much detail as we don't want to be recognised but we're both consenting adults.

    So a little background, we met when he joined my 6th form as a NQT. We're both in our twenties now and our 'relationship' I guess could say only started last year (the end of my second year of university) but he's still at the same school. During my time at school everything was completely above board and we only had brief contact over school email for the first 18 months or so.

    He loves where he works, and I don't want to jeopardise his future there but we're struggling to resist what we have. So, if, hypothetically anybody found out, what would be the worst case scenario?

    Many thanks,

    An adult who just wants to be with another.
  2. Compassman

    Compassman Star commenter

    Can't see an issue. You're both adults.

    It's none of the school's business.
    thekillers, nomad, les25paul and 6 others like this.
  3. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    Why the sneaking round? No need for it.
  4. englishteach101

    englishteach101 Occasional commenter

    shouldn't be an issue. You are, as you rightly say, both adults. I now work with some of my old teachers, I am in my 30's and they are now significantly older than when they taught me when I was at secondary school. It's a bit weird at times and I struggle with calling my old form tutor by her first name but other than that, it's totally fine. Did he teach you or was he just a teacher at your school?
    VeronicAmb likes this.
  5. Flere-Imsaho

    Flere-Imsaho Star commenter

    Do you mean started your relationship over school email or was the school email contact just the normal teacher/pupil interaction he'd have had with any other student?
    slingshotsally likes this.
  6. scienceteachasghost

    scienceteachasghost Lead commenter

    A few tongues might wag but I think the key is you are both in your 20s so above the water line of danger. If it has an impact on his career, its the school with the problem, not him (as long as the relationship genuinely started AFTER you were out of sixth form, the longer the gap the better!)
  7. purplecarrot

    purplecarrot Senior commenter

    I read it as 'after they left 6th form, they only communicated through the school email etc as a general keeping in touch thing and then after 18 months it became more than keeping in touch'.

    As long as there's no suggestion that the relationship started when you were a student I think you should be ok. But, do be prepared that people may hold doubts. If you carry on as if you'd met any other way I don't think its an issue.
  8. frustum

    frustum Star commenter

    I would just go carefully if you have siblings/friends still at the school - that could get more awkward. But the two of you are adults, and it sounds as if this began well after you left, so not exploitation of the pupil/teacher relationship.

    It might be worth him letting someone in school know - eg his line manager if he trusts them not to overreact. That would just be so that if some garbled rumour "Mr X was out with a pupil last night" comes in, they are aware of the situation. It's much easier to deal with hearsay if you know the facts than if you have to go and investigate.
    purplecarrot likes this.
  9. s10327

    s10327 Occasional commenter

    One of my teachers married one of my classmates about four years after we left school.

    Twenty years ago. Still married. Happily so.

    Relevant teachers/line mangers/gossipy peers have been thoroughly silenced by now.
    drek, ValentinoRossi and purplecarrot like this.
  10. DYNAMO67

    DYNAMO67 Lead commenter

    On the face of it I see nothing wrong but some things that could be a little awkward depending on a few circumstances. I don't know the nature of 1) how you met outside of a professional relationship 2) the nature of your relationship when at school or really the general context of how this relationship has come about. Whilst I am not suggesting anything that may jeopardise a career if it come out, even if the answers to 1 and 2 aren't great, it could get a little awkward in that particular one school.

    I don't think you should have to 'sneak around' but depending on the answer to Q1 I wonder whether a clean break for your partner in another school where this is no issue may be a good move. Again, I am not saying anyone has done anything wrong, but mud sticks so to speak, particularly if kids find out. May be easier for all concerned.
  11. caterpillartobutterfly

    caterpillartobutterfly Star commenter

    I don't think you should have to sneak around, but given that you are...

    It might be best if he has a chat with the head, to keep it all above board.

    It might be best if he comes to see you at university, rather than you go and pick him up from school. If you are only in your second year at university, some people you were at school with will still be there.

    People talk...and exaggerate, and twist things, and add to the story. By sneaking around you give them scope to do this. Be open and honest and you take the wind from their sails.
  12. harsh-but-fair

    harsh-but-fair Star commenter

    Blimey, the creative writing club really are struggling to come up with new dilemmas.
  13. DYNAMO67

    DYNAMO67 Lead commenter

    Suppose that may be the case, but to me this does not sound a too outlandish issue. I could see how this could happen, particularly between young teachers and sixth formers.

    I wonder whether you are both living in, and are visible in the town where he teaches and you went to school? If not, then there is less need for 'sneaking around'. Whilst I did suggest changing school this issue will diminish over time. You don't say your age. I suppose this is understandable. If you left, say, two years ago and are 19-20 then you are still relatively known to the school. If your user name gives your age as 22 OTOH then there won't be many students there who have knowledge of you?

    I would also be careful of putting this on social media if, as many young people do nowadays, you have scores of friends from your old school on there.
    ValentinoRossi likes this.

    ROSIEGIRL Senior commenter

    We have friends - happily married for 20 years or so - whose relationship started a couple of years after she left the school where he taught.

    I also know of a HT who married an ex student.

    Can't see a problem!
    calamansi likes this.
  15. FrankWolley

    FrankWolley Star commenter

    The problem could be that
  16. FrankWolley

    FrankWolley Star commenter

    The problem could be due to the fact that the teacher is still at the same school, and some people might assume or claim that the relationship started when one was teaching the other....
    DYNAMO67 and ValentinoRossi like this.
  17. andrew07

    andrew07 Occasional commenter

    I wouldn't do it.
  18. ValentinoRossi

    ValentinoRossi Star commenter

    Noooooooo!! HTs have real lives? :eek:

    S/he should write a book about it.
    wanet likes this.
  19. ValentinoRossi

    ValentinoRossi Star commenter

    Did we go to the same school?
  20. slingshotsally

    slingshotsally Star commenter

    I've reported my response in post 19 for aimless wittering, I do hope it's deleted soon. Could someone else complain to.


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