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Son refusing to leave house

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Newstein, Oct 17, 2019.

  1. sbkrobson

    sbkrobson Star commenter

    Never in my wildest dreams could I bring myself to treat somebody this way to whom I had given birth. I have never seen a less parent-like course of action.
    If my son were festering in a room and sponging off me in the fifth decade of his life I'd a) stop giving him stuff b) stop monitoring him for what he does and how he spends his time c) throw lots of noisy parties so he couldn't sleep at night d) hide kippers in his wardrobe and e) generally look forward and do nice things for myself rather than look backward and tell others what a failure he is.
    I absolutely would not bomb him with officious paperwork and promises of legal recourse just because he is inconvenient, disappointing and dissociated from society....our children may be all these things and worse, but if they are then they likely have nobody but us.
    I had my kids for life,not just for sixteen Christmases.
     
    Mermaid7 and guinnesspuss like this.
  2. Aquamarina1234

    Aquamarina1234 Star commenter

    I have no sympathy for this young man because I suppose I compare him with my own children who, as adults, have come back home for periods but at least got sorted and moved back out. But to stay and freeload? Are you sure there's no MH issue? He's just there because it's easier than going to work?
     
  3. ShowerGel

    ShowerGel Lead commenter

    You have stolen your son's reason for being and every shred of self esteem he could have had by giving him money.
    Shame on you.
    Everyone needs to earn their own living and achieve. If someone gives you money what is the point?
    My parents gave my sister everything from the age of 18 to the present day. Me nothing. She has never done a day's work in her life - just claimed benefits and 'extras' from her parents. They even bought her her council flat! Staggering isn't it?
    I have worked, supported myself and my children until they were adult and been completely independent and I know who the winner is.
    ME
    Everything I do I feel a great sense of pride that I do it myself from earning everything myself and paying off my mortgage to finding a builder to finding a lodger to fixing a shelf to buying a new phone.
    My self esteem is good and I know how to take care of me.
    My kids and I don't live in each other's pockets, but they have good jobs and are okay enough. They know how to take care of themselves.
    Thank you parents for giving me the gift of independence and shame on you for how you dealt with my sister.
     
  4. neddyfonk

    neddyfonk Lead commenter

    Unless you regard your offspring as being responsible with money you should buy the house in your name and charge them a peppercorn rent to give them some rights. They do not own the property , so they cannot sell it, but when you regard them as being responsible you simply change the title deeds ( I did this for my son without using a conveyancer ).
    Bit late for this suggestion - spilt milk and all that !
     
    caress likes this.
  5. Lalad

    Lalad Star commenter

    According to previous posts by the OP, they have been living and working in China for many years, so presumably the son has been looking after their house in the UK while they have been away - which does give a slightly different slant to the dilemma.
     
    nomad likes this.
  6. install

    install Star commenter

    Arrr....the solution is simple..Play him at his own game. He won't move out - so you move plenty of professional working people in. Charge them rent. And he will soon realise he is outnumbered. Use a rental company and change the locks if need be. Or get some mates to stay for a while. The more that see his awful behaviour the better.

    Who knows? He might even get jealous of your new tennants. If you have a big house - you could still stay as live in landlords.
     
  7. Duke of York

    Duke of York Star commenter

    I confess to being baffled what the problem is.

    Once you've exchanged contracts and moved out, his refusing to leave the house is the new owner's problem to deal with.

    If he still refuses to leave when the new owners move in, how many blows of a policeman's batton in his nuts can we imagine it will take before he quickly changes his mind?
     
  8. FrankWolley

    FrankWolley Star commenter


    Who would buy a house with someone in it who is refusing to move out? o_O
     
  9. smoothnewt

    smoothnewt Star commenter

    Was this a second property you owned, which you transferred? If so, did it not constitute “a gift” and incur capital gains tax?
    I ask as I am wanting to transfer my share of an inherited property to my nephews, but as this will be a gift in legal terms I will have to pay CGT, even though I am not selling it and making any personal financial gain.
     
  10. Dunteachin

    Dunteachin Star commenter

    Er, the OP is quiet...
     
    Dragonlady30 and catmother like this.
  11. gainly

    gainly Lead commenter

    I don't think that's allowed these days.
     
    nomad and Dunteachin like this.
  12. nomad

    nomad Star commenter

    Do that and their status changes from excluded occupier with no rights to live there, to tenant with a set of legal protections.
     
    border_walker likes this.
  13. BelleDuJour

    BelleDuJour Star commenter

    Just move.
    And don't give him a key to new place.
    It's not THAT difficult.
     
    monicabilongame and Jamvic like this.
  14. Rott Weiler

    Rott Weiler Star commenter Forum guide

    It doesn't work that way though. You contract to sell with 'vacant possession' so if son is still there you can't complete the sale.
     
  15. FrankWolley

    FrankWolley Star commenter


    My point is that if I looked round a house and found a 40 something son living there, I'd be asking questions and would probably not proceed any further if I had even the slightest suspicion that he was being difficult.
     
    ShowerGel likes this.
  16. HelenREMfan

    HelenREMfan Star commenter

    I did come across this when I was selling my last house. Elder child came home to live after she ended her first marriage and had a life changing issue with work. She has had periods of ill health and has spinal stenosis which has brought all kids of problems with it. I had to give all sorts of assurances that she was moving with us and had no 'title' to the house I was leaving.
    The new place has 3 rooms built onto the garage.... a bedroom, lounge and shower room, so an annexe. Meanwhile she remarried and brought new husband over here. They have lived with us for the past 2 years but as her ex partner has now moved out of the 2 bed bungalow I own.... she and husband have left and moved into the bungalow (paying the £400 a month rent which has been in place approx 9 years!) So far they have spent £900 on decorating/cleaning. refurbishing - new curtains etc and this has been offset against the rent (so no rent for 3 months)
    Still there have been some benefits..... whilst OH worked during the evenings she would come in and make me cups of tea, dog sitting and a presence in the house. I do know the younger child resented all this.... but... you end up "helping" the offspring. Now though at 44 she is living independently of me again. I can see how the OP 'fell into' all this.
     
  17. install

    install Star commenter

    Agree but its not what I suggested for the son..
     
  18. monicabilongame

    monicabilongame Star commenter

    Come back and say this when you have lived with this situation, or worked closely with people who are living with this situation.
    I have worked with parents who have evicted their grown up children who have basically been doing nothing for themselves and expecting parents not only to house them (and their partners/children etc.) but pay for it all. And I have worked with parents who are in the same situation but cannot bring themselves to act in such an 'unparental manner' - and I which of those parents are the ones who are now much more mentally stable, less stressed, happier, more confident, not in fear of losing their homes or their health, and feel much more in control of their lives....and no longer fear their grown-up children's manipulation and coercion. The ones who still have their grown-up children at home are progressively becoming more depressed, more stressed, more fearful, older, less confident and poorer. But hey, if that's what you think parenting is all about, then crack on.
     
    eljefeb90, knitone, install and 5 others like this.
  19. moonpenny

    moonpenny Occasional commenter


    I think you need to give more information about your situation as it’s hard to give advice based on the info you have given

    You say you are sick of seeing your son wasted - do you mean drink/ drugs?

    What were the fruitless ventures?

    Has your son been housesitting?

    I think the fact that he is still living with you in his 40s through choice is quite unusual - I think most people want independence when they become adults unless personal circumstance mean they need somewhere to live - like Helen's daughter - I think it’s pretty common that young people and older ones can find themselves temporarily in the need of somewhere to live, especially around London where rents are sky high

    Is there something else going on with him which means he is still so reliant on you? As others said, are you sure he doesn’t have some mental health stuff going on ?

    it sounds like you are really fed up with your son and feeling quite drained - I’m not surprised


    Not sure how this has all come about but you are obviously feeling quite desperate and it sounds as though you have been quite soft with your son

    I hope you will come back to the thread and explain things a bit more as that might help us give constructive advice

    Sounds like you’ve worked hard all your life and are now wanting to wind down which you’ve every right to do
     
  20. Rott Weiler

    Rott Weiler Star commenter Forum guide


    I understood OP's problem to be that they can't sell unless they can get their son out of the house first. No-one would buy a house that wasn't 'vacant possession on completion'.
     
    HelenREMfan likes this.

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