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Son refusing to leave house

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Newstein, Oct 17, 2019.

  1. Newstein

    Newstein New commenter

    University dropout.
    Never found work.
    Spent our savings, 200K on fruitless ventures. Flopped.
    Living with us now for 12 years.
    He's in sound mental health.
    Tired of seeing him wasted.
    We want to sell up and buy/rent a smaller place,
    To scale down and retire.
    He refuses to move out, even when promised free rent and food elsewhere.
  2. FrankWolley

    FrankWolley Star commenter

    I think you need to seek legal advice from a solicitor.
  3. koopatroopa

    koopatroopa Senior commenter

    I thought you already downsized to go to China? Did that fall through?
  4. Dunteachin

    Dunteachin Star commenter

    I'm sorry? You gave him £200k?

    I really hope this is a wind up!

    If not, you've allowed it to happen.
    Newstein, caress, suzuki1690 and 12 others like this.
  5. foroff2233

    foroff2233 New commenter

    I have a partner who has bought each of her children a house to get them out of the house. They later sold their flat/house. Both went 'travelling' a few times. Neither has a job or career. Now my partner is contemplating, at the age of 66, getting a mortgage to help one onto housing market for the second time!
    She is in debt at a time when she should have a nest egg for retirement. She has a well- paid job and says she has to keep working to finance the indolence of her offspring.
    This is clearly madness but she has enabled her children in their freeloading lives. Children are now both in their forties. One has given her 3 grandchildren! So now, more mouths to feed. Family therapy??
  6. BertieBassett2

    BertieBassett2 Star commenter

    Good Lord! I don't believe what I'm reading here! When did people start to lose a grip on their children? I agree with Dunty - this is all down to you. Why were boundaries not put in place long ago to ensure your child could function in society and not freeload off his parents? Sorry if this sounds harsh but it doesn't sound as if expectations were adequately put in place. Downsize and move house - it's not your son's decision, it's yours! Take control now!
    Newstein, caress, suzuki1690 and 12 others like this.
  7. nomad

    nomad Star commenter

    Your son is NOT a tenant in the eyes of the law. At the very most he is a lodgers/sub-tenant, and at the very least he is merely a guest, being over the age of majority.

    The proper term is excluded occupier. An excluded occupier does not need a court order to be evicted. You only need to give reasonable notice, and although verbal notice is legally is accepted, written notice is always better.

    There is no steadfast rule on what constitutes reasonable notice but a fortnight would be a reasonable notice period.

    If the notice period ends, you may self-help without the use of violence including changing the locks and putting his items outside. You may risk a civil action if any of his items are damaged through negligence.

    If you find that he is NOT willing to move you can proceed to get a court to order the eviction.

    It may be helpful to give him some money when leaving as a "get started" package. Especially in family situations it reduces the stress and long term issues. Additionally you have a much higher chance of them leaving voluntarily. If he do not leave on his own, you then have the expense and aggravation of going to court.

    If you put in the letter, "In consideration for you leaving on or before "date" I am giving you £200 as start-off money." Give it as a cheque, and you will then have another layer of evidence to support any eviction if needed.
  8. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    "Here you go son, to assist with your relaxed lifestyle we've bought you a special sleeping chair. Just pull the sleepy hood over your face and it's good night..


  9. nomad

    nomad Star commenter

    caress likes this.
  10. Marshall

    Marshall Star commenter

    Madness - I agree that some parents have lost the plot.

    Children need to grow up and be independent and if they aren't then it's because they've been pampered too long.

    Kick him out!
  11. Jamvic

    Jamvic Star commenter

    Just do it then. I can’t see the people who buy your house letting him stay on.
  12. monicabilongame

    monicabilongame Star commenter

    Serve him a notice of eviction. In writing. It might be worth getting a solicitor to write the letter if you feel you need the weight of a 'professional' to make it real to him.
    Give him one month to find a place.
    Advise him that if he has not left by the due date he will be evicted - by the police if necessary. Preferable to liaise with police in advance if you think he will kick off or be violent.
    Pack up his stuff and be ready to change the locks.
    Give him the number of the local council so he can get details of hostels.
    Presume his name is not on the deeds - so just go ahead and start the selling-up process. You do not have to wait for him to leave before doing so.
    Do not be blackmailed or manipulated into waiting, OR funding his rent/food or anything else.



    I have worked with a couple of clients who have had to make this decision. Their adult children have survived. Yours will to, but he isn't going to make any effort unless he is forced to.

    Edited to add: if you need any 'justification' for taking this action, point out that he's spent all your savings and that you're forced to downsize. Also, that he has had his inheritance so not to expect anything more in the future. What remains in your bank accounts is entirely yours.
  13. Doglover

    Doglover Occasional commenter

    He clearly isn’t really of sound mental health, is he?
    lizzy9, Newstein, caress and 5 others like this.
  14. emerald52

    emerald52 Star commenter

    I think he is very sane and calculating. Why bother working while the gravy train rolls along? Time to be hard hearted for all your sakes.
  15. Rott Weiler

    Rott Weiler Star commenter Forum guide

    That's raises a good but wider point. What provision are you making for him in your Will and do you need to review this?

    You don't have to answer this of course, but is he your only child?
    Newstein, emerald52, nomad and 2 others like this.
  16. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    In spring, how early does he go "Cuck-oo cuck-oo"?
  17. hhhh

    hhhh Lead commenter

    It used to be normal for people to get married and get their own house. Now it's seen as abnormal to get married at 21. I'm not saying all cases are so extreme, but I know lots of people who still have their children living with them/accepting meals/money/lifts/free childcare at 20 and beyond.

    And arguably society causes this-why should a parent's income be taken into account when a child starts university? By then they should be classed as an adult-why should it be assumed that a parent will pay for them?
    Newstein likes this.
  18. Dunteachin

    Dunteachin Star commenter

    Yeah, but this bloke's 42.
  19. Bedlam3

    Bedlam3 Star commenter

    I too am shocked that you have allowed this to happen. 200k!
  20. Nellyfuf2

    Nellyfuf2 Senior commenter

    Been there but kinder not of sound mental health. Very anxious or something like that. Or bonkers maybe. Dropped out of Uni. Got and lost a lot of jobs. Very difficult to live with. Feared child would still be there when we were in our dotage. Draining. Depressing. Often aggressive.
    It's so hard to make them take off on their own if they are vulnerable.
    Shoo away.
    We do them no kindness by picking up their slack.
    The world is a place they need to be. Others will give them proper feedback. Parents can never do this.
    Best let fly. Push out of nest.
    love Nelly

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