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So upset. Not sure if I am more annoyed with myself or OH.

Discussion in 'Parenting' started by emilee, Feb 13, 2011.

  1. I'm sat crying downstairs, OH gone to bed.
    This has been brewing for a while. I teach full time, and have been since LO was 5 months old. LO now nearly 9 months. Not something I particularly wanted to do, but financially this seemed the only viable option.
    My guilt has become overwhelming recently, to the point nwhere I am distraught when I get home after parents' evening with LO already fast asleep, and teary a lot of other evenings when I get home. I think me be emotional is also down to tiredness and pressures at work. Last week, I said to OH I couldn't cope with it any more and I wanted to apply for 3 days a week. He has already applied for part time (we had originally agreed this as I am the higher earner).
    As you all know work life balance is very tricky, especially when you have a family. The work hours are massive and I don't know how to have a work life balance any more. I can't go in early any more, and rarely can stay late. I thought keeping one day free at the weekend would be ok, but OH was angry tonight saying I hardly spend any time with them and he has made me feel even more guilty. I am very angry and upset right now as I don't think he had any right to say that. He knew full well that if I can't stay late, or get in early, the work had to be done sometime - and I can't see any other time than after LO in bed, and 1 day weekend. It's not like I actually want to do all this ****!!! But it's my job!!
    I've already said no to 4+ hours of extra curricularm I don't know what else I can do. He seems to think I can just say no to anything after school. How can I make him see that being a teacher isn't like the vast majority of jobs? I do 1 hour 3-4pm Y11 GSCE revision, and 1 meeting till 4.30pm. Other nights I can (and frequently do) leave with the students. I have a 30-40 minute commute.
    Sorry for long post. Thanks for reading xxx Feels good to get it off my chest.
  2. emmamc252

    emmamc252 New commenter

    I don't think anyone who isn't a teacher can ever really understand our job, I know my husband thinks I make mountains out of mole hills a lot!
    I am expecting our first and think the whole "having it all" idea, or a career and a family is virtually impossible, I think there are always choices and sacrifices to be made, it's upto you where you want to make them but I personally am already learning that we are not super women and you can't have everything.
    My boss took 6 weeks maternity with both of her children and makes jokes about how the childminder did a good job of raising her kids, in fairness she has had a very prosperous caterer drives a jag and has a huge house (hubby is slt too) but despite my Renault Clio n a more modest house n the fact I admire her greatly professionally, I don't want to be her. That's not what I want from life if that makes sense.
    I want a career but I want a life too.
    I personally think if you feel dropping to 3 days is going to make you happy go for it! You can make more money when the kids go to school!
    Just a thought but are you thinking of having any more any time soon? If so it may be worth hanging onto full time to get full maternity benefits and pay.
    We are expecting our first and I'm planning to go back full time after 18 weeks, as for you because of the financial implications. We are hoping to have 2 relatively close together, when I go back after 2nd I would hope to drop to 3 days.
    Don't know if that helps but just do what's right for you, you only get one life so live it the way you want to!
  3. Hi there, so sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed at the mo. Didn't want to read and run, sorry if this doesn;t read very well!
    Couple of things - clearly he knew what you were working before baby, can you sit down together and work out a plan together? Tell him again what you need time to do. I'm intending to have nights free in the week aftrer LO goes to bed, but will be going in early aocuple of days. I think he's maybe right about the weekend - you need time to chill out, relax and enjoy your family!
    Is there anyway you can stay even an extra hour on the days you don't have after school commitments? Leaving with the students frequently means you won't have enough time in school to do anything! I would think about talking baout days when you would stay a bit later to give you the evening free, or at least cut down on your working time at night.
    Big thing for me is the boring jobs that take time - get onto online grocery shopping if you haven't already done so - first time is a pain buit it gets quicker. Make a meal plan for the week that eway whoever's home first knows what's for dinner and can peel a few spuds. I make double when makig stews /pasta sauces and freeze half so you can leave dinner out the night before.

    Sometimes I htink we put ourselves under pressure to everything perfectly. I used to do all my laminating and cutting out because my classroom asst was a bit wonky with the scissors, for crying out loud! Soemtimes "good enough" is the best solution.

    Go and have a chat with OH - take Monday night off for a bit of romance! Hope things work out x

  4. I hope you're feeling better this morning! I am going back to work in June/July and dreading the work life balance as my OH does no housework (he does cook, but to be honest, the mess he makes just means more work for me!) Reading your post, I think you need to decide what you working hours are and stick to them. I'm planning on something like this: at work 8-4.30, with LO 5.00-7.30, school work til 8.30 and housework til 9.30. At the weekend see if you can get your OH to agree to taking LO out for a solid block of time or shut yourself away as you'll get much more done in a short space of time if you are away from LO, then you can join them for fun after- again I plan to use 4-5 hours on sunday morning. If I can't get it done in that time (which if my Maths is working at this time of day is about 50 hours) then it won't get done! I agree with glitterkid that maybe you should stay later at school and get things done before you pick your LO one up?
    Of course, I might be talking rubbish as I haven't done it yet, but I hope it will work. Me and OH are both going to be working full time- I think the house is just going to get dirty during term time!
  5. Hey emilee, just popped in to see how things are going - glad to see you've mad eit up with OH! Agree with what other shave said about getting time away from LO to do work - you do get so much more done.

    Sucks that OFSTED will be with you soon - hopefully you'll not have too much extra to do to prep!
    I think the timetable is a good idea. Soemtimes the idea of writing something down sounds a bit silly, but when things are on paper they seem harder to break from! I'd love to do that thing where you and your partner have a llist of household jobs and you each tick which jobs are "his" and which are "yours". i think the reuslts could be quite interesting if we were to do one of those!
    Hope things get back on track soon. take care.
  6. Interesting - I went back full time after having my daughter and found it too much. I do disagree with the 'teaching being worse' though - I taught previously for 7 years so have a fair idea! Any demanding job full time after having a baby is hard. I also have to battle to leave the office on time and often just can't. I think that the perception of teaching that it is easy and 'fits in with kids' is the problem. My mother makes the occasional comment that I should 'go back to it as it would fit in once my daughter is at school'. I really think that a lot of people think that teachers only work for 6 hours per day and therefore can do all the pick ups etc.
    I'm now doing 3 by the way, it's much better!
  7. Hi Emilee,
    I'm a bit further down the line family wise and wanted to mention something from that perspective.
    I and many of my friends have been in your position at different times, thinking your thoughts.
    It seems to be very important to recognise the way you feel and to have OH recognise the way you feel. That's a big step forward.
    After that, the answer is usually in the medium to long term. Having one small baby is not actually the most fulfilling bit of parent hood. Being the mum at the school gate when your child starts school is a really powerful time.
    The needs of a baby are quite straight forward and can be met by others. The needs of your children, when they are a bit older, are more complex and personal. Your time will mean masses.
    One of my friends worked full time (her husband was the main earner) until her children were 7 and 2. Then she was made redundant with 6 months notice that it was going to happen (they gave her a maternity cover with delayed redundancy). In those 6 months she planned to set up her own business working with her husband from home (for now). There lives are totally different now.
    So - slowly and carefully, start to explore different ideas about the future you and you husband will have. And in the mean time - yes the terms are hell. But the holidays are good. xxxxx
  8. Good response weebecka- I am desperately hoping that a mornings only job comes up somewhere so that I can be there to pick my child(ren) up from school- being a teacher of year 1 children I see how important it is for them to have someone close picking them up. But in the meantime I take comfort from your words- working full time now to save money to take more time off when baby number two comes along. Emilee- hope you and OH have found a better balance now. Mine sometimes says (sometimes jokingly and other times not!!) that I have 3 months of the year off so shouldn't moan about anything work-related, ever!! Grr xx
  9. Turning your dreams into reality
    first of all you have to dream.

    Enjoy dreaming together. Get to know each other again as your hopes and dreams and aspirations change.
    Explore yourselves.
    Try to focus on the process not the outcome.
    You have plenty of time.

    Week after week after week we lurched exhausted out the door. No makeup on. Hair unbrushed. No hall mirror to remind us. Baby shoved in buggy. Bag stuffed full of everything. We tucked quietly into a corner in our local - quite on a Wednesday.
    At night baby was always my responsibility. OH didn't wake. In the mornings he slept, exhausted from his long working week. On Wednesday evenings it was different. There we were equal. There we shared our baby. We ate well. We talked. We were human. There we walked hand in hand into our future.

    give 'im a slap.
  10. Er - yes as you might notice on the other thread, er, didn't get it right first time.
    Neither did OH with either of his first two families.
    Nailed it this time though.[​IMG]I've only just realised this was a zip it emoticon. I though it was someone smoking a spliff. Oh well. I prefer the spliff version.

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