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so fed up!

Discussion in 'Personal' started by anon1369, Jan 19, 2011.

  1. I have just been informed by my mum that I need to either be at home more often or move out. I have recently moved back home after living with my partner for a year but as neither of us have a steady income we had to move back home. My mum practically begged me to come home and has been trying to persuade me to stay at home for a few years.
    I share my time between home and my partners (who also lives with his parents). I usually only stay at home 2/3 times a week, spending all weekend with partner as we often go out in the night etc.
    I have just been informed by my mum that I need to make a decision and either live at home full time or move into partners parents (which I cant because there is no room) and stop floating inbetween. Trust me if I had a reliable income I would be finding my own place and as soon as I get a job I will be out of there.
    Don't get me wrong I appreciate the things my mum does for me and I have told her not to do my washing etc but she still does. At the moment I am out all day from 8am to 6pm with other commitments and/or supply work so all I do at the end of the day is eat tea and go to bed.
    This seems to have stemmed from me not answering my phone before when she rang because I was busy - and apparently I am always busy? - Yes this often happens when she rings me 10+ times a day.
    What can I say/do? I told her when I moved back home that I wouldn't be home all the time. It's not even like all my spare time is spent with my partner either - I am often out and about on my own! Arghhhh I just want a job so I can move out now!
     
  2. I think the problem is squarely with her. She seems to expect you to behave in a manner appropriate to a ten year old. It's her house, so I suppose her rules, but FWIW I think she is being totally, completely unreasonable.
     
  3. doomzebra

    doomzebra Occasional commenter

    I told her when I moved back home...

    It is her home, she can set whatever conditions she likes, rather than have you dictate the terms. Accepther terms or move out (I am presuming you are an adult)
     
  4. I agree with Lily.
    I've got older children living back at home, they've been here since June. We're rather glad when they're out and about and doing their own thing because they're adults and do adult things.
    Frankly, much as I love my grown up children, it's nice to go back to having a quiet house and a bit of space sometimes. I quite like being able to get into the bathroom when I want to as well[​IMG].
    Never, ever would I ring them that many times a day. They need to be independent.
    That sounds more judgemental on your mum than I intend - I'm sure she wants the best for you and misses you when you're not there.
     
  5. Blimey, it may be her home but if she asked you to move back and you made it clear you wouldn't be in much then she is being far from reasonable! Is she just really lonely or something??
     
  6. Haha yes I am an adult (well young 20s!) and I pay keep etc but largely provide all my own food and things. I know its her house and her rules but she still treats me like a child and tries to impose rules on me regarding how often I stay out etc. I think she has forgotten that I have grown up.
    On another note, yes she is lonely. She has always been a single parent and although my brother lives at home he lives in his room and so mum only has the dog for company. I do appreciate she has had it difficult and spends all her time working or looking after nan.
    I had this issue back when I was 17 which led me to moving out and so really this is the first time in 5 years that I have lived at home!
    My partner doesnt tend to stay at mine as he's a student and so it means I would have to get up even earlier to drop him at home before I go out for the day. Also meaning he has to get up super early for no reason. I think to her it must seem that because I am out all day, I am spending all day in my partners - when in actual fact I am not. But saying that, sitting in watching **** on the tv is much more entertaining than watching it on my own at home!
     
  7. marshypops

    marshypops New commenter

    Do you let her know what you are up to during the day etc? I would make a point of reminding her that when you're in school you can't answer the phone (for a start). Then make an effort to stay in (evenings) at least 4 times a week. After that perhaps a calm chat with her will make her see sense?
    I can't imagine making this type of demand on my own children!
     
  8. Before my boyfriend (well he's my husband now) and I lived together (6 years ago) he practically lived with me at my parents house. I couldn't stay at his house as he shared a room with his brother (at 25..but house wasn't so big.) His mum never made demands on him like that.
    I would just sit down with your mum and have a heart to heart and try and get to the root of the problem. At the end of the day you're both adults, so have an adult coversation and see if you can come to some sort of agreement. Personally I think you should be able to spend your time where you like.
     
  9. Richie Millions

    Richie Millions New commenter

    From you original post the words hotel and taking advantage spring to mind sweetie. Make your own way in the world at whatever cost.
     
  10. I think if you can make some kind of commitment in advance, yes I'll be home on Tues, Wed, Fri for the evening unless work gets in the way.
    Do the two of you ever get the chance to be together out of the house? Your relationship might get a better footing if the two of you did the grocery shopping together, or some similar activity. She could have the chance to see you in a different, adult, independent light rather than as just her child in her house.
    I really can't help much because I've never been in her position, let alone felt the way she seems to.
     
  11. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    All we ask of our kids when they're home is that they don't wake us up if they're coming in at some ungodly hour, and they give us an idea before they go out if they're sleeping in the house or not. My eldest buys most of her own food, comes and goes as she pleases, and brings friends round whenever she likes, My youngest's boyfriend practically lives in the house whenever she's back from Uni. We enjoy the peace and quiet when they're not home, and we enjoy their company when they are, but we accept they have their own lives and their own routines to follow.

    Imposing rules beyond basic respect for the property and the owners' and neighbours' right to a good night's sleep seems a bit oppressive if you're into your twenties CrazyChemist. Mind you, our liberal attitude to the family hotel is the product of some major conflicts we had when the eldest was younger. We decided to back off, let her grow up in her own way and opt for the quiet life, and it works for us.
     
  12. My mum has said that I am treating the house like a half-way house and just using it as a place to store all my stuff. Yes I am not there that often but surely it doesnt matter seeing as I am paying keep although I am not using much of the utilities etc. This was only a temporary arrangement anyway until I secure a job and as my partner finishes uni soon hopefully he will get a job pretty quick so we can move back out again.
    Even on the days when I am at home I get asked why I am there - so I can't win either way because apparantly I am only there when my partner goes out.
    I spoke to my (younger) brother who said he has also been given an ultimatum to buck his ideas up or move out. He always stays at home but is pretty lazy so I can see that she is annoyed by him. I don't know why she has suddenly decided to get so annoyed.
    I have been told to 'make a grown up decision and choose between being at home or being in my partners'. I am so annoyed and cant believe she is being so unreasonable like this. To make matters worse it has caused an argument between me and my partner now! Arghhhhh
     
  13. Crowbob

    Crowbob Established commenter

    Seems she is right.
    Doesn't matter to you, but it does to her.
    She is likely feeling wounded. In her eyes you only have time for her when your partner is not there or when you want a bed to sleep in. ~You admit she is lonely. She probably just wants to know that she is wanted/needed and not second fiddle to your partner. She also probably wants consistency in when you are home or out. Maybe she is waiting at home for you to come home and then 1) you don't 2) you go back out 3) she realises you are only there when your partner is absent.
    I tend to agree with her. I quote a very wise woman who often says, you seem to want the penny and the bun.

     
  14. how about moving out? being a lodger perhaps, or in a house share...
     
  15. Eva_Smith

    Eva_Smith Established commenter

    I'm sorry but I think what we have here is a classic case of the parent being thoroughly miffed that the adult 'child' has a life of their own.
    Your mum invited you to move back home and now she is annoyed that you are not in the house all that often, daily showing your undying gratitude. Fact of the matter is...it IS halfway house. You and your mum agreed that you would move back in until you and your partner were able to afford a place of your own. What did she expect you to do? Stay home every night, have your boyfriend sleep over in a separate bedroom like when you were 15?
    So long as you are keeping the house clean and tidy when you are there; do not roll home drunk at 2am; disturb her peaceful life; hog the TV remote; swan in when you feel like it and expect to be waited on hand and foot....I don't see why she's got any reason to think you are taking advantage. You are paying your way, contributing to household bills and making minimal use of the 'facilities' thus causing less inconvenience for her.
    Clearly, when she offered you somewhere to live while you and your partner saved up, she expected you to be home every night.
    What I can't believe is that, last month, some posters on TES got shirty with a mother who posted about her son turning up at midday on Christmas day, drunk, with presents he'd got his friend to buy on his behalf...they actually defended the son's right to do what he wanted. Now posters are happy to condemn a daughter who behaves far better that the afore mentioned son. That's the trouble with this place....no consistency.
     
  16. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    If your family home can't be a refuge when you're 'between jobs' and short of dosh when can it be? Our house is small, and our garage is stuffed with both our kids' belongings until they move on to the next stage of their lives. My eldest is quitting her job soon and moving back home prior to travelling abroad in the spring. There'll be the occasional clash of lifestyles, but there always was, so no problem here. What exactly is your mum expecting of someone who's been away at Uni for (at least) three years? Do you have to sit at home all day watching CBBC and sucking a lollypop or something? Do you think it might be related to the job situation you've outlined in another thread?
     
  17. When I originally mentioned I would be moving back home, mum was trying to persuade me to stay for 5 years to enable us to save up for a deposit. I knew I would not be doing this because it would lead to my insanity.
    I think part of the problem is that I haven't lived at home since I was 17 and so going back at 23 effectively gives mum her child back. But I am not a child! I know she is annoyed at me because I haven't chased up the job centre regarding JSA which they owe me. But this is because I don't want to claim it - although I was entitled to it (and still am depending on whether I get supply work or not) because I am not going to allow some idiot to patronise me and look down on me.
    Having done a PGCE im sure you can imagine I have A LOT of paperwork! I do keep it all together on shelves and my stuff is all in one room. Herein lies another problem. Mother gave me the biggest bedroom (which isnt mine and I didnt want it) because she didnt want me having stuff all over the place. But really this is not my room so even if I have all my stuff in it and not cluttering up the house, she still moans about it being untidy and moves stuff around etc. The room also has everybody elses wardrobes in it because the other rooms are too small. So its not like I can lock it and say keep out.
    I don't know what has suddenly caused this reaction. When I am at home all I do is sit in my room on the pc. I haven't got a tv in my room because there is no aeriel so I am effectively sat there doing nothing and bored. But in my partners we can go out or watch tv or play on the wii or go on the treadmill (haha yes I enjoy this[​IMG] . I'm sure she has forgot that I am out all day (helping a family member while supply is dead) and neither of us get home till gone 6pm, by which point its PJ time, tea time and bed time!
     
  18. Would you rather live under a bridge?

     
  19. PlymouthMaid

    PlymouthMaid Occasional commenter

    She is being unreasonable but i expect it does stem from loneliness and maybe a bit of disappointment. When you said you were moving back, maybe she pictured more cosy evenings in with you for company than can actually be the case as you are a young adult with a partner and a social life, not to mention work. I would tell her that you would love to stay with her for the time being but you really do need to be out as much as you are. Could you suggest one special mum and daughter evening a week, nice dinner, great tv and conversation. If this doesnt work then you should probably just save up and move asap.
     

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