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so annoyed at OHs behaviour since baby arrived :(

Discussion in 'Parenting' started by truelove, Apr 29, 2011.

  1. Hi, I just need to rant really and in the last few weeks i have found that the people on here are able to sympathise and offer advice / support so here goes!
    I am getting seriously fed up of my OH and his selfish behaviour - to an extent he has always been selfish and put his needs and wants first but since the birth of our daughter 7 weeks ago i am finding his behaviour increasingly difficult to deal with.
    In the 7 weeks since she was born he has been out at least once a week drinking with his friends and i don't mean just a quick drink - he leaves around 10 or 11 in the morning and returns around 11 or 12 at night. When he is in the house he doesn't help with any thing around the house or with the baby. If I ask him to help with her so I can do anything around the house he is shouting me to take her back after 5 minutes. My mum has to come round every day to look after my daughter while i have a bath and something to eat as my daughter is going through a phase of screaming every time she is put down. There have been regular occasions when I have been in tears having sat with a crying baby all day and he just carries on with things like reading a book and browsing the internet.
    When I was pregnant we booked a few nights in a hotel for this weekend so that we could attend a friends wedding, I really looked forward to it as it would be lovely to have a change of scenery after a difficult birth and exhausting first few weeks of being a mum - when our baby was two weeks old he decided it would be more convienient for him if me and the baby stayed at home, so today he went and I am left holding the baby, feeling exhausted and taken for granted. He has even taken my credit card to pay for what was meant to be our break and which has now turned into a long weekend of fun and drinking for him and a long weekend of no sleep for me. And I know it sounds funny but he has even taken the toothpaste from the bathroom with him, leaving me to drag the baby out late at night to buy some more.
    I feel like I'm moaning but I feel so fed up with it all, I'm getting to the point where I almost wish he would just go and leave me to be a single mum because at least then I wouldn't be wasting what little energy I have left getting annoyed with him.
    Sorry to moan so much but feel I have nowhere to turn :(

  2. (((truelove))) Don't think I can help in any way, but really do feel for you as I do not know how I would have coped without my OH. You must be an amazing person to be caring for your baby whilst going through all this.
    Stupid question, but you don't say in your post whether you've talked to him about how you feel? I assume you have, what does he say?
    I think some men regress when faced with such huge responsibility, not to excuse his actions in any way though. How was your relationship before the baby? Has he bonded with your daughter?
    Sorry for only asking questions, but really would love to know more so we can help you better.
  3. hugs to you - sounds like a rotten few weeks!
    although it seems he is certainly taking the p**s - before i go calling him names, just thinking about a few things that may be causing this behaviour....
    • were you guys trying for a baby for long, is it something he really wanted?
    • was he supportive during the pregnancy and involved in all the planning before baby's arrival?
    • your difficult birth - maybe that freaked him out and scared him and he still coming to terms with it? have you spoken about it
    • is he the first of his friends to have a baby? maybe finding it hard to adjust and wants to still be one of the lads?
    • did he have paternity leave - was there time with you and baby to be alone?
    • does he get on with your mum if she there everyday?
    i am in no way trying to be on his side and agree he being a pain. i have 2 kids and know that many times i have thought about being better off as a singleton as have a hubby who doesn't help around the house and i do remember the early days as he adjusted to parenthood there were lots of drinking nights.........hang in there and it ill turn around.........
  4. Thank you for your speedy replies............so a little more info.....
    We tried for over two years to have a baby and needed lots of tests and used clomid to concieve, we both were desperate for a child.
    During the pregnancy he was interested and supportive and seemed excited although i did most of the shoping for baby things.
    He wasn't around for most of my labour - he made the choice to go home and my mum stayed with me (it was a LONG labour) although he was there for the actual birth. For vaious reasons i have found it difficult to discuss the labour since as it was not a happy time for me.
    We are pretty much the last of our circle to have children, our close friends all have children ranging from todlers to early teens. So its not like he is having to grow up before his time.
    He took two weeks paternity and three weeks holiday so he had plenty of time to be woth me and baby although he chose to spend a large amount of that time away from mem and baby.
    He gets on well with my mum and he is the one who suggests that she come over (so that she can deal with the baby).
    I know i sound ungrateful but i feel he is making my life harder and it is taking away some of the enjoyment of being a mum at last. Maybe he is finding it hard to adjust to the constant demands a new baby brings but so am I!
  5. You don't sound at all ungrateful, just p****d off, which I would definitely be too. I still don't have any constructive advice, but just want to make sure you don't put any of this on yourself. I was a complete mess for months after my (traumatic and long) birth experience, I don't think I could be held accountable for any of my actions, so in mo way must you blame yourself for his unacceptable behaviour. Even if he is finding it hard to adjust or whatever, he should not be doing what he is doing. He is equally responsible for that baby and should be pulling his weight.
    Don't think you wrote in your reply whether you have spoken to him and what he says?
  6. I think the most important thing to ask is have you spoken to him? I don;t think you sound ungrateful either, FWIW, it sounds like you;re doing really well.
    I would be so annoyed at looking forward to a weekend away and then have him go on it alone. What did you say when he brought that idea up? do you have any inkling why he's acting like this? A previous poster offered some good ideas, maybe have a chat with him and ask him what's going on? One way or another he needs to step up to the job, the sooner the better![​IMG]
    Have you spoken to your mum about it?

    Oh and I would have said sod the toothpaste and not bothered cleaning my teeth that night!
  7. I can totally relate to this post. My OH too carried on as if nothing had changed - he thought nothing to announcing he was off 'out' pretty much every day - and didn't think twice that maybe I would like a break (when LO was born, I had stayed in hospital as LO was in neonatal unit and whereas he could go home and sleep undisturbed and have a lie-in, I was woken every couple of hours by the nurses to feed LO so from day 1, not slept properly).
    I was solely bf which was perfect for him because it meant a) he didn't have to clock watch if out in case LO needed feeeding, b) he didn;t have to get up at night and spend ages upright feeding c) id LO cried, he always had a back up saying 'she must be hungry' even when she had just been fed.
    It got to the point where I shouted and cried that I needed a break (she fed every 2 hours at night) and his reply was 'you do get a break - at night' - eh?! We now bottle-feed because then he could do his fair share (in all fairness, it was his idea).
    But, whilst that now the case, I still do most of the things around the house and LO, BUT, he does do the night feed now so that I can sleep most of the time.
    The impression I get is that my OH doesn't realise that looking after LO is work - I should also say that my OH works from home so it's not like he's out at work all day.
    Things are much better now - partly because LO sleeps most of the night but there were times when I had mine and LO's bags packed ready to leave - if I felt like I was a single mother, I'd rather BE a single mother. That was quite a wake up call for him - not that I'm saying you should do that but it may take an argument for him to realise how you feel.
    Good luck - and big hugs
    LO 18 and half weeks
  8. blueone

    blueone New commenter

    Hey Truelove
    Just wanted to say that your experience with the OH is not uncommon! My OH was kind of the same when our LO was born. Although he isnt a big drinker and wouldnt go on all day sessions, he is an avid football fan and was at the match pretty much every week after baby was born. Often he would be out all day too and wouldnt come back until late. I often found myself resenting him, being extremely annoyed by him and wondering if i could cope with our relationship much longer I too found i felt like he made my life harder and created mess in the house, which super annoyed me! Often my mum would come round and she would sleep in the big bed with me and the baby next to us, while he would be in the spare room having a lovely full nights sleep! I would obviously be very p***ed off, but wanted my mum there as she was seemingly more help and reassurance than him!
    BUT now, 7 months on... everything is much, much better and a lot more normal now LO is growing up and becoming more like a little person! My OH is a great dad to my LO, I think he was a bit overwhelmed and lacked confidence when it came to having a little baby. From what i listen to my other mummy friends, their OH are/were the same too! When you are a new mum its a big, big shock to the system, especially if you're playing catch-up on sleep and you are in pain after a difficult labour. You are tired, hormonal and emotional, and at the end of the day a lot of the responsibility of a new baby falls on your shoulders and you become a litttle bit resentful of your OH who can simply get in the car and go off for a few hours! i think many men are not very good with 'little' babies and get better as the babies get older.
    So what i am trying to say is give it a little time, you will soon get out of the fog you are in and life will get a little better and normal!!
  9. I only know what you have said so am only responding to one side of the story, but to be honest I'd have gone ape by now. Mine has always been absolutely outstanding, even in the early days when he was clearly struggling with the fact that when she was tiny he couldn't really relate to her and was unsure of himself. He recognised that it wasn't a choice to become more involved when she got 'interesting' - he was involved from the day I got pregnant. From the first month or two I would express regularly and built up a supply in the freezer so that he could have her for a few hours. I went on 2 courses that I was interested in and he also had her sometimes for me to go for a coffee with a single, childless friend so that I got some time just to hang out sometimes, too. In doing this he very quickly realised that it's hard to tell what a tiny baby wants, it's hard and draining (and sometimes fairly unrewarding) looking after a newborn, and that getting anything else done (including getting you both out of the house) is tough. After his first full day with her he said, outright, that he had the far easier deal going out to work (is a teacher too) and gave me so much support.
    I, too, had a challenging labour and my post-natal recovery was long (bad infections and bled till 11 weeks post natal). He really stepped up, and made my life so much easier. If he had acted like your OH sounds like he is then he'd have been told to eff off until he was ready to be a father and support me, too.
    You MUST have a proper conversation about how you are feeling - he definitely deserves to be made completely aware of how you are feeling as if he is in the dark he can't be expected to change anything. I would also suggest that he looks after baby for A WHOLE MORNING / afternoon (day sounds like it may be ambitious). Real perspective change after that, perhaps? If you are breastfeeding you could spend a few days building up some expressed milk, or just give formula for a morning... yes he'll spend half the time wondering what baby wants / what he can do / when he's going to get a chance for a pee / sandwich etc but what does he think you do? Know it all intuitively? The reason us mums (sometimes!!) know what cries mean / what's needed is because we SLOG AT IT ALL DAY EVERY DAY!
    I know my post is strong, but I am astonished at the way that some men seem to behave and can't quite believe it. I have never been one to put up and shut up, mind you (in life as a whole!) so I am maybe more outspoken than some, for better and worse.

  10. That's exactly what I feel like doing!
    For the first week or so he did help out and seemed to want to do things with the baby but it's like the novelty wore off really quickly. I did speak to him back then and he said he found the fact that it was so relentless difficult, which I can understand because it is!
    I have brought up the fact that it is unfair on me to take sole responsibility for her all of the time and he knows I am not happy with his carrying on like this but his response is that he still needs to see people and do things..................... apparently this is something which I don't need to do now.
    Like an earlier poster I am fully breast feeding and so he has used this as an excuse for a lot of his behaviour for example 'you can't go out baby might need feeding' or if he holds her as soon as she cries he hands her back and tells me she needs feeding even though she doesn't. Due to breast feeding he has had a good nights sleep every night since she was born and does not understand why I am so tired - his response if i complain about being up several times in the night is 'i know'. In the past I have tried to get a nap in the afternoon while he minds the baby but after 5 minutes he brings her back to me so I have now given up on this and accepted that i will be tired.
    I have tried expressing milk for him to feed the baby but he doesn't have the patience to even sit and feed her that! I have left the house once without the baby to nip to the local shop and i got three phone calls in 10 minutes telling me that she was crying and hungry and wouldn't drink the milk from the bottle - when i got back she wasn't hungry at all, she was upset as he had put her in her rocker chair and left her so he could go on the computer.
    Also now he is back at work he works away for 4 days a week so apart from my mum i am on my own, on his days off he complains that he missed her but still doesn't get involved. Due to his work and this weekend away he won't have spent any time with her for almost two weeks by the time he is next home!
    I know it is scarey for men looking after a tiny baby and he has said he looks forward to when she is older and can communicate properly (he's thinking about 3 years) but I feel scared and over whelmed too, i don't understand what her cries mean and just muddle through each day as best i can and slowly i am learning.
  11. learningyoghurt

    learningyoghurt New commenter

    What's his family like, and what was the situation with his parents when he was a baby? Might be worth asking your mil?
    My baby's father - not my OH and thank heavens, after reading your post - has changed about three nappies in his time and has practically expected a medal after each one. But then his dad didn't ever change one for any of his three children. If he comes from a background where all the baby-stuff is seen as 'women's work' then that may be influencing his ideas about what he can reasonably be expected to do.
    Although tbh I still feel that he deserves a good thumping.
  12. I agree - have to say, I think he's behaving atrociously and being utterly juvenile. He needs a kick up the **** - either from you, or someone he'll definitely take note of - his parents or a friend? My OH wasn't great to start with as he was nervous but he wouldn't have ******** off somewhere without us! He needs to man up - I've seen relationships break down recently because of similar behaviour.
    I am SO annoyed on your behalf! [​IMG]
  13. Really have to agree with Bunique. Excuses are just that - this child is the responsibility of both of you - your OH needs to pull his weight or he'll have a very ill wife to deal with too.

    Set some time aside for you and go out. Switch the phone off and if all you do is walk for 20 mins - fine.

    Send your OH out for a walk with the baby (preferably to meet someone so he has to stay out for a period of time) - and allow yourself a soak in the bath/shower/full cup of coffee/whatever. Once he can cope with small amounts of time extend.

    Really hope things improve - you are doing a fantastic job and your OH has to step up to the mark and do the same.
  14. As far as i know his dad was pretty old fashioned and not too hands on - childcare was 'womens work' and he went out and earnt the money. His friends with children are really hands on though so i kind of thought he would act more like them and that's what he said he would be like when we were trying to get pregnant and throughout my pregnancy.
    I feel let down that he is behaving this way as it is not what i expected from him, i thought he knew she was a full time life long commitment not just a toy you could pick up now and again:(
  15. chicabonita

    chicabonita New commenter

    Never mind his "reasons"- as Bunique said, he is being a complete ar5e and is so far out of order that he needs a massive shock to the system. I think if that was me I'd have walked out by now. Can you not go to your parents' for at least a few days?
    I'm gobsmacked that anyone can be so selfish.
  16. I have considered it! i'm sure my mum would be happy for me and baby to stay but i don't see why i should go to all the trouble of moving mine and babies things as we are not the ones in the wrong. i also think if i were to go now it would turn into a permanant thing as i feel so angry and resentful of him and if we do split i feel strongly that he should be the one to go.
  17. As someone who was in your situation - and as I said before, even had my bags packed ready to go, the problem I felt with going to a family's house for a few days is that (and I'm sorry as I do not mean to offend as going away for a few days is an option) it felt like running away. Your home is your LO's home and by going away, you inevitably make it more awkward when you return. THat's why I never made it out the door with my bags (my mum spoke to me and said not to leave unless OH was violent - which he wasn't).
    I know just how hard it is - with my OH there were cultural differences which I think made him act how he did and whilst it's not an excuse, there is a reason for his behaviour - not a good reason granted, but it does make you understand why they are acting so unfairly. Fortunately, things have got far better and I'm sure it will do for you too.
    But, you do need to keep telling him how you feel - even if he doesn't understand. I always say to my OH that this is how I feel - it may not be how you intend to come across, but that i what I take from it. Some OH do not listen, but you can only do your best.
  18. This is why I haven't gone already, because it feels like running away and because this is my home and my baby deserves to be here! I also feel that if I were to leave it would be me to blame if the split became permenant and I don't want my little girl to ever think that it's my fault her dad isn't around. I also know my OH would have a field day milking the sympathy from his family if I were to go and things would then be very awkward when it comes to them seeing my daughter.
  19. learningyoghurt

    learningyoghurt New commenter

    Just to be clear - I don't think that family background is an excuse for anything, just in case it sounded like I did (maintain that he deserves a thumping). But I do think that it'd be worth finding out what he expects a 'dad' to do and be when you're sorting it out.
    Good luck xx
  20. Just thinking online here, is he maybe a bit "whoa, this baby is here, I don;t know what to do...she's doing a great job, should I just let her get on with it?" Is he not sure how to soothe baba? My OH tries to pull that one sometimes if he's tired, "baby wants his mummy, mummy settles him best". I do a bit of mental fist shaking when I hear this.

    Just another idea to throw out there!
    Even if this is what he's thinking, I still think what others have said about 'manning up' is right.

    Hope you're still hanging in there.

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