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Should I say something?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by tartetatin, Aug 24, 2011.

  1. tartetatin

    tartetatin New commenter

    Hello tessers [​IMG]
    As a stay at home mum, I think my sense of perspective/proportion can be a little out of sync at times, so please let me know if you think I'm being neurotic!
    Two of my daughters started at a new school today, one in P1 (age 5) and the other in P6 (age 10). For some unknown reason this change has given me a feeling of anxiety, perhaps a subconscious fear due to my own primary school days - even as a child, I disliked change and my primary school days weren't the happiest of my life.
    Anyway, I in no way passed this on to my daughters who were this morning both very happy, enthusiastic and excited to start at their new school [​IMG]
    The day passed very well for them both, but there is something niggling me about my 10 year old's first day.
    Prior to the summer holiday, each new parent was given a class list of all the names and telephone numbers of the children in their new class (it's a private school - not sure if this would ever happen in state!), in the hope that kids could meet up over the holidays and have some familiar faces for starting school.
    We ended up having a girl called L come round to play. It went very well on the whole but I doubted that M (my daughter) and L would become firm friends, which is absolutely fine. L's mother reciprocated and M went round there one day for a few hours, along with some other girls from the class. Again, it went really well but M had to politely ask the other girls to stop when they started slagging off one of the boys who was to be joining their class. He's a nice (albeit geeky!) kid and I was quite proud of her for defending him when she hardly knows these girls!
    Anyway, during M's first day today, L completely ignored her when M tried to talk to her. Totally blanked her. M also saw her whispering to other girls about her.
    I know this sounds totally trivial from an adult point of view, but this can't have felt pleasant to a 10 year old on her first day at school! Girls will be girls (and as a mother of 3, I KNOW how they can be!) and I would accept it a bit further down the line, but not on the first day. This girl has been at the school since nursery so should have known better than to do this to a newbie. M is a genuinely nice kid, folks. She's polite, quiet, well-behaved, good sense of what's fair and what's not, etc.
    I would rather this was nipped in the bud early on, and I know that the school is very keen for problems to be shared and resolved quickly.
    Would it be completely over the top of me to mention it to M's teacher? I really liked L's mother and it's tempting to have a friendly word in passing, but it's much too soon for that kind of thing!
    Last thing I want to do is come across as the overprotective mother type and tbh, M doesn't seem too phased by the whole thing and has made other friends. I just wouldn't want the situation to escalate though. It's also a bit unfortunate that L's best friend was chosen as M's 'buddy'.
    Many thanks - I know you lot will keep me right! [​IMG]
    ps, is it just me who worries more about their firstborn than any of the others?!

  2. grandelf

    grandelf New commenter

    tell her to seek out the geeky kid, he is the next bill gates!
  3. tartetatin

    tartetatin New commenter

  4. grandelf

    grandelf New commenter

    advice is free, just sign me up for 1% of the geeky kids earnings
  5. tartetatin

    tartetatin New commenter

    Aww, P is lovely and M seemed to take to him from the start. He is also a distant cousin of her best friend, so her loyalty was pretty much a given!
  6. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    Bloody hell...where are you finding these mad schools? I cannot imagine why anyone would participate in sharing their phone numbers with every other child's parent in the school. Totally bizarre in my opinion.
    As to the issue of what has happened between the children - I'd keep well out.
  7. Can I just say I think your daughter is wonderful and so brave sticking up for this guy! I don't know many 10 year olds who would have the maturity to do that in the knowledge that doing so may lead to themselves also being sidelined-in fact, I know many adults now who still struggle! I don't really know what to advise on the situation but wanted to add what I thought about your daughter.
  8. tartetatin

    tartetatin New commenter

    No-one else seems to mind at all! In fact they rather expect you to call, although I can understand why it may not be everyone's cup of tea! I personally think it's a good idea, even if only for your child to arrange to meet their 'buddy' at the school gate on the first day. Helps alleviate some of the anxiety. Oh, and you're only given the names and numbers of the children in your own child's class.
    Yes, you're probably right.

  9. tartetatin

    tartetatin New commenter

    Thank you very much for your kind words.
  10. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    I'd have thought that most people would balk at their phone number being given out to anything up to 33 strangers (presumably fewer if it's a private school) about whom you know nothing other than their child will be sharing your child's class.

  11. tartetatin

    tartetatin New commenter

    Well, clearly not in this mad school, or they'd have scrapped the idea years ago.
  12. In my daughter's school the phone numbers are circulated too - but not centrally by the school, the school initiates the process by inviting people to fill in their contact details on a form if they want. Then only people on the list get a copy of it. The people who found it an infringement of their privacy and civil liberties generally found themselves regretting not taking part, their kids were omitted from birthday party guest lists, they couldn't chase up responses to their own child's party invitations, they would end up having to ring up someone they knew on the list to get hold of people's numbers if their child wanted to invite someone new for tea, etc. And this school is not private.
    Anyway. I think that for a ten year old to chide an established clique of others about gossipping was very very brave and also rather foolhardy! However the fact that your daughter was brave enough to speak out about it almost certainly means that she will be brave enough not to worry about the whispering etc, because she's been raised that way. She probably already knows that some people will be like that and the fact that she spoke out on that day shows she would rather be shut out of some groups than allow that to go on. It won't be new to her in Year 6.
    My daughter is the same age, and although she would disapprove, and perhaps say something in support of a person who was being talked about in that way, she would not take it upon herself to police others' behaviour and tell them how they should and should not be behaving, I doubt. Nor would I, to be honest. I wouldn't take part and I would distance myself from the people doing it but only in an established group of colleagues would I say "Stop doing that, it's bullying" or whatever.
    And, yes, I worry about my eldest the most. With the subsequent ones you always think "Yeah, this is exactly what happened with L when H and L-M shut her out," and you know it passes.
  13. tartetatin

    tartetatin New commenter

    Thanks for your reply, rusty.
    To be honest, I have the impression that L would be this way anyway. I'm not even sure how much M defending the boy had to do with what happened yesterday, as the girls were still getting along fine when I picked M up after the 'playdate' (and if I know M, it would have been a gentle request to stop rather than a full-on demand!). It was Mr Tarte who put that particular 2+2 together when I told him. So perhaps the whispering and ignoring would have happened anyway.
    As I said, just unfortunate that it happened on her first day. However the fact that it's bothering me more than my daughter should tell me something!

  14. Unfortunately this whispering and nastiness amongst some girls seems to be a problem. I remember 50 years ago the glamorous Diane would only play with me if nobody else was around!

    I just wonder if the school and inadvertently yourselves are fuelling this and your daughter will sort it out herself.

    Hard work this parenting/letting go thing.
  15. tartetatin

    tartetatin New commenter

    You're totally right, eggnchips.
  16. BelleDuJour

    BelleDuJour Star commenter

    It is common practice in private schools, unless a parent opts out of doing so (which is rare)
  17. Could you wait a few days and see what happens? If it continues today, tomorrow etc then it is worth a word, but it may fizzle out today. Your daughter sounds like a very sensible girl-does she really want to be friends with this other girl anyway? Hope it all gets sorted.
  18. tartetatin

    tartetatin New commenter

    Thanks, belle. That's what I thought too, though this is our first experience of sending our kids to private school.
  19. tartetatin

    tartetatin New commenter

    Cheers for reply. This is the conclusion I had come to, to give it a few days and see what happens. Seems sensible to me too.
  20. moonpenny

    moonpenny Occasional commenter

    I always feel nervous on the day my children go back to school, although like you I don't say anything.
    As for your daughter, I think she is better off out of that friendship, although I agree with the people who say try to stand back as it's all part of life dealing with the dynamics of groups of people . It is not always something that gets any easier to deal with and group dynamics reflects those people within it and it only takes someone who enjoys stirring other people up in the group and often that sets the tone. In real life, I would do as Rustybug says and distance myself from anyone like that.
    If it is any consolation, I really admire your daughter's nouse which shows she must be quite confident and iDependantt at heart which will stand her in good stead in life.

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