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Should I keep in contact with the foster carers?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Newteacher4321, Jul 31, 2020 at 8:47 PM.

  1. Newteacher4321

    Newteacher4321 New commenter

    My daughter (adopted) came home 4 months ago. The foster carers were absolutely amazing and cared so much and my daughter really is like family to them. On the last day of intros they were very emotional, their hearts were breaking as they hugged and waved to my daughter. We have been keeping in touch with them since, sending them photos etc. we usually text each other every few days, my daughter has had video calls with them. We are hoping to meet up with them next week. My daughter was with them for 4 years so they are a huge part of her life.

    Suddenly this morning my mum has said I should completely cut the foster carers off and not talk to them or let them or my daughter see each other again.

    I am doing the right thing by staying in touch like this aren't I? I personally feel I am but my mum has made me doubt myself now.
    emerald52 and TheoGriff like this.
  2. Aquamarina1234

    Aquamarina1234 Star commenter

    Cutting your daughter off from her previous carers would be like a bereavement for her. What possible good could come of it? How could you explain it?
    You don't explain your mother's motives but it sounds like jealousy. The child must belong only to you. I think she is mistaken and that you have been doing the right thing, the kind thing, for your daughter and her foster-family.
  3. Newteacher4321

    Newteacher4321 New commenter

    I'm not going to cut off the foster carers, they are lovely people and went above and beyond for my daughter and always put her first and themselves second.
    My daughter is already excited to meet up with her foster carers next week.
    My daughter has a special place in their heart and they have a special place in my daughter's heart.

    My mother could feel jealous, I've not been able to send any photos whatsoever of my daughter to my parents as her birth family are a risk and my parents keep on saying that they want to put photos of her on social media, I have shared photos and videos very often with the foster carers though, so yes she could feel jealous of this but theres not much I can do about it as I've told my parents they can't put photos of my daughter on social media but they keep on saying they "might" so I can't send them any just incase.
    freckle06, emerald52, Pageant and 7 others like this.
  4. May2

    May2 Established commenter

    The foster carers have obviously been a big part of your daughter's life and presumably most of her life, and is mainly all she knows before she came to live with you. She is definitely going to need to keep a relationship with them for a long while and it is good that you are happy to facilitate this. A friend of mine adopted a brother and sister when aged 4 and 2 and they kept up contact with the previous carers all through their childhood and it was lovely after a bad start to have so many caring people looking out for them.
    I don't know how much your mother has been involved with your adoption process but she really needs to understand the reasons behind all the rules that need to be adhered to. Have you any reading matter she can have that might help her understand your reasons if she won't just listen to you.
  5. Katzenjammer

    Katzenjammer Occasional commenter

    As a grandparent I can see where your parents are coming from - but, they need to be aware of boundaries put in place by social services for their grand-daughter's safety, and if they can't promise to observe things like [eg] the Facebook prohibition then you are right not to let them have photographs.
    And [consider this as being gently said!], if you take your mother's advice about your daughter's contact with the foster carers [which sounds lovely, healthy and close], you will make a rod for your back. Grandparents need very firm boundaries too - something I say as a grandson who felt as though he had five strict parents, as a father who once had to forbid a grandparent the house until they stopped interfering, and as a grandparent who knows how easy it is to forget your place!
  6. frangipani123

    frangipani123 Lead commenter

    Four years is a very long time, particularly in a child's life, so of course she should be allowed to stay in contact with her foster parents. it would be damaging for her not to be.

    What troubles me is your parents' inability to understand why they can't post photos of her on social media. it must have been a long journey to get to the point where you could adopt her, so you don't want to jeopardise that, and surely they should respect that. I do know of a child who received letters and photos from her birth mother through unofficial channels, and it really messed her up, so you need to stand firm.
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2020 at 9:38 PM
  7. Newteacher4321

    Newteacher4321 New commenter

    She has been with them since birth so they are a huge part of her life. I'm definitely not going to stop contact.
    Honestly I think she will never forget them and that's ok as they raised her from the 4th day of her life until she was close to being 5.

    My mother wasn't very involved through the adoption process. I will have to educate her about the reasons why she can't do certain things.
  8. Newteacher4321

    Newteacher4321 New commenter

    I am definitely not sharing photos with my parents until I 100% can trust them.

    I am absolutely not going to stop contact with the foster carers.
  9. nomad

    nomad Star commenter

    If you are old enough to have a daughter, you are old enough to stop having to do whatever your own mother says.
  10. Newteacher4321

    Newteacher4321 New commenter

    It is a very long time especially when it was from the 4th day of her life.

    We absolutely will be staying in contact with her foster carers, I couldn't dream of cutting them off.

    I am going to stand very firm on my parents not posting on social media as I would hate for my daughter to be tracked down by her birth family.
  11. modelmaker

    modelmaker Senior commenter

    Social media seems to be the problem.

    As the guardian of your daughter, you have the right to demand that images of her are kept safe. If it were you at this stage of play, I'd raise the matter of GDPR with your parents. GDPR states that images of an individual is personal information and can oly be shared with that individual's permission.

    Technically, GDPR is EU legislation, but an identical British equivalent was drawn up and passed into British law.

    As the child is too young to give permission, the responsibily to give it falls upon you, just as it would if consent was required for the child to have surgery, or a vaccination.

    Your parents do not have a leg to stand on if you have asked them not to post photos of your daughter on social media against your expressed wishes. You just need to explain your concerns and that it isn't about you being bossy, but if it all ended in tears, given the circumstances, the paper trail for posting the images would end up with them.
    emerald52 and oldsomeman like this.
  12. install

    install Star commenter

    You are doing the right thing. Cutting them out is a denial of the relationship your child has with them and you in a time of need and into the future.

    Perhaps your Mother feels guilt as well as jealousy?
    agathamorse, emerald52 and oldsomeman like this.
  13. Newteacher4321

    Newteacher4321 New commenter

    I am aware of GDPR, but my parents are the type of people that will just ignore what I say and do what they want so that's why I can't really trust them with photos or videos.
  14. Newteacher4321

    Newteacher4321 New commenter

    I'm not going to cut them out.

    I think she's jealous that I'm sending the foster carers photos and videos but not sending any to her, but I can't send any to my parents because of what they say they will do with them.
    emerald52 and install like this.
  15. modelmaker

    modelmaker Senior commenter

    Then you need to make them aware that unless they comply with your wishes, you'll refuse to let them have the photos to upload.

    Before social media, it was simple. You could take a picture of your kid and show it to your parents and if they wanted a copy to stick on the mantlepiece, they could have one. Everyone who uses social media has to take responsibility for what they post and accept responsibily if they overstep the law. They also need to appreciate that their enjoyment of social media doesn't impart greater rights than they previously had and the fact that images became part of GDPR wasn't by accident.

    Maybe try it a different way and ask if they understand why the law was required in the first place, so their personal details could be protected, to prevent them being scammed out of their life savings, they might get the message?
    agathamorse likes this.
  16. caterpillartobutterfly

    caterpillartobutterfly Star commenter

    Don't tell your mother you are sending photos to the foster carers...it is clearly causing jealousy.

    Mothers/Grandmothers often want their children to ask them for advice and share details of the grandchild's development with them...for them to have a chance to be the parent they wished they had been. To see you sharing more with the foster carers than with them is going to hurt.

    Grandparents want to show off their grandchildren and social media is the way to do this these days. I imagine she is in groups where people ask to see photos and it probably hurts each time she has to say no. She probably can't promise not to because in a moment of weakness she just might.

    I don't think you are doing anything wrong, but I can understand why your mother feels hurt, jealous and left out and so why she would want the foster carers to go.
    A loving and gentle, but clear, conversation, with lots of reassurance, is what's probably needed.
    agathamorse, emerald52 and Lalad like this.
  17. modelmaker

    modelmaker Senior commenter

    I'm not sure everyone has properly read and comprehended what this thread is about.

    The child has been adopted. The grandparents we are disussing are adoptive grandparents. The child will have birth grandparents who might also liked to have been posting pictures of the kid on social media and may be bitter that they are unable to. The kid's birth parents are losing out in the same respect.

    I am assuming there were very good reasons that the child needed to be adopted and placed initially in foster care until a suitable person or family was found to raise the child as though it was their own.

    Just think about it for a moment. People lose their jobs through incrimating photos of them posted on social media. Nobody can tell what use a bitter parent of grandparent might want to make of a photo of a child that was once their's, but was taken away.

    Everyone has to be sensible about this. Social media is the bane of our lives as much as it is any benefit.
  18. install

    install Star commenter

    Or maybe your post has possibly got it wrong with such a seeming sweeping statement about ‘everyone’ else?

    Just sayin’ ...:cool:
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2020 at 10:56 PM
  19. May2

    May2 Established commenter

    Would it help your parents if you have them some printed photos every few weeks that they could show their close friends and perhaps some nice ones of the your family framed. Or is she still likely to scan or photo them to put on social media?
  20. modelmaker

    modelmaker Senior commenter

    Read the post again.
    Lalad likes this.

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