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Sherlock Holmes and the Mystery of the Missing Moggy

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Ivartheboneless, Nov 16, 2019.

  1. Ivartheboneless

    Ivartheboneless Star commenter

    “I say Holmes,” burst out Dr Watson entering the parlour at 221B Baker Street, “have you seen Tigger?”
    “Not recently Watson,” replied Holmes removing his Meerschaum pipe from his mouth, “not since this morning when we shared a kipper.”
    “I didn’t realise you were fond of the animal, Holmes?” Holmes’ pipe had gone out so he reached for the rough shag. Holmes furrowed his brow in thought, as he tapped out the burnt remains on the hearth.
    “He is a remarkable animal, as many cats are, and a good judge of character.”
    “How so, Holmes?”
    “Haven’t you noticed?” replied Holmes, giving his pipe a final tap on the hearth. “he will not approach any person whom he does not trust, and he does not purr in their presence. Is he missing?”
    “Indeed Holmes. Mrs Hudson has prepared a nice bit of coley for him, and he usually makes his presence known at tea time, but nary a miaow is to be heard.”
    “That is odd, Watson. Come the game is afoot, we had better pursue the cat-nappers, be they such, and discover his whereabouts!”
    “Shall I flag down a Hansom cab, Holmes?”
    “Indeed not! The game is afoot … on foot!”

    Holmes and Watson searched the streets for an hour, even asking the help of the Baker Street Irregulars.
    “There’s loads o’ bleedin’ moggies, beggin’ yer pardon Mr ‘Olmes.” Said a grubby Tom Baker. “Woss speshul abaht this one?”
    “Young Tom!” Exclaimed Holmes. “Cats are very special creatures indeed. In many ways more discerning than dogs.”
    “Well wot I ‘eard is this, Mister ‘Olmes. There is a shop opened rahnd the back o’ Regent Street wot supplies fancy foreign nosh, on’y there’s a rumour they is grabbin’ cats off the street and turning ‘em into fings called kebabs.”
    “What!!” Cried Watson. “Quick Holmes we must act!”

    Holmes and Watson dashed quickly to the premises of Mustapha Pitta and burst through the door. A large mound of vile looking grey greasy meat was rotating on a spit behind the counter. The proprietor wiped his hands on a grey once-white cloth then rearranged his moustaches with greasy forefingers.
    “What can I do for you, gentlemen?” He asked suspiciously in a thick accent.
    “What is that?” Asked Holmes, pointing to the rotating mass of indeterminate greasy meat.
    “That is my doner meat.” Replied Mustapha, smiling and showing missing teeth.
    “It looks disgusting!” Said Watson.
    “Ah. But you Eenglish find it irresistible after the drinking of much beer.” Replied Mustapha grinning evilly.
    “Damn you,” said Watson, “ we don’t want any of your Ottoman subversion here!” Watson was about to speak further when Holmes said.
    “Wait! Listen!” They went quiet and could vaguely hear plaintive mewing from the back of the shop. Watson pulled his weapon out and pointed it at the Turk.
    “Don’t move, you blackguard!” He said. Holmes and Watson pushed behind the counter, through the multi-coloured hanging strip curtain, and followed the plaintive mewing. There they discovered a folorn Tigger in a small cage mewing loudly because he had heard Dr Watson’s voice. They freed him from the cage and he took up a position on Watson’s shoulder. As they walked back through the shop Tigger took a swipe at Mustapha knocking his fez off.
    “Take that, you bounder!” said Watson, as Tigger snuggled into his neck. The mystery was solved.
  2. peakster

    peakster Star commenter

    Does this mean your cat's back ?
  3. Corvuscorax

    Corvuscorax Star commenter

    I am a cat lover. I jut jumped to the last sentence
  4. Mangleworzle

    Mangleworzle Star commenter

    It made me smile, my favourite words were nary and blackguard.
  5. Duke of York

    Duke of York Star commenter

    A very inventive way of showing how relived you are to get your cat back, @Ivartheboneless and how soft you more northerly posters actually are than those of us who live within spitting distance of France,

    To be honest we're not within spitting distance of France, but I live in a region that voted overwhelmingly for Brexit, so it's habitual for the locals to attempt it.
  6. sbkrobson

    sbkrobson Star commenter

    Not needy at all, that.
    foxtail3 likes this.
  7. Nellyfuf2

    Nellyfuf2 Senior commenter

    Ivar! You wrote -

    “Young Tom!” Exclaimed Holmes. “Cats are very special creatures indeed. In many ways more discerning than dogs."
    It is
    "Young Tom!" exclaimed Holmes, "cats are very special creatures indeed. In many ways more discerning than dogs"
    Or even
    "You Tom!" exclaimed Holmes. "Cats are very special creature indeed. In may ways more discerning than dog."
    Exclaimed Holmes. That it not a sentence.
    "Young Tom!" exclaimed Holmes. That is a sentence.

    If you had not used exclaimed it would have said.
    "Young Tom!" Said Holmes.
    And that would have been a lot worse.
  8. blazer

    blazer Star commenter

    Was there a fronted adverbial in there?
  9. RepelloInimicum

    RepelloInimicum Lead commenter

    grumpydogwoman likes this.
  10. Ivartheboneless

    Ivartheboneless Star commenter

    Am I supposed to care? It was a bit of entertainment written in less than fifteen minutes. It was not an attempt at an English language exam.
  11. Nellyfuf2

    Nellyfuf2 Senior commenter

    I woke up this morning worrying, in case I had put an error in my correction. Put a comma the wrong side of the speech marks.........
    You wrote that in fifteen minutes? I'll send you some notes and plot outlines and you can add a couple of chapters to mine opus.
    I'll correct the punctuation later. Ta.
  12. Nanook_rubs_it

    Nanook_rubs_it Star commenter

    When I read the title, I thought it was a thread about Rees-Mogg and the Tory election campaign...
  13. Norsemaid

    Norsemaid Lead commenter

    Ivartheboneless likes this.
  14. Ivartheboneless

    Ivartheboneless Star commenter

    Ta. I thought the Fez and kebab references were a bit "woke". Did they have kebab shops in the late Victorian period?
  15. Ivartheboneless

    Ivartheboneless Star commenter

    No, no. It is far too modern for him!
    Nanook_rubs_it likes this.

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