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Separating - need advice

Discussion in 'Personal' started by lwilli019, May 3, 2011.

  1. My husband and I have decided to separate. It's a long story but so far we are being very amicable. We are having to live together for now as for the last 2 years he has been a full time dad to our 2 children and therefore has no income. In an ideal world, he will move out and the kids and I will stay in the house but he'll keep looking after the children while I work.

    BUT he cannot get any financial support from anywhere because he won't have the children living with him. He cannot claim jobseekers because he doesn't have enough NI contributions and he cannot get housing support as the children will be living with me.

    I just don't know what else we can do. We want to live apart but without him fighting me for custody of the kids and the house I'm not sure what choice we have.

    Please is there anyone out there with some words of wisdom or advice for me?
  2. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    If this were the other way round - and you were the working male, you would be expected to leave the house, provide maintenance for the children and support yourself.
    The expectation is on the male to move out - but he is the one looking after the kids. And I reckon there's no way you would move out without the children.
    Sorry to sound heartless - but Dads do get a raw deal.
    Do you want to see him homeless? I don't really know what to suggest but you are asking a lot expecting him to move out, support himself and then look after the children.
  3. littlemissraw

    littlemissraw Occasional commenter

    I would have thought he could claim Jobseekers. Income based not contributions based when he is living alone. He won't be able to at the moment because you are 'together' (meaning he is only entitled to contributions based) but there are lots of people who manage to take benefits without ever paying in so I'd be suprised if he couldn't get any help. Maybe try the CAB for advice?
    Sorry to hear things aren't going well x
  4. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    Do you plan to pay him for this job?
  5. No I don't want to see him homless at all and he is the one that wants to keep looking after the children. He has been 'looking' for work for ages but part of the problem with the marriage is that he has been lying about any work he can or can't get.
    I have said that I will happily pay for childcare myself and he doesn't need to give me money towards the upkeep of the children once he gets a job. All I ask is for a contribution towards paying off the debt of his that is in my name.
    You dont' sound heartless, I know how this looks but I am honestly not insisting he looks after the children. This is his choice and I think it's probably so that he can avoid having to go to work.
    Also he can move in with his parents but he doesn;'t want to. I am not insiting he does that. He is the one that has destryoed our marriage so there is no way I am going anywhere I have however offered to buy him out or sellt he house but not only are we in negative equity but also a debt management plan thanks to him and his 'ways' (putting it polietley).
  6. littlemissraw

    littlemissraw Occasional commenter

    Why doesn't he look at becoming a childminder? x
  7. If I paid him for it would that mean he could get help with housing etc? Both children will be at full time school soon so it would be just before and after school that he had them? How do we go about organising that?
    I'm really not trying to make life difficult for any of us. In a way I have created this 'monster' as I have been bailing him out financially for years, it's what got us where we are. I wanted to avoid continuing to do that as he has openly said he needs to grow up.
  8. He lacks so much get up and go that there is very little chance of him going through all the paperwork and course you have to do to become a childminder. I did suggets it to him when he first took over the childcare from the childminder we originally had but he point blank refused. He is lacking in confidence.
  9. littlemissraw

    littlemissraw Occasional commenter

    I'm not too sure. I know you can get benefits etc if you foster though as my old childminder has decided to do that instead (less paperwork/OFSTED etc...) Maybe it might be something he could look at if he likes looking after children? x
  10. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    Has he ever worked? If so, what was his line of work? Is there a 'usual' line or just a hotch-potch of different things?
  11. The children only need to live with him until he has got the housing soprted out - then they can move back in with you.

    As I've stated many times on here I live on the edge of a large council estate and there is a 'trade' in children. Mum sends child to live with dad, dad gets council flat with two bedrooms (previously been in 1 bedroom) and £1000 from DSS, because if you suddenly have a child needing a bed, clothes, bedding etc you can easily spend £1000.
    After 12 months child moves back to mum (in most cases this is a paper exercise, child has only spent the odd night at dad's) and this time mum gets £1000.
    This is the kind of thing that to some people is general knowledge but to those of us who suddely have to make a claim after years of working find incredible.

    Your husband is not entitled to jobseekers because a) it doesn't exist for new claimants and b) he is not looking for work. He should be able to get income based ESA.
    Your other option is for you to move out, he can then claim benefits but if you own your own home probably not housing, unless you divorce, he signs his half over to you and then rent it back to him.
    There are other options as well, such as you employing him as a childminder / nanny. He will have to register as such and be assessed by the council but you can then claim up to £300 a week childcare (depends on your earnings) - link to rates below
    Go see the CAB - tell them you need to see a benefit advisor, they will be able to talk through your options.

    I think the most likley thing to work is: He registers as a childminder - some councils actuall have grants for this
    Then you physically throw him out of the house and change the locks (this can all be done with his knowledge) he then sleeps on a friend's sofa for a couple of days whilst claims are processed and he either finds a place to live or asks the council for help.
    You then employ him as a childminder and claim money from the government to pay him.

    The only thing I'm not sure of is that you can childmind your own child and be paid.
  12. wrldtrvlr123

    wrldtrvlr123 Occasional commenter

    ***, why? From your point of view he has destroyed your marriage and ruined his children's chance at having a whole family. By his own admission he needs to grow up. Fine. He moves in with his parents, isn't homeless and can still take care of the children if he wishes to. He also may get a wake up call by the indignity of having to move back home after making a right mess of his life.

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