I feel like the last 6 weeks have been a total rollercoaster. The most frustrating part is that I believed the time was right to do this now. With my youngest starting school next year I felt that I could throw my energy into this now knowing I could be a mummy more too, with the 'holidays' teachers get (ahem!). I have worked as a nursery manager for 12 years working 10 hour days (and the rest) all year round so am well accustomed to the lack of life. I didn't anticipate I would lose myself though. The workload has been immense. A massive Learning and Teaching Portfolio accompanied with several weekly reflections to the online portfolio, as well as planning, evaluating own lessons, trying to build relationships with the teacher, attending weekly training at other schools in the cluster. My main concern is, I do not feel like I belong in my base school. I could go into this at length but really I am hoping to get some motivation to keep me going. I have so much support from my husband and parents, and this is what I have aspired to for so long. But why is it so damn testing?! I feel like I am losing myself. Weekends are a blur. I dread the time when the boys are in bed as I know I need to then spend my evening on PGCE tasks or planning. I am hoping things will feel better in my next placement, but I feel sick that things will continue to feel this way and I will dread returning to the base school. The PGCE mentors know how I feel and are doing so much to make sure the school is fulfilling their role. I just miss feeling like me. Will I get that back? Will this get easier to manage? It feels like a long, dark, empty tunnel. Apologies for this incoherent ramble, and thank you for reading to the end of my warbling!