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Rows between siblings

Discussion in 'Personal' started by wrldtrvlr123, Jun 12, 2011.

  1. wrldtrvlr123

    wrldtrvlr123 Occasional commenter

    That is hard, especially as nature tends to dictate that eventually our siblings will be all that we have left of our immediate families. Was this sudden/over a specific issue or number of issues, or a gradual growing apart?
  2. inky

    inky Lead commenter

    I can't really say but it wasn't a gradual growing apart. It was a gigantic misunderstanding.
    The thought that we might die unreconciled is terrible to me. And I have tried.

  3. inky

    inky Lead commenter

    I'm often amazed by the apparent ease with which posters talk about their fallings-out with, or loathing of, siblings. To me, it's a terrible thing. That my older brother and I are not on speaking terms causes me great heartache.
  4. Have you told him that?
    It sounds like you have tried to make up but he is being...stubborn? Or is still too upset?
    I am sure he is just as upset as you are, inky. I hope you get it sorted. No matter what it was, it is awful if you are not on speaking terms xxx
  5. Is it possible for you to just back down completely?
  6. You have my greatest sympathy and empathy. I'm in a similar situation and haven't been in contact with my brother for three years. I'm not allowed to see my neice or nephew and it is the singular most awful thing to have on my mind.
    Unfortunately, I'm not in a position to try and make things better because of the nature of the issues (I've posted about them on here before) so have to try and live with it somehow. I don't think I do very well at compartmentalising it much of the time though.
    I agree, Inky, that's it's a terrible, heartbreaking thing. Don't know if there's anything I can say or do to help but if there is anything you think I might be able to do then please ask. x
  7. Don't leave it... my brother and sister had a massive falling out and Mum got involved.. it got worse and no one was talking to the other - they all were complaining to me about the other one so I was stuck in the middle. Then a terrible thing happened... Mum was killed in a car accident and there was no resolution and could never be.... this has meant for both of them that things can never be sorted fully and will always be a chasm... it has almost meant the break up of my brother's marriage as it has cut that deep... Do what you can to fix things.. many hugs xxx
  8. joli2

    joli2 New commenter

    Me too inky, but to some extent, counselling has helped me accept what I can't change. Still sad though...
  9. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    Inky, just let it slide, if he has no regard for your relationship he isn't a relation.
    Life is too short to pursue lost causes.

  10. giraffe

    giraffe New commenter

    I've never really gotten on well with my brother, and one of the blessings of being grown-up is that we don't have to have much to do with each other. I avoid going to see Mum when he is there - annoying at times when he chooses school holidays to go and he's not a teacher and has no kids, - still we manage.
    As long as you don't go out of your way to hurt each other, I can't see that it is going to make that much difference in the bigger scheme of things.
    Perhaps a Christmas and Birthday card at the appropriate time might be as much as you need?
    I really don't get the 'blood thicker than water' thing, I guess.
  11. fantastischfish

    fantastischfish Established commenter

    I'm really close with my brother and even though we bicker occasionally I'd be distraught if I was 'estranged' from him for any reason.
    I don't know the exact reasons for your falling out, but you are obviously very upset. Whatever it is surely cannot be so big that you cannot get in touch and smooth things over if you really want to?
    You say it's a "misunderstanding"...this makes it sounds like the misunderstanding is on his part regarding an action on yours. If this is the case, the only thing you can do is explain what really happened/was meant by your actions and tell him that you want to put it behind you. If he won't talk to you, send a letter or an email.
    I sometimes find that it can be difficult to make the move to have that big conversation. It might be easier to give him the opportunity to reply to something totally inconsequential - send a text asking a question about something totally unrelated to your argument, "What are you getting mum for her birthday?" or similar. Could just help open the lines of communication a bit more easily?
    Sorry, nothing particularly helpful. I hope you sort it out soon.
  12. You have my sympathies, inky, and I hope you can sort it out. I had a bad falling out with my sister a few years ago, which was difficult as we're the only two from our family that live in Australia. It was an awful time. We made up eventually with a don't-mention-the-war type of resolution. The odd birthday/Christmas card helped along the way. My argument was actually with her husband, my BIL, and it was never 'resolved' as such, but after three years i spent Christmas with them, and we all tacitly agreed to let bygones be bygones.... i hope this can be the case for you... xx
  13. inky

    inky Lead commenter

    Sadly, my brother hates me because he holds me somehow responsible for the collapse of his romantic dreams. And I mean hates me. I've tried phoning but my number is blocked. He won't speak to me. Fortunately, I'm still in touch with his wife and my nephew.
    It still breaks my heart. He's my big brother and I love him. My eyes are brimming as I write this.
  14. inky

    inky Lead commenter

    I've just thought: I hope one of his colleagues reads this and makes him see sense.
  15. inky

    inky Lead commenter

    There's no closer link than brother and sister. We shared a womb.
  16. Is it a recent falling out?

    My sister and I always fought like cat and dog, but I cannot imagine a time when we would ever be "fallen out" and not in contact with each other. Sometimes, I think it is better to have fought the way we did when we were growing up, because we value each other more now.
  17. inky

    inky Lead commenter

    This isn't a normal falling out. But it's breaking my heart.
    If there's a colleague of my brother's on here who recognises him, please pm me.
  18. clear_air

    clear_air New commenter

    I feel for you too, Inky. My sister and I had a humdinger of a falling out a couple of years ago - and we still aren't back to the way we were, and to be honest, I don;t think we ever will. She hurt me, and, because she did it so unknowingly it made me really look at our relationship, and whether I really wanted to be bothered with her more than just duty.
    It's hard because we don't live near each other, so there was no natural way of sorting it out, and I missed being able to maon about our parents (!), and tell her funny stuff that I knew she'd like. I suppose I missed the sister I thought I had.
    We are talking again, but not with much closeness - and I don't think I'd be able to tell her properly what she did, partly because I don't think she's really understand whagt I'd be going on about, and it would open up a huge can pf worms I think is better left un-opened.
    How long has it been with your brother? It may well be that things are not the way they were, but I hope that you can regain something of what you have lost. xxx
    A sorry would really make a difference to me (but I know that won't ever come), as I have found it very hard to forgive her without it. (now I'm feeling choked too!!!)
  19. As children, like doglover, my sister and I fought like cat and dog but we have not argued once, about ANYTHING, since we have been adults. She is my best friend.
    I feel so much for you inky. Perhaps, as I mentioned earlier, he is still smarting and hurt and not thinking straight.
    You say you still have contact to his wife - can she not try to ease things between you or would she rather not get involved?
    Perhaps it will just take some time (I am inclined to think he is acting like a daft kid but I don't know all the details).

  20. inky - no advice, but just to say how sorry i am, and add my hopes to others that you may be able to heal this rift in time

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