Hi, really hoping for some advice please. It is a long story and I'll try not to waffle on for too long or go into too much detail. I was an NQT last year and passed, it wasn't the easiest year by any means but I figured this was normal and passing gave me a huge confidence boost. I moved this September to an independent with the promise of a promotion in January - giving me the first term to settle in. In the meantime I took an unpaid responsibility on at HT's request, establishing the school's library. Things started off really well. I had spent all summer, prior to starting in September, producing an indepth SoW for my Year 11 class on a topic that had never been taught before, so everything I did was completely from scratch. It comprised of a week by week SoW (in line with the school's proforma), a lesson by lesson SoW (for me) and a comprehensive resource booklet that both my HoD and SMT have described as "publishable". This unit of work was to be taught during this current half term up to Christmas. The term from Sept - Oct half term I created a SoW for Year 11 with resources based on something I had taught before but from a different angle (due to the school using an exam board that I had never taught before). In conversation I talked to my HoD about what I should be doing and she said what I was teaching and what I had created "sounded great". Unfortunately 3 weeks later following a dept meeting, this wasn't the case and I was told I was doing it all wrong and got a huge amount of stick from the school's SENCo, who actually made me cry. My confidence took a huge bashing. Nevertheless, I soldiered on, radically changed my approach, held intervention sessions in my own time and my class passed their CA all in line with their predicted grades. Preliminary inspection was announced and I was 'asked' to go into a well known High St bookshop the following day (a Saturday) to buy a bundle of books to stock up the library shelves all as part of my unpaid responsibility. I did so, but without time to check what the school already had, I accidentally bought a few second copies so had to go back into town the following Saturday to swap them. By this time, I was working endless hours after school just to stay afloat and getting increasingly tired and run down. I also planned three differentiated lesson by lesson SoWs and created resources during this time for three separate year groups for the current term as well as two more SoWs and sets of resources for the following half term. So by Oct half term I had contributed SEVEN really detailed SoWs with complete sets of resources to the school and saved these onto the school network for the rest of the dept to use if they wanted to. Half term came and so did illness. On top of being really poorly, I planned full lesson plans for the main inspection that was pending the first week back, got ALL of my books fully marked up to date and made sure the library was ship shape. I came into school to get everything ready and up to date. Unsurprisingly I didn't feel any better when I returned to school but battled on through inspection and had very good feedback from an inspector who described my lesson as "fantastic". It was a really boost and I felt valued. Unfortunately, I was off the following week with a throat infection, on strong antibiotics and was advised by doctors to rest my voice. I sent comprehensive cover work each day despite feeling very unwell. I returned the next week despite still feeling under the weather, suffering frequent bouts of sickness and diarrhoea, and it just got worse from there; three parents' evenings in four weeks,GCSE marking hanging over me, a close family member suffering from serious illness and me being too far away and too busy to visit, a house sale falling through all was contributing to me coming home in tears every evening and fighting back the tears on the way to school in the morning. So with some persuasion from my better half, who was bearing the brunt of my misery, I eventually asked my HoD for help - I wasn't coping and I couldn't keep struggling on alone. My HoD observed me and said that I had a good rapport with my classes, my planning and resources were meticulous, the students were well supported by these, subject knowledge was good etc. BUT my lack of energy was letting me down, I knew this, I felt it, but being physically exhausted (I was sleeping terribly due to swollen glands in my neck making it too painful to put my head on the pillow) but I was just glad that I was there delivering my lessons - trying to demonstrate my reliability and being there for my classes. I then had an unannounced lesson obs from SMT with my most difficult class. Majority have ADHD tendancies but no diagnosis so no support. He came and left without a word and when I saw him later on in the dining hall, he was very laid back giving no indication of any concerns. I asked for feedback and he said that it isn't usual for feedback to be given on such informal observations but if I wanted some especially I could go and find him another time. I knew it wasn't my best lesson (far from it) but assumed he'd took on board that I was still feeling under the weather. I went later on for feedback but it wasn't a good time and I was told that there'd be a meeting between me, my HoD and the member of SMT the following week so I could get my feedback then. I naturally presumed this was because I'd asked for support from my HoD. The meeting came and I couldn't have been more wrong. . I immediately felt somewhat “set up” as the meeting involved me, the member of SMT and the HoD who I was told was there as a supportive role but she took notes the whole way through on everything that was said. The SMT member was very deliberate in what he said and repeated several times that my job was at risk. I was in tears from the first few minutes in and continued to be throughout. He gave me the feedback from my Year 9 lesson stating that he felt “it was on the edge of losing control”. I had “no classroom presence”. The students only got their work done “through a willingness to be compliant”. That it “wasn’t a badly behaved class in comparison to state school”. He also stated that this meeting would have happened much earlier but because of inspection etc that it has had to wait until now but there have been “serious concerns for a long time”. I wish I had asked WHY now I think back because there can be no evidence whatsoever for this. I also wish that the inspector could pass his feedback personally on to SMT about my "fantastic" lesson! In all honesty, I was in shock, tears were pouring down my face and when he said do you agree (being naturally hard on myself) I nodded. He replied “good, I’m glad what I say resonates with you, I would have been very worried if it hadn’t”. I was then told that I had until Feb half term to show improvement or I would get a "Thanks but no thanks" letter and be asked to leave. The next day, I went to the doctors and was signed off for exhaustion. I realised that I wasn't doing anyone any favours by being in school when so run down, least of all myself. There is no way I could meet their targets of classroom presence and management whilst feeling so ill. Additionally, I sent in an overview of cover for the fortnight I'm away with no acknowledgement from anyone from the school, not even my HoD. I feel like I have had the biggest kick when I'm down and the thought of a "thanks but no thanks" letter is destroying me. I have lost my trust in those above and the thought of going back is making me feel literally sick. I had a phonecall from SMT asking me to complete a set of reports whilst signed off and I did without a word of acknowledgment in reply from them. I've been made to feel like I'm doing a disservice to my classes which I just can't cope with but it seems clear that they're better off without me as their teacher anyway. I'm just not cut out for it. I just don't know what to do, I feel so low and so useless. I've been desperately scanning job adverts and would be willing to take a severe pay cut just to be happy. It seems as though whatever I do I won't be in a good position - I'd love to just leave teaching and that school altogether but that is obviously near impossible with the requirement to give a whole term of notice (the thought of going back is stressing me out unbelievably) but if I stay I'm likely to be given my notice which I cannot let happen. It feels as though whatever I do, won't be good enough and I could get in this state again trying to please SMT and still be sacked. That feeling of failure would never leave me I know it. Either way, I won't be getting a good reference and I cannot possibly afford to be jobless. I've realised I have completely waffled despite trying not to (and this isn't even the whole story) but any advice would be gratefully received... I couldn't be anymore rock bottom.