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review my essay

Discussion in 'English' started by klara_wil_soon, Sep 21, 2016.

  1. klara_wil_soon

    klara_wil_soon New commenter

    and let me know whether it is structured correctly, whether the topic is covered in full, whether there are some grammar or referencing mistakes, or whatever else (practicing for IELTS so I'll appreciate any comments)


    “The true cause of the Civil War: State rights or Slavery”
    Neither Slavery nor States’ Rights:
    Power as the Root Cause of the American Civil War

    President Abraham Lincoln once said that “nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.” It was a struggle between the North and the South to maintain economic and political power that caused the American Civil War, not the issues of slavery and states’ rights.

    Although the South’s agrarian economy could not function without the use of slave labor, and those who wished to abolish slavery tended to live in the North, the average American had very little interest in slaves or slavery. It would be erroneous to consider slavery the major cause of the American Civil War when most of the farmers residing in the South worked small plots of land and could not afford slaves, while most Northerners either owned small farms that did not require slave labor, or they worked in a trade. The North became the hub for growing industries in the time before the American Civil War; however, the plantation owners and political leaders of the South fought to keep slavery a legal practice in the United States because the economy of the South thrived on one crop: cotton. It was an extremely profitable crop for the South after Eli Whitney invented his cotton gin, but only with the use of slave laborers. Therefore, the abolition of slavery in the United States would cause the South’s economy to collapse.

    The North and the South each developed its own unique regional identity based on its economy. The chasm widened between the two regions because of self-interest and the desire for political supremacy. Southerners like South Carolina’s John C. Calhoun felt the states held the right to nullify federal laws deemed unconstitutional, mainly those that infringed upon slaveholders’ entitlements and threatened the institution and propagation of slavery. Northern political leaders, however, wanted to limit the spread of slavery into the new territories to control Southern political power in Congress, especially when disgruntled Southerners championed secession, and Northerners fought to keep the United States intact.

    Ultimately, the American Civil War began after the secession of the South and the battle at Fort Sumter. However, the underlying causes cannot be limited to slavery and states’ rights; rather it was power, a very human desire to dominate and exert superiority.

    References:
    1. Kelly, Martin. "Top Five Causes of the Civil War." About.com Education. N.p., 16 Oct. 2015. Web. 21 Sep 2016. http://americanhistory.about.com/od/civilwarmenu/a/cause_civil_war.htm
    2. Leidner, Gordon. "Causes of the Civil War: A Balanced Answer." Great American History Causes of the Civil War -. N.p., n.d. Web. 21 Sep 2016. http://www.greatamericanhistory.net/causes.htm
    3. "Slavery Essay." JetWriters - N.p., n.d. Web. 21 Sep 2016. http://jetwriters.com/slavery-essay
    4. "The Civil War And Emancipation." PBS - N.p., n.d. Web. 21 Sep 2016. http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/aia/part4/4p2967.html
     
  2. blueskydreaming

    blueskydreaming Lead commenter

    Did they not teach you 'please' and 'thank you' in your EFL lessons? :eek:
     
  3. armandine2

    armandine2 Established commenter

    https://www.amazon.co.uk/Patterns-C...&sr=1-1&keywords=Benedict+patterns+of+culture
    not sure this stands as a paragraph - the first sentence is a good quote, and the second sentence is good as your point to argue/persuade - is it the appropriate quote or does it need something further to clarify its meaning to your argument?

    this seems to work - 3 facts in a sentence (North, South, and North and South) - the use of although can be a stylistic weak-point - I think it is a little weak since it is in use too far from the "little interest" point for which it is targeted.

    I wonder what others make of it - and will look in to see and possibly add further comments - thanks for the opportunity to take a marker's perspective.
     
  4. armandine2

    armandine2 Established commenter

    the link happened to be on my clipboard - but it isn't too far off relevant to be removed
     

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