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Relationships - teachers v non-teachers

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Caroline_p3, Oct 24, 2010.

  1. You are going to have to learn to say NO and mean it. It is, in my humble opinion, crazy tat some in our profession get away with doing no extra curricular activty whilst others, because they care are EXPECTED to DO.
    We dont HAVE to work excess hours but if we do, this has to be moderated with our human life. My humble advice would be to speak to your deputy head and just say you are doing too much extra work. Ask that others be required to assist.
     
  2. Chiming lots of bells here! My husband is a teacher and I am not but work in education plus we home educated our children for 4 years before they went back into High School. As we have developed a strong relationship and they decided to HE and when to go back - they were empowered - we now hear every detail about what happens at school from our teenagers. Teachers are probably aware that normally pupils just do not talk about school to their parents and probably a good thing too. We hear about all the embarassing things, the tiffs and irritants the muttered asides, swear words funny happenings and all read and described in such detail! It is a good school and we can discuss tactics and hear about problems with smokers etc - but sometimes it does get a bit tedious. However I really appreciate the life lessons that they are learning in this human menagerie created by mass education...
     
  3. I was NQT last year and met the man of my dreams at school. We have been together for 14 months! We now not only worktogether but also live together. It can be really hard at times but I love having someone who knows exactly how I'm feeling and understands things that I'm going through. I wouldn't change it for the world!!
     
  4. School Boy Error

    School Boy Error Occasional commenter

    What on earth has that got to do with the topic we are discussing? Fantastic job home educating your children though, you must be fantastic!
     
  5. I'm no longer married so I can't comment on that side really. Teaching is SO absorbing and stressful that I find it hard to maintain relationships with people ouside the profession. From my observation, the best thing is to be with a non-teacher who supports you, but can help you to see that there is more to life. A good teacher is someone with other stuff going on. You really must sort your work/life balance. I have some colleagues who only have teaching in their lives and it's not good!
    Caroline - get this sorted now, darling. I do hope you're having a relaing half term!
     
  6. I would say that for a husband (or wife) not to be interested or even annoyed at you talking about your day is not peculiar to the teaching profession,. I would argue that would have been the case what ever you did. Your hubby didn't like you being successful. Probably socialising with your teaching friends would have meant his either being out of his depth, acknowledging your success, or both. He was jealous! Your second partner is more understanding not coz he is a mature student but because he is a decent bloke, look after him and he will look after you.

    I am not a teacher, but I do work in school and so understand the pressures teachers work under. I also have been married twice!!!
     
  7. I went into teaching after having children. I felt I could not go back to my old job because I did long hours and often started early in the morning to travel.
    My husband has had the same job since he left school. Not in education. He never talks about work. Whereas I come home and have to get 'school' out my system. When I first started teaching fifteen years ago it was much less stressfuland physically tiring than working in industry. Since adopting all industries management techniques it seems to me it has become ridiculously stressful.
    I resent that my husband does not bring work home and he resents the holidays that I get. But sometimes it is good that only one of us teaches. At least we don't talk 'shop' endlessly.
     
  8. monkeychops

    monkeychops New commenter

    Haven't read whole thread, sorry, but I think it depends on the people rather than the job. When I lived alone, I talked about my job anytime I spoke to my boyfriend - stories, workload etc. I wanted to know why he didn't want to listen to every story. Turns out his job was (is) hard too both in content and in hours required.
    Now we live together, he is always home after me. I work long hours and take work home but he can be given work there and then and he has to keep going until it is finished. I still tell him the stories about my children but have learnt when to shut up! I also let him moan about work and tell me about his day and projects he is involved in.
    Do you listen/care about your partner's stories/moans? Maybe ask if he/she has any stories to tell?!
     
  9. My boyfriend was training to be a teacher when I met him, and I did a PGCE a year later. He didn't make it to half term in his only teaching job, before having a nervous breakdown and walking out. He now works 9 - 5 in an office.
    He knows where I am coming from, but thinks I work too hard. He's probably right. But Saturday night is always "date night" and recently we've started doing something together and outside the house on a Sunday afternoon. Whether or not my work is all done or not.
    He gets a general moan and a funny story every evening, but I try not to talk about school with him. My best friend is also a teacher, in a similar type of school, so I talk to her instead, because she knows about it, can give advice and can generally try and trump my stories.
    I love my boyfriend dearly, and I want to be ME, not Miss Duck, for as much time as possible. Therefore I fit my work around my life - my friends, my boyfriend and my sanity are much more important in the long run than if 9z5 have had their books marked.


     

  10. I haven't read all this thread but have just read your post so sorry if I'm repeating what anyone else has said. I think it's totally healthy to have relationships with non-teachers. The quote above just made me think - well would you ask your partner about every detail of his meetings and how his computer system needed re-modelling etc.? Teachers often make the mistake of thinking that because they work with children (i.e not some technical, alien to others occupation) that they have the right to talk about their job in detail to others frequently. I used to think that too, until my husband (or boyfriend he was at the time) made it very clear from his glazed- over stare that it wasn't ok![​IMG]
    You can't choose who you fall in love with - so I shouldn't worry about it. You might meet someone on the tube tomorrow who you end up living happily every after with. Anyone who thinks that teachers should date just teachers needs to take themselves off to a clinic for psychological testing.
     
  11. I'm in also in a relationship with someone who isn't a teacher...but he could've been, he's not teaching by choice...he doesn't like it. And our activities are so different, our working hours are impossible, but we try hard on it, because that's what relationship means...we share everything. We try to talk over the phone at lunch every day, and as much as we can, we take advantage of every free time we can have, to spend it together. You work with what you have, and if you care deeply for one another, it works out just fine!
     
  12. Mine does that when I go on too much. And then he gets his revenge by talking at me about football or his quite boring job.

     
  13. My OH is not a teacher, he is training to be a nurse and we both understand each other have long and stressful days. We tend to work a lot during the week but make sure we have 'us' time on the weekends. He is very understanding of my work and I love listening to his days too so i think that it works well :)
     
  14. I always swore I would never date a teacher, maybe the guys I went to uni with weren't exactly inspiring! And dating non-teachers was fine, I just never seemed to have as much free time as them, and they couldn't understand why I was fiddling with laminators or how teaching could involve so much typing, (one was an insurance broker, another an audio tech) but overall it worked. Unfortunately, both other non-teacher relationships ended indirectly due to teaching - one because I was NQT (we call it new scheme) and changed my lifestyle from partying to planning, the other because I wouldn't leave the school I love and move 800km away with him.
    Then I met my fiancee, who is a high school science teacher (I'm primary), and I have never looked back. It just seems so much easier to have a career and a partner when he understands why I do what I do. We do have a rule though that certain time frames are "school free".
    But ultimately, it comes down to the people involved - the fact you are questioning your relationship could be a sign that it is not what you want, or it could just be the pressure of a new career. There are going to be just as many reasons to date a teacher as there are to date a non-teacher, but we don't often get to choose who we love, do we?
    Hope my fence-sitting is helpful in some way!
     
  15. I am marrid to a non teacher but she has done the occasional exam invigilation however I must pick you up on the comment about LONG HOURS. You are contracted, in a state funded school, to work 1265 hours over 195 days and if your duties cannot be done in that time then you don't do them. You are NOT paid outside the 195 days therefore you should not enter school premises during half terms, summer, xmas and easter holidays because you are NOT employed and are technically trespassing and not insured if anything should happen to you - remember that maintenence takes place during the holidays.
    On your original thoughts many teachers have "work relationships" as well as their personal relationships. These are good for moral, frienship (all in the same boat) and sometime, although I don't advocate it, personal relaxation in a friends company - often of the opposite sex unles one is "gay".
    It may be better understood if one's partner is a teacher also but if both of you have different agendas then there will be arguments that may eventually lead to separation and divorce - I have seen it happen.
    PE teachers are no different to any other teacher in their contract. If you work on Saturday with the football team or whatever then make sure you are paid overtime or get time off in lieu. Same goes for those working part time. Usually they get a monday or friday off then "in service training" or Baker days are held on mondays or fridays - if it your day off you don't have to attend unless you are paid for an extra day.
    Hugh (bighsg)
     
  16. jonkers

    jonkers New commenter

    My husband of 28 years has a chuckle when he hears our teaching friends moaning about hours worked and stress in the workplace. He starts work at 4.30am and often doesn't finish until 8.00pm or later. He stops for a 1/2 hour breakfast - usually spent on the 'phone and an hour for lunch if he's lucky. That is 7 days a week. However he is great about listening to my ups and downs at work away from the farm whilst still expecting me to pull my weight here on days off.
     
  17. Caroline you really must not work those long hours you will have a nervous breakdown. I have been teaching for 36 years have had 5 children and been married to a non teacher for 37 years. at first he was non supportive of the hours and amount of work i brought home but over the years he has put right anyone who says teachers only work 9-3 and have too long holidays and as you can see we are still married. It does get easier and you really have to learn to say no and spread out the after school clubs etc with other members of staff. Stay with your fella and include him in your own sports activities.
     
  18. O H ?????????????????????
    don't give in to jargon... :)
     
  19. If they love you they will put up with it to be honest. My boyfriend is an engineer and we had to make sacrifices for his job and move areas therefore he makes sacrifices for mine. His Mum and Sister are also teachers so he is used to it. I regularly have him cutting and laminating at 9 the night before. As a NQT it is harder, you just have to hope it gets easier.

     
  20. Your NQT year is all-consuming, it really is. Even when you aren't physically working, your mind is running at 100 mph to try and keep up with the pace. I was constantly thinking about how I could teach something, making mental lists of what needed doing urgently, going over things the children didn't get etc and I found it very very tiring.
    Im not saying its any more tiring than any other job that demands long hours, just that during my NQT year, most of my time at home was spent either working or thinking about work. It wasn't fair on my boyfriend as he only ever saw the "teacher" me and never the "real" me. I also used to get in from work feeling pressured and stressed and then get grumpy with OH for little things, using school as an excuse, which just wasn't fair on him.
    My second year was better but I was still spending time at home being a big grump and managing to excuse myself because it is a stressful job.
    This year I've cracked it and realised it is NOT my life, it is just a job. I got to the point where I was driving to school worrying about ICT co-ordinator issues etc etc (And I work in a lovely school!) and had to force myself to breathe and say "Its just a job".
    Now I manage to do all my planning in advance (Not in the greatest detail and alot of the time I adapt it just before the lesson anyway, but I've realised that teachers will ALWAYS end up adapting planning even if you spend hours on it, and there's no point to writing reams in the first place so I might as well do it and cut corners where I can. I'll worry more about it when Im being observed or inspecte.)
    Anything to do with ICT that needs doing; If I cant do it in school hours, it has to wait. If they don't give me any non contact time, then they can moan all they like that their smartboard isnt working - it aint getting done!
    I now only ever do little bits like finding/making resources in my evenings which I dont find stressful or demanding so I dont mind. I also feel much more like ME, and feel that OH and I are making alot more time to do things we enjoy. We're much happier :)
    I dont think its about what your partner does, I think its about how you as a teacher deal with the demands of the job. A teacher partner may be slightly more understanding, but if you are constantly working and stressed that isn't going to be good for any relationship.
     

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