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relationship advice

Discussion in 'Personal' started by kidslovechemistry, Apr 26, 2011.

  1. Hi all
    Im hoping for some unbiased views on my current realtionship problems. Any advice/views/thoughts would be greatly appreciated as im not sure if Im overreacting or not.

    I've been with my OH for 2 and a bit years, we've lived together for 8 months. Before we were together my OH had a sort of online relationship with an ex girlfriend. They met in the UK but now she lives in a foreign country. They spoke every couple of weeks on skype and text/ emailed each other. When we first started dating she had been to the UK for a holiday and stayed with him, so I had asked him if he was still in contact with her a few months later when we were actualy together. He said no.

    Whilst I was borrowing his computer she called him on Skype. The call history showed that they had still been speaking regularly, I did a bad thing and went into his e-mail - naughty I know. The e-mail he sent her said he was sorry he hadnt contacted her and of course he still loved her. I went mental at him. He said it didnt mean anything he just didn't want to hurt her feelings by breaking it off, there's no way they could have a physical relationship so it wasn't cheating, she wasn't a threat to me bla bla bla.

    So he promised to tell her he had a gf and that they shouldnt talk to each other anymore. A few months later I looked at his phone (I know.) he had txts and phone calls from her. His excuse was that he was just being polite when she text him, he didnt answer the call. He deleted her number and swore that was it.

    So on saturday night I was on his phone (actually was supposed to be this time to get a number from his contacts) and noticed somebody called 'George' with a strangely long number, having never heard of a 'George' I googled the number and lo and behold it was a number from the country his ex lives in. When I confronted him he came out with a ridiculous story about who this 'George' was. He later admitted it was the ex. Big rows etc etc. I made him give me his phone, he had a missed called from a foreign number. I rang the number. His ex answers, she didnt know he had a gf, she said they haven't spoken in months but she rang him on saturday and they had a chat. He had told me that he still had her number but hadn't spoken to her since the last time.

    He's very apologetic, says he an idiot etc he loves me, he'll do anything to make it work. Doesn't know why he kept her number but he hasn't used it.

    So.... what would you do?

    Thanks
     
  2. Dump him. It'll be a lucky escape for you both.
     
  3. not the response I wanted but the one I knew I'd get
    thanks
     
  4. Buy him a one way ticket to wherever she lives!!
     
  5. polly2

    polly2 New commenter

    I'm sorry but I am giving the same response. You have confronted him and he has repeatedly lied to you. It sounds he wants his cake etc etc. The trust in the relationship has obviously gone as you felt the need to go through his emails, his phone etc. I don't blame you for this. I have no suspicions at all about my OH but I am always tempted to nose. I never have but I imagine if I was suspicious then I probably would. The thing is if the trust has gone you don't have a future as you will always be wondering what he is up to e.g - he goes away on a holiday with the lads (is he really or is he with her?), He takes the dog for a walk (is he going to the phone box to ring the ex?). I am so sorry, I am sure it must be awful for you and I really do sympahise but feel that you probably already know what you should do.
     
  6. captain oats

    captain oats New commenter

    I would also say leave him.

    So he hasn't cheated on you physically but he is cheating on you emotionally. Which in my eyes is just as bad, if not worse in some cases.


    You clearly can't trust him and it looks as though he will never change - you've given him enough chances!
     
  7. The things is after the last time, I really believed him. Didn't go on his phone or e-mail. It's probably been a year in between the last time and saturday night. She told me on the phone that they haven't spoken since the last time untill she rang him, in fact I remember him showing me a facebook message from her asking why he was ignoring her. He then blocked her from facebook.
    He would never physically cheat on me, I know that. He doesn't seem to understand that talking to her is still cheating on me.
    I know Im making excuses for him, I've been doing it constantly in my head because I don't really want it to end. I know I should just walk away but I was convinced we were going to get married.
     
  8. bizent

    bizent Star commenter

    Do you believe him when he says he's sorry?
    I'm a useless liar and it's always written all over my face.
    I do wonder why he wanted to spare her feelings whilst hurting yours?
     
  9. harsh-but-fair

    harsh-but-fair Lead commenter

    Will you be keeping him in for detention too?
     
  10. Yes I do believe him. He cried. I've never seen him anywhere close to tears before.
    I asked him that at the time and he said it was because my feelings weren't being hurt because he didn't think it was an issue to be friends with his ex. When I pointed out the language he was using when talking to her he admitted that it was wrong. He said he just wanted to let her down gently.
     
  11. Harsh but fair...
     
  12. bizent

    bizent Star commenter

    you beat me to it!! lol
     
  13. It sounds like you are possessive and jealous - checking his emails and phone etc...and he is into flirting with other women and not particularly committed to you.
    It all sounds extremely juvenile and not the basis for any relationship to be honest.
    As Seren said - do yourselves a favour. He is better off without you too.
     
  14. cheesypop

    cheesypop Occasional commenter

    I actually don't think this is the end of the world but I think you need to work out what you want.

    He obviously wants to be friends with her, or at least keep in contact. Perhaps this shows that he is a nice guy who, once he has been close to someone, doesn't shut them out if his life. Perhaps it was awkward to explain to you at first and then you found stuff out and made ultimatums. He saved the number under a different name but didn't use it. They both say they haven't communicated with each other.

    You say you know he won't cheat. Do you mean you know he won't cheat with her because she is abroad, or you know that even if she lived next door and came round naked at 3am you still know he wouldn't cheat. Because if it is the second, and you really feel it, then maybe you have played this wrong. Maybe you need to let them be friends because where is the harm.

    He could have gone mental and self-righteous about what you did this weekend. I think this shows he loves you, he's a nice guy who didn't want to lose what were presumably the good bits of an old relationship. Talk to him - without jealousy or bitterness. If you trust him, tell him. Tell him why you are hurt. Let him say he wants to be in touch with her without making it seem like to do so would be a betrayal of you. If that is what he wants, decide if you could cope with that. If not, tell him. If he accepts that, tell him that means that if you find he still has her number he is betraying you. He may need this spelling out. But if you can cope with him being in touch with an old friends, maybe just say 'let me know if you hear from her then'. And if he does, don't go wierd about it because you have said it is ok.
    Does any of that make sense? I hope so.


     
  15. Thanks for the ummmm frank feedback. I know I shouldn't have checked his e-mails etc but realistically if he's told me he doesn't speak to someone anymore then I find out (accidently) they've been talking on skype. Im going to go and have a look. Then Im going to be suspicious about it. Not the right thing to do absolutely agree with you and if I hadn't have realised he was hiding the conversations I never would ahve done it.
     
  16. I really dont think he would even if she came round naked. I've asked him that and he says he wouldn't want to be with her even if she was here. It's funny I trust him completely when he's out with the lads on a night out.
    He's already said he doesn't want to be in touch with her, he just did it when he was single because he was bored and lonely. Since then he's only spoken to her when she's contacted him to be polite.

    Yes it did make sense. Thanks for the reply.
     
  17. Crowbob

    Crowbob Senior commenter

    You really didn't think he would continue to keep in contact. He was found out, he promised not to do it again and then he lied/covered up the fact he hadn't severed contact.
    So easy for him to say when there is no prospect of that happening.
    but his actions tell you otherwise.
    Not from what you said in previous posts.
    How gracious of him.



     
  18. Yep, he did lie about having her number. But he hadnt contacted her at all and had ignored contact for a year untill sat.
    Not from what you said in previous posts.
     
  19. Crowbob

    Crowbob Senior commenter

    And you have definite knowledge of this because...oh, yes, HE told you that! He lied when you first found there was contact. He hid the fact he still was in contact. He lied about "George" when confronted. What makes you think he isn't lying about still being in contact during that time? Because his bit of fluff corroborates? Hardly the most convincing case.
    Then let your inner teacher take over and model the answer for him.
     
  20. Yes she did say that, she was horrified that he hadn't told me that they had spoken so I believed her.

    Thanks for the realism Crowbob !
     

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