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Relationship advice needed please

Discussion in 'Personal' started by eggles, Aug 8, 2011.

  1. I've been with my boyfriend for three years. For a year and a half he has been working away out of choice. In October 2009 he completed nearly 4 months, this time last year he completed 9 months, he is now back there having been there over four months this time. It's always been hard for me because when we meet he had a well paid job in this country, however he decided to throw it all in order to better himself, which I admire him for. For the last 4 months we have argued constantly resulting in both of us at one point or another saying lets just leave it however the love is so strong between us that we end up trying again.
    I've told him that I really don't want a long distant relationship a moment longer and he is now saying he will come home. The thing is I feel terribly guilty that I've gave him that ultimatum, that i'm forcing him to give up something he enjoys. I would much rather he came home on his own accord or if things came to a natural end as I really believe that it will only put strain on the relationship once he is back here because he won't have a job, therefore no money or a car, I feel he'll compare and wish he was back there.
    Will it work or is it time to set hime free??
     
  2. I've been with my boyfriend for three years. For a year and a half he has been working away out of choice. In October 2009 he completed nearly 4 months, this time last year he completed 9 months, he is now back there having been there over four months this time. It's always been hard for me because when we meet he had a well paid job in this country, however he decided to throw it all in order to better himself, which I admire him for. For the last 4 months we have argued constantly resulting in both of us at one point or another saying lets just leave it however the love is so strong between us that we end up trying again.
    I've told him that I really don't want a long distant relationship a moment longer and he is now saying he will come home. The thing is I feel terribly guilty that I've gave him that ultimatum, that i'm forcing him to give up something he enjoys. I would much rather he came home on his own accord or if things came to a natural end as I really believe that it will only put strain on the relationship once he is back here because he won't have a job, therefore no money or a car, I feel he'll compare and wish he was back there.
    Will it work or is it time to set hime free??
     
  3. jmntsp

    jmntsp New commenter

    It's always difficult to give someone advice without knowing all the circumstances, but long distances relationships are certainly tough. You don't say what it is he does for a living, or which country he is in. Is there the possibility of you moving to join him, instead of him returning to this country to be unemployed? You say that you would rather he came home of his own accord - but he clearly doesn't want to. He is enjoying his career by the sound of things, and it would be a pity to make him choose between his career and you. As you realise, it is very likely to put a strain on the relationship and make him resent you. Can you not try and find a compromise you are both happy with? Can you join him abroad - or perhaps find a country you can both live and work in? Can he look for work in a similar career in this country - but not give up his job until he has one? Can you set a time limit when you will be together again, say 6 months to a year? Best of luck to you both in finding a solution you can both live with. Clearly your relationship means a lot if he is prepared to give up a job he likes rather than lose you.
     
  4. Hey, sounds like a horrible situation to be in. I can relate on a smaller level in that I moved cities to be with my boyfriend at the time, so I can imagine how hard it must be when it's a different country. Long distance relationships can be so hard...my friend was dating a guy who she met travelling and although they are still madly in love, they just couldn't stand the distance anymore and neither of them wanted to give up what they had in their own countries.
    I guess you need to look at the long term. If it's long distance for now and you are likely to be together at some point in the future then it's worth keeping at it. But I think you're right in that you both have to be happy with the decision. I really hope you manage to come to a decision together that works well. Best of luck x
     
  5. If he's jacked in his job because you gave him an ultimatum you at least owe it to him to try and make a go of it! What is it that bothers you about the long distance thing?
     
  6. Ask yourself how you feel if you had taken a job away from home in order to better yourself and your boyfriend kept putting pressure on you to return home. Remember, you have no job to return to. Would you feel resentful?
    Long distance relationships are difficult but if he were in the Army or Navy, for example, you would cope. I would ease off the pressure and just be glad to see him when he does home. This is not forever.
     
  7. harsh-but-fair

    harsh-but-fair Lead commenter

    I don't see any mention of any sort of emotion in your OP, eggles.

    I'm tempted to think that you are thinking of dumping your boyfriend because he no longer has that well-paid job he had when you met him ...
     
  8. DaisysLot

    DaisysLot Senior commenter

    How old are you both?
     
  9. Some people - him, apparently - don't mind not having daily contact with their partner. It's no hardship. Others do - you. It isn't much of a relationship for you at all if you never see him. You say that it's the love between you that's so strong that pulls you back together but are you sure it isn't the fear that you won't find anyone else? That you're putting several years and a load of emotional energy in the bin?
    If this is the first he's heard of how unsatisfactory you find his long absences and he has responded by offering to come home, then I don't think you can ask for much more than that. If he's known about it for some time and carried on taking long overseas assignments, then I'd have to wonder whether your ultimatum hasn't just made him realise how unlikely he is to find many other women who'd put up with it.
     
  10. PlymouthMaid

    PlymouthMaid Occasional commenter

    As LoTF implied, it depends rather a lot on your personality and what kind of life you want/need. My first partner of 18 years was away most years for between 6-9 months of each year. I didnt mind that much really as i had a lot of interests and the children but it did mean that life was distinctly in two parts - the alone bit and the trying to be a family part. We could never book anything like tickets for gigs, plays or holidays. Also once we had children i was leading a life of relative drudgery whilst he was phoning me moaning about room service and the heat and more corporate entertainment etc, as you can imagine or lives began to diverge somewhat with a little bit of resentment creeping in. Not sure what i am trying to say but I think you need to know yourself if it doesn't work out with him coming home to work but i think it is good that he has offered to come home. You need a long heartfelt chat when you are sure of your own feelings on the working away thing and then he needs to be equally honest about whether he can stay closer for work or will be peed off.
     

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