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Discussion in 'Workplace dilemmas' started by sbkrobson, Jan 29, 2020.

  1. sbkrobson

    sbkrobson Star commenter

    I'm sorry, this is a long post, but this is my workplace dilemma.
    The dilemma is not how or why, because these are based on parenting, the education system, the reasons not to sanction at the top, the augmented rights of children, defensive parent power, the desire not to exclude, the over indulgence of the young, the inappropriacy of the curriculum, the paucity of economic prospects, the lack of respect for adults and for communal property bla bla bla.
    And my dilemma is not how to manage it, because I've been round the block. I own the tricks. I do the voice. I take the notes. I use the policy. I'm consistent. I reward. I sanction. I build relationships bla bla bla
    Neither is my dilemma how to handle the pressure of being blamed for it or cover your tracks to look as if it's no issue or to ensure the good kids get something in their books. None of that is new. All disappointing realities, but not things that will subsume me

    My dilemma is how to survive it, so that when you are out of the place it does not eat into your free will.

    I had the day from hell today-teaching every lesson, dealing with poor behaviour literally every minute. Constant low level disruption and full on verbal abuse, plus some intrusive antisocial behaviours which were definable by "needs". Many of these at the same time, and it surrounded me from 8.30 until 3.30,with no break or lunch away from it.

    Now I have an evening at home ahead of me,my family lounging around, lots of food in the fridge, functioning central heating,books,TV, a resplendent bath tub, pot plants to preen, books to read, a flute,a guitar, a piano,a rubik's cube, a stepper machine, friends to phone, Jaffa Cakes, neighbours to visit. I'm so lucky.

    But I don't want any of it. I cannot reach it. I am numb from poor behaviour.

    How do you recover. How can I regain the love of here and now?
    This is the impact of poor behaviour. I hate it.
    Guess I need some there there there from my friends on here who get what I mean :(
    Thank you for reading
  2. lizziescat

    lizziescat Star commenter

    I have no words of wisdom that can make it better but I know what you mean.
    I hope it is just this one day and tomorrow will be better and you will be able to ‘leave it behind’ .
    I know, some days it’s just too full on, despicable, disheartening, demoralising (and all the rest ) .
    But you wouldn’t be human (or wouldn’t be caring) if sometimes this didn’t become all consuming.

    It’s not right. It’s not good - it’s just is
  3. HelenREMfan

    HelenREMfan Star commenter

    A heartfelt post @sbkrobson ..you do it for those poor sods in the classroom who don't do the above.
    We do need to discover a magic wand tho so folk can learn to "switch off" on arriving home. It is probably because teachers take so much work home....it blurs the boundaries. So...I suggest trying to do all work related work at school - keep it away/out of home. That might go some way to help. Plus... we need to learn to 'make do' at the times when we don't have to be producing an Ofsted passing lesson. When I was at school not every waking moment consisted of high quality near anything.... loads of lessons were "Open the text book at page ** read the passage/chapter/whatever and then answer the questions on page **" For the sake of sanity and life/work balance we need to get back to some of those lessons.... maybe with you even getting on with some marking !!!
  4. sbkrobson

    sbkrobson Star commenter

    Thank you both sincerely.
    Your words are really helpful.
    I actually cried on the way home.
    I just hate how behaviour is, and what will be out of these kids and what can never be for the kids who try their best. And me taking public money for simply standing there brandishing a detached look and pummeling frenzied reports into SIMs before the next lot arrive. To deliver this facile nonsense, I studied hard for five years fgs.

    Perhaps it's time to look at other things again, perhaps I'm done with it.
    Or perhaps I never will be, ha.
  5. yodaami2

    yodaami2 Lead commenter

    No answers. Even on my worst of days there have always been at least one other class of well behaved lovely kids. I can’t imagine surviving a day like yours! Can you not try to get a permanent post. The only solution is to deal with the behaviour yourself and that needs you to be there continuously being consistent! And I think that’s impossible with supply, unless it’s long term. Please accept this virtual hug. (( ))
    sbkrobson and phlogiston like this.
  6. phlogiston

    phlogiston Star commenter

    Sorry you're feeling like this. I've had days like that.
    Try and enjoy the resplendent bath tub and some nice food.
    Sometimes you focus on the nice kids. Sometimes you detach emotionally from the lesson making the answer questions 1-947 on pages 43-341 (apart from the kid who has got the text with those pages missing, who will entertain everyone with his Petomain impressions).
    Sometimes your motto is "Another day, another dollar).
    I hope tomorrow is another day.
  7. TheOracleAtDelphi

    TheOracleAtDelphi Occasional commenter

    I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I have no helpful advice. Did you feel any better after crying? Sometimes I find it kind of acts like a release and I feel better afterwards. This might sound odd but I sometimes found it helpful when I had a longer drive home as it gave me more decompressing time before arriving home (if that makes sense)
  8. 8sycamore

    8sycamore Occasional commenter

    It wore me right down.
    People always say it isn't personal but it's hard not to take it personally.
    I can't even face the thought of supply.
    First off, you survived today.
    Secondly, you've got a family. Repeat to yourself that their behaviour towards you is all that really matters.
    Thirdly, take heart! Sometimes after a really cruddy day, I'd go in the following day anticipating more of the same and been pleasantly surprised to have a lovely time!
  9. thebookyouwish

    thebookyouwish New commenter

    I’m sorry you are feeling this way.

    There is something about the number of people involved in a relentlessly bad day at teaching which makes the mind refuse to settle. It feels so personal as you give so much of the real you and it is an assault on the nerves, senses and emotions to have to deal with that all day.

    I wish I had an answer but will just send calming and solidarity vibes instead.

    I have to say that your home life sounds lovely and I hope you can enjoy it soon. Fingers crossed tomorrow be a better day xxx
    sbkrobson likes this.
  10. foxtail3

    foxtail3 Star commenter

    Knowing that the behaviour isn’t personal and actually internalising it, are two very different things and when you’ve had your ‘acting’ face on all day, when you’ve been cool, calm and collected, when you’ve faced and dealt with the constant stuff thrown at you, it isn’t surprising that you come home and weep.

    I hope that tomorrow is a better day.
    phlogiston and sbkrobson like this.
  11. newton375

    newton375 New commenter

    I had a 'poo day' playlist
    Singing very loudly & dancing badly helped sometimes
    Admit you're sh*t by the buzzcocks

    Or an audiobook in the car

    Just something to separate work & real life.
    agathamorse and sbkrobson like this.
  12. Corvuscorax

    Corvuscorax Star commenter

    Its horrific. I am so sorry you are going through that, and it is affecting you. Maybe a GP visit? You might not feel ill as such, but you do sound like this is affecting you very badly. I'm personally not in favour of teachers having to take drugs to get through the day, but the GP might find that you are not well, and need some proper "recovery" time....
    sbkrobson likes this.
  13. install

    install Star commenter

    Take time out - you are exhausted. Recharge your batteries. See gp.. Sometimes we forget that our mental health matters just as much as our physical health..

    And it even shocks those above because they like things to be predictable and hate to have to realise that they are not supportive enough.

    Get better soon - but on your terms and in your time. Slow down. Take a breather. Go at the pace that suits you.
  14. JohnJCazorla

    JohnJCazorla Star commenter

    I wrote this about a year ago to a woman I saw crying in the car park after school one day, maybe trying some (or all) may help.


    I'm pretty certain you were the one I saw sobbing in the car in the bottom car park, at around 5:10pm. I also guess that you were crying for the obvious reason of work stress and not because of, say, Chelsea FC's appalling play yesterday. I offered my help but realised that I was becoming an extra problem and so no help at all. Sorry if I've got this totally wrong.

    I understand such stress as it has happened to me. About a decade ago I realised that I was seriously considering crashing the car rather than continue on to work. I then saw a doctor and ended up about 3 months on the sick with 'mild' depression while I sorted myself out.

    I'd like to say, smugly, that I'm now cured but I had another attack last December but at least I saw it coming and consequently acted a lot quicker, only 3 weeks off. I'm currently on anti-depressants and participant of a group therapy session but in a lot happier place.

    So can I advise,
    1. Admit to yourself that this can't continue
      If a big. insensitive lump like me feels you need help it can't be right.
    2. See a doctor, take time off
      You can self-certify for a week anyway but there is a lot of advice, drugs and support they can pass your way. Also a sick note validates your health issues. I find the 6-month course of anti-depressants very useful as a means for me to dispassionately analyse my problems.
    3. Lean heavily on family and friends
      It's amazing how many people will step up if you reach out to them about this.
    4. Consider the Education Support Partnership https://www.educationsupportpartnership.org.uk/ 08000 562561

    1. Get religion
      Bit silly advice from an atheist but could your church/diocese give any advice or assistance?
    2. Give yourself lots of 'me' time and exercise
      Lots of walks, gym or whatever takes you away and gets the heartrate up.
    3. Short term planning only
      Will anything you might do improve matters in the short term or make it worse? Certainly all worries about work can wait until the day before your return (and only come back if you're feeling 100%)
    4. Itemise your problems and work out how to address each one ….
      but take your time over this.
    That'll do but I'm sure a doctor will advise a lot better.

    Confidentiality: I certainly won't tell anyone about this, even to the extent of lying about it if necessary. Only you have the right to reveal this to anyone. I also ask that you keep to yourself what I have said about my depression but that's a minor concern.

    DO NOT feel any obligation to me over my ramblings and certainly don't feel you should contact me unless you think it will help you further. Your consideration now needs to be you and your health only.

    All the Best

    John Cazorla
    Maths supply
  15. welshwales

    welshwales Occasional commenter

    John-you actually reduced me to tears then with your kindness...
  16. lizziescat

    lizziescat Star commenter

    install and caress like this.
  17. physicsfanboy

    physicsfanboy Occasional commenter

    The only thing I ever found that breaks that numbness (I know exactly what you mean), was a hard break from the day to the evening. For me it was intense physical exercise. I ran as fast and as long as I could on a treadmill to drive the day out of my head. On bad days I spent 10 minutes on the punchbag too. I found TES helpful, because one of the most insidious things is that schools present the current situation as 'normal', or 'how it has to be'. Abusers love to make it their victims' fault. This site reminded me I wasn't a) alone b) to blame. Oh yes, and the NHS helped too.
    In the short term, self care, counselling and exercise may help.
    In the long term, well there's a reason everyone is leaving. Not much help, I am sorry. I wish I had an actual fix.
  18. lovejoy_antiques

    lovejoy_antiques Occasional commenter

    My partner knows to give me a couple of hours to decompress if I come through the door with the look on my face of someone who's done ten rounds with Mike Tyson.

    Even if you have a good day the knowledge of how bad it can be produces emense anxiety as you drive in. I don't know what the answer is but a bottle of wine in the fridge for when you get home on Friday is the closest I've come to a solution.
    sbkrobson, JohnJCazorla and Curae like this.
  19. Curae

    Curae Star commenter

    sbkrobson likes this.
  20. Curae

    Curae Star commenter

    So sorry to hear this. You have been pushed to the limit. I am not being philosophical when I say it it is not you. It really isn't. I have similar days. From your posts over the years i feel I can say you are a strong person and if you don't feel that rhat way now it is okay too. Please do pull back. Do not feel proud to do so. Take a few days see your GP. Not wanting to be involved with the nice aspects of home life might suggest low mood /depression/or simple exhaustion.Yes YOU are allowed to be all or some of these things. Its our body telling us to slow down... to take a break.

    I think yoy are brilliant full of wisdom and how lucky any student must be to have you as their teacher.

    Allow yourself a break and see your GP then reflect

    Once again sending you ((((())))
    sbkrobson and JohnJCazorla like this.

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